Monday, January 30, 2012

Ramen Noodles

That is the only thing I have consumed today and it's almost 9pm. I had those around noon. I like them, they are easy and they are easy to purge. I feel like a fatty today though. We went to Golden Corral last night for dinner. I first had salad (purged), then had my main plate (purged), then had my desert (purged). So even though I purged everything I had last night, I was terrified to get on the scale this morning. So I didn't. I am waiting for my honey to get home so I can make us dinner. I am making Garlic Pork chops and baked potatos. Both are horrible coming back up. But I have found that as long as I drink a couple of glasses with everything that I eat, that it's easier on me. My main goal is to look amazing this summer in a bikini. I have been wanting to take the boys swimming lately, but the only swim suit I have is a two piece and I do not want to do that just yet. My oldest had Pneumonia over the weekend, so we had to cancel my youngest's birthday party, which in a way is a good thing. Besides the fact that I have a whole cake that hasn't been touched and an entire tub, and I mean TUB of vanilla icecream. I want to start going to the rec center and working out, but I have no one to watch the boys while I go. The other night we were watching Pit Bulls and Paroles, and one of the daughters on there, the red head, totally made me hate myself. Everything about that girl is freaking goregous. Even her tattoos, if that makes sense. I mean, I have 9 tattoos, but they are placed in odd places and they don't look sexy. I'm thinking about a liquid fast, for like 15 days or something like that. It doesn't sound too hard and from what I have reseached, it looks like people usually lose quite a bit of weight when they do it. But who knows. I will get on the scale in the morning and see how I'm progressing. Goodnight all.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

I have been so bad

What is wrong with me? The last 4 days or so, I don't want to cook, or anything. I just find it easier to go get food for everyone else instead of cooking. But last night, we ordered pizza because it was so late by the time everyone got home, so at 9:30pm I'm sitting on the couch scarfing down pizza because I hadn't ate all day. I drank down two glasses of water with it because pizza is one of the worst foods to try to purge. The water always makes it easier. But here's the thing I don't get. When I got on the scale this morning, I was down two pounds from yesterday. Two! The scale read 119.4... Um...maybe the scale is broken or something. It just doesn't seem right. I have an extremely busy day ahead of me today and tomorrow. I have to deep clean the house today for almost 40 people to be here tomorrow for my son's birthday party. Tomorrow; another day of food all day. I'm hoping that I can just buy finger foods for everyone to munch on since it's in the middle of the afternoon, between lunch and dinner. I know it's the first birthday and all and that's why so many people are coming. But I'm having major anxiety about the whole thing. I can't understand why. I guess I'm just freaking out because sooo many people are going to be here and I don't know how I am going to entertain everyone. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I don't know. I'm so emotional here lately and all I want to do is eat, but I can't do that, now can I? Who knows; maybe tomorrow will go perfectly and everything will be OK. Well off to go clean. Maybe snack on something. Maybe cleaning will help me burn more calories.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fat cow

That is exactly how I feel right now. Today was my youngest 1st birthday, so it was a day full of food. I freaking ate every single meal; breakfast, lunch and dinner. Granted, I purged everything. To the point of hurting my throat. But OMG I feel freaking huge. I'm so mad at myself and I will refuse to get on that scale tomorrow morning. I might get on it tomorrow night because after today, I plan on not consuming a damn thing tomorrow besides water. I went and tried on Jeans yesterday, that was a disaster as well. It seems that nothing fits me right besides Angels. They are cute pants, but freaking expensive. But in those, I know that I can get the right size. Today is what I call a FAT day. I might update later. Right now, I'm too upset with myself.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

What an emotional day

So I have a slight hint that I'm coming down with something. I have felt like crap the last couple days, but this morning when I woke up, I felt like a train had hit me. All I wanted to do was sleep, but with two kids, yeah, that's impossible. So I took my oldest to school, came home and played with the baby. My first emotional thing that hit me was that he is going to be 1 in two days. Already. I just can't grasp that I guess. But then a friend of mine and I got into a heated discussion about my ED and she made me feel like shit about it. I guess not everyone is going to accept me for who I am. So by the time the baby went down for a nap, my oldest was home from school, so I couldn't take a nap then. At this point, I hadn't touched any sort of food because I was ignoring my stomach yelling at me. And then when I was making my son lunch, it happened. Something that I am so ashamed of and that I NEVER thought I would do. I ate a couple chips, but instead of throwing them back up, I just avoided swallowing them all together. I just spit them in the trash. Awhile back, I saw this thing on TV of a lady who did that because she wanted the taste of it, but not to consume any sort of calories. And at the time, I didn't understand how someone just couldn't swallow their food, but today, I finally understood it. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it, but it was pretty comforting to know that I didn't consume those calories. By 5pm, I had only consumed about 150 calories, but those came right back up as well. All the meanwhile, I had two friends coming to me, emotional about the other, and I didn't know exactly what to do or what to say. So I tried my hardest to make them both feel better about the situation. I don't know how I did there. Then we went out to eat at Santiagos for dinner. I love the food, it's cheap and that is the most cooperative food with my ED. I got on the scale at probably 4pm since I haven't eaten any food at all, and I got frustrated because it was still the same. Last night I was asked, when will I be happy? What is my goal? When will it subside? Well the funny thing about this stupid Eating Disorder is, I don't know if I ever will be happy, or what my goal is. When I started at the gym back in September, I told the personal trainer that my goal was 115. I thought that was a realistic goal. But here I am, 4 months later, and still 121.2; what in the world?!?! Why is my goal so unreachable? Why can't I just be there and then see if I'm happy at 115? It's so frustrating. And then to top off my roller coaster of a day, my oldest brother calls me and we start talking about Chris, my brother who was killed in August. So now I've got all of that playing in my head. I want this day to be over and it's not even 9pm. Tomorrow, I plan on going jean shopping since all of my jeans are too big, but I'm dreading it. I hate it so much. But I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

Monday, January 23, 2012

A fat night

So I know I've already posted today, but I'm feeling really down on myself tonight. Not only do I feel like a freakin cow, but my face has broken out something terrible. I read last night that with Bulimia, your face will break out, but I have never had it this bad. I cried tonight while I was doing dishes after I had went to the restroom to get rid of my dinner. Because what I made for dinner tonight, well, it wasn't a food that goes well with my Eating Disorder. I wasn't able to purge as much as had intended, and that ALWAYS makes for a bad night. I was also crying because I absolutely can't stand feeling this way. I hate that every morning I wake up, I wish that I could be skinny, wish that I could be beautiful. I hate that I see myself like this. It's not something that I choose. When you tell me I'm beautiful, I don't tell you no I'm not for the attention, I tell you I'm not because in the very core of my being, I believe it. I find myself at this moment wearing a hoodie and covered with a blanket although it's 73 degrees in my house. I'm not cold, I'm fat. I'm ashamed of the way I look. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I just want it to be covered up and to go away. I keep hoping that when I go to sleep at night, I will wake up and it will be gone. All this fat, all this shame will disappear. I talk to God everyday and ask him for his forgiveness because I know that what I do, is not acceptable. One day, all of this won't matter. I will be happy one day, I hope.

Another pound down!

I felt such a sigh of relief when I got on the scale this morning and saw that I went down one more pound. The depressing thing about it is that I still look the same. I don't feel like I've lost any weight. As I'm sitting here, I feel like a huge, lazy blob. I'm reading this book called Wasted. It's a memoir on anorexia and bulimia. It really does amaze me how much her and I have in common. And I learn more about my Eating Disorder and the roots of it through her book. They say that Eating Disorders are hereditary, but as far as I know, no one in my family ever suffered from it. But that's the thing about an ED, people hide it so well that those that surround them have no idea that they are suffering from it. Suffering, another off choice for a word. Am I really "suffering" from my ED? Some days I feel good about it. Like every time I purge, I cleanse myself. I feel healthier and better about myself. Other days, I am living in my own personal hell. I am constantly worried that someone is going to catch me doing it, and when they do, how they are going to handle it. My mom caught me once a few months back. She made me feel like I was weak. People who don't have an ED, don't understand why those who do have such a hard time with it. Here is one of my favorite quotes from this book so far. "It stopped being a moonlighting gig, something I just happened to feel like doing when things in my head were particularly crazy, or when I was angry or lonely or sad or flat. It began to have a force and took on a life of it's own. From this point on, there are no memories that are not related to food or my body, or barfing. It became a centripetal force that sucked me in, something I knew and needed. Badly. All the time. I did not put a bite of food in my mouth without considering if, when, and where I would throw up. I did not ever look in a mirror without thinking, FAT." This is just a small insight to what I deal with everyday. Everything in my world has become a mirror. Walking down the street, I catch myself looking in the reflection of a shop window, or on the side of a freshly cleaned car. Doing the dishes at night, I catch myself in the reflection of my kitchen window. I spend more than enough time staring at myself in the mirror in my bathroom, or the full length mirror that's in my bedroom. Picking at this, pulling at that. Putting one shirt on, tearing it back off because it makes me look huge. I hate buying clothes. It's depressing. With taxes coming back, I need to buy some new jeans and I absolutely dread going to the store and trying on jeans or shirts. I hate that the only color I look good in for shirts is black. How cliche is that? All I know is that I wish I was not consumed with this constant worry about how fat my face is, or whether or not I gain a pound tomorrow. It's tiresome most days. One day, I want to see myself as God sees me or how my friends see me. I want to be happy with myself.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Mmmm Panera Bread

So last night, we went out to the bar. First time in almost 2 months. I didn't eat anything for a few hours before we went out because I was having such a pudgy day. Everything that I put on yesterday made me look like a freakin blimp. But apparently I drank quite a bit last night. I don't remember a whole lot, but I do know that I felt really sick all day today. I slept in til 11, then I ran errands, so I ended up skipping lunch, which I was alright with. Then I took a nap in the afternoon when my youngest went down for a nap. So I have slept a good part of the day and didn't eat. Food hasn't felt appealing to me all day. But while we were out and about this evening, we decided to get some dinner. We went to Panera. I absolutely love that place. The food is so yummy, and generally healthy. I promised myself when we got there that I wasn't going to let it come back up since I hadn't touched any sort of food all day long. But of course after I ate, I just couldn't help it. As much as I tell myself over and over that I am not going to do it, I do it anyway. A few people have read my blog so far, and I have gotten some mean comments. Which is kinda what I was expecting. But some reassuring comments from others. Telling me that they are here to support me and be a shoulder to lean on when I need someone to talk to. And to those people, Thank you. I appreciate it. To the others, this isn't something new to me. I know exactly what I am dealing with. I feel the affects that it has on my body, but I very much enjoy having control over at least one aspect in my life. There are so many people in my life who have control over different parts of my world, and having my ED at least gives me control over something. I'm losing weight. I look good (some days). I got on the scale this morning, and I still haven't lost any weight. I was actually quite annoyed with it. I'm even doing exercises. I want to be toned so I can actually look decent in a bikini this summer. I just want to be happy with myself. I want that more than anything. I don't ever want my boys to remember me always down on myself. I want them to remember me as beautiful and happy in life. I hope that one day soon I can accomplish that.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Dr. Pepper with Cherry and Chocolate

That is what I am currently drinking at the moment.I should be drinking a diet. I rarely ever drink regular soda. I'm having a fat day today and feel huge. I'm even wearing a black shirt and it still isn't helping. Over the course of the last couple years, I have learned which foods work well with my ED and which ones do not. I ate Taco Bell for lunch today because that's what my oldest wanted. I don't mind Taco Bell. It is a food that works well with my ED. I'm making a big dinner for everyone tonight. I love cooking. That is a problem for a person with an Eating Disorder. The topic of Summer came up today with a friend and we were talking about bikinis. Oh my God, I hate even thinking about it. I understand that I have given birth to 3 kids, but I have seen girls who look like they don't even have kids in bikinis and it makes me so jealous. I shouldn't be jealous of girls that I don't even know and will probably never see again. But still, everything I do makes me think about whether or not it's going to add a few extra calories to my diet or a few ounces on that scale. I tried getting rid of my scale. It didn't work. I can't live without it. It's my comfort blanket. I can maybe go a day without stepping on it, but I'm always afraid that if I do, then the next time I get on it, that number would have increased by 10, or 5, or even 1. I freak out over a few ounces. When I'm having a fat day like I am today, I cry. I cry because nothing feels right on me, nothing looks good on me. I feel like I shouldn't consume anything for the rest of the day. That way when I get on the scale the next morning, that number will decrease by at least a few ounces if not a couple pounds. I get a huge sigh of relief when I lose some weight. Also on days like this, I will probably go to my bedroom and do like 50 sit ups and 50 jumping jacks because that makes me feel better. Days like this are hard. I'm emotional and irritable. I was supposed to go to the movies with my oldest and my best friend but my oldest was being mean, so at the last minute I changed my mind and we decided to come home. I don't like today. I don't like being like this. I'm not happy with myself today.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Admitting I have a problem?

So essentially, this is my first blog, where I admit to having a problem, right? Where all the people in my life find out that I have this thing called an Eating Disorder. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well here's the thing, I'm not afraid to admit it. I've been admitting it to myself for 11 years now. I wake up every morning and I'm automatically consumed by it. I step on that scale several times a day, praying that, that number never changes. For me, the main reason behind my ED is not necessarily my body, although that is a big playing factor. It's about control. I have control over my body if not anything else in my life. I have control over what food I consume, and whether or not it will come back up. I was nervous about writing this blog and the reason being is, I wasn't ready for the overwhelming judgement I am going to get for it. I wasn't ready for all those people that read it to shoot me dirty looks when I pass them in Walmart. But as a good friend pointed out to me, it isn't their life, it's mine. An Eating Disorder is just that; a disorder. This isn't something that I just woke up one morning and decided, "Hey, that sounds like a fun thing to do." Something had been festering in me for so long. I was such a fat kid and I hated being picked on for it. I had read about Eating Disorders in books. I kinda had the grasp of it. Well as much as an 11-year-old possibly could. It started with skipping breakfast every morning. I would purposely wake up late each morning, tell my dad I didn't have time to eat, and just head out for school. But oh my God, I was starving by lunch. So then I would eat a lot at lunch and completely make skipping breakfast pointless. When I hit 8th grade, well that's when my life started getting a little out of control. I started dating a guy, who little did I know, would be controlling every aspect of my life for the next 3 years. A guy who everyday would tell me who I couldn't hang out with, what I could eat (more like shouldn't eat, cuz it would make me fat), What I couldn't wear, and even tore my family away from me. Who for the next 3 years, little to my knowledge at the beginning, would beat me, drag me down and make me feel like a nobody. My Eating Disorder became easy while I was with him. I learned to not be hungry. Any money that came in (from his mom none-the-less) would go to him buying cigarettes and drugs. So we never had money for food anyway. I lost a lot of weight when I was him. I also started cutting towards the end of our relationship (which I recovered from in 2010, yay!). The Anorexia stayed though. Only in the last couple years did the Bulimia set in. I had tried it a few times in the past, but it was never my forte. It was always my mind set that if I ate it, it was going to stick, and go straight to my ass (as my dad always put it). I started doing research on the Internet about bulimia. Reading books and taking notes. When I was pregnant with my youngest son, I promised myself I would be good. I ate healthy and exercised. With my oldest son, I ate very unhealthy and just didn't care. I gained like 60 or so pounds. It took me two years to lose all that weight. I didn't want to do that again. So this last time around, I made sure I didn't gain too much weight too fast. I overly obsessed about my weight during my pregnancy. In the end, I gained 30 pounds. Exactly what I was supposed to gain. But right after he was born, the Bulimia took over again. And a year later, here I am. I'm at my smallest I have been since I was 14 and I couldn't be happier. Which brings me back to, I don't think at this point in my ED, I have a problem. A problem would mean that I feel like it needs to be fixed. I know the consequences of my choices, and I know all the health risks. I am starting this blog to take you on a journey through my life and my Eating Disorder. I know that sometime in the future, I may pursue treatment and that it will be good for me and my loved ones. But this is what I'm used to. THIS is comfortable. And for right now, I'm okay with that.