Saturday, March 31, 2012

Still the same, but feel so much bigger

To see that I was the same weight from yesterday was good, but disappointing. Last night we went out, I might have drank a little bit too much, but I had fun. T even sang a song with me at Karaoke. That was the first time. And he did good, from what I could remember lol. I feel huge today. It could be because while I was out and about, I stopped at McDonalds and got a medium fry. I ate about half of that, but because I was running errands, I couldn't purge it. Then later on, I stopped back by there and got a milkshake, again couldn't purge. That was really frustrating. So the two things that I consumed today didn't get purged. I'm very upset with myself. And now we are about to eat Pizza Rolls, but those will be purged. My stomach feels huge. I did buy 3 pairs of jeans for myself at Arc today and only spent 11 dollars on myself, which is fantastic. I can't remember exactly the sizes I got, but I believe that two of the pairs were a size 3 and the other was a 5. That's one thing I hate about jeans is that each brand fits me differently. I just remembered that I need to go to the store and get conditioner seeing as I have none and I can't take a shower without it. I bought the boys their Easter baskets today. I can't wait to do an actual egg hunt with them this year. I'm thinking about doing it at a park though because there are so many kids in our cul-da-sac and I don't want them stealing the boy's eggs. I hate that I'm having such a fat night. I just want to cry. I hope tomorrow is better. Alright, off to the store I go. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Friday, March 30, 2012

107 Exact

Alright, so I went up a bit, but that's OK. I knew I was going to. And I weighed in even when I said I wouldn't. Today was a much better day. The sun was shining, my oldest and I had a mommy/son day and I have barely touched food. I was blessed this morning with 70 dollars from a friend, so I was able to get my plates for my car and get my oldest some summer clothes which he desperately needed. So we went shopping, we went to lunch at McDonalds (I didn't eat lunch, thank God), went to this awesome self serve frozen yogurt place called Cool Berry. Oh my God, why haven't I ever gone there before? That's where I got my calories today. Probably about 200 were consumed there, but oh so worth every bite. I did purge a bit of it when I got back home, but for the most part it stayed. Ugh. Then after all of this, I took him to the park to play for about 45 minutes before I took him to his dads. Now we are completely kid free, so I'm going to go make dinner, and then later tonight we are going out for drinks. I wore my dress today (sorry, still haven't taken a picture of it yet) and got a lot of compliments on how beautiful it is. I don't know what I'm going to wear out tonight. I have this little short black dress with a hot pink bow and polka dots that I really love and I could wear my knee high boots with. But I'm just a jean and boots kinda girl also. But who knows. My phone also came today, so I gotta switch that over and make sure all my numbers get switched. I hate changing phones because I have to reinstall all my apps, but that's OK. So off to dinner I go, thank you all for sticking with me through this. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Thursday, March 29, 2012

106.8 and a crappy day

So I couldn't tell if I was happy or upset that I lost. I love seeing that number go down, but where is the line for me losing weight? I'm just a roller coaster of emotions about this. I just want to stop hating myself. I want to be happy and not always worrying about this crap. But I know that if I get help, I will gain and that scares me. Scares me to the point of a nervous breakdown. I just can't handle all of this. I ate like a fat cow today. 200 calories at breakfast (purged), 250 calories at lunch (purged), and then 500 calories at dinner (very purged). I can't believe I freaking consumed that much in one day! I feel like a total failure at life today. So around noon, I went down and saw my birth son, R, and his family. Going and seeing him is always so hard on me, but today was disasterous. He refused to talk to me, hug me, take a picture with me but he did happen to mention he doesn't like me. It absolutely broke my heart. I am so depressed about the whole matter. Then we went out to get dinner and when we got back, I went to get out of the car and my phone fell out onto the ground and shattered the entire screen. Ugh! I had to use my last 40 dollars as my deductable on my insurance to have a new one sent to me. But now I'm broke. Then T just called me and told me that his last job he has today, they can't even start til midnight! What the shit is that? So he won't be home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I'm just having a terrible day. I won't weigh in tomorrow because I know that I will have gone up, and I just can't handle that. I hate seeing that number go up. I swear that tomorrow better go better or I'm going to lose all patience I have for anything. Oh and on my final note, I have crappy friends. I'm tired of being a last resort for everyone. That's the end of that.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Disappointment

Let me start off by saying that I didn't eat dinner last night. By the time that T got home, and after a very long discussion (and a small disagreement), I didn't have an appetite. I want to point out that T and I have a very open relationship, can and will always discuss anything that is bothering us, even if it's about the other, so sometimes, feelings might be hurt, but in the end, it's better for the both of us. So anyway, this morning when I woke up, I was starving. I got on the scale (still 108.8,) took a shower and got ready for my post-op appointment. My mom came up to go with me to that. We came back home after my appointment and I decided to eat one of the muffins I made the other day. I actually only ate half of it and gave the rest to my youngest. That kid loves to eat. Then my mom and I took my youngest to his dads and on the way up there, we were discussing our plans for the rest of the day. We were going to go see The Hunger Games at 2:30 so she wanted to get lunch before hand. She told me to choose where I wanted to go. Well I wanted Panera, but she didn't, lol. So why did she make me choose? In the end, we decided on Chilli's. Sigh...No matter what you get there, it's packed full of calories. So I ordered my side salad and a half of a BLT and my diet coke. As we were waiting for our food, my mom took my hands in hers, looked me in the eyes and asked me to please not purge my lunch. Which lead into a discussion about how it's so difficult for me no to purge. She dropped it after that. We ate, I told her that I needed to use the restroom because of all the water I drank, and went into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, stared at my stomach and my arm fat and I just couldn't help it. I purged. Came back out, sat down and resumed our conversation. Well we still had an hour til the movie, so we decided to go over to Ross to see if we could find some jeans. Well unfortunately at this time of the year, they don't have a great selection on jeans, so I grabbed some summer dresses, a couple tank tops and went to the changing room. I walked out of Ross with one beautiful dress, and one tank top. Went to the movies. For the most part I was pleased with the movie. Only a minor complaints but overall, it was wonderful. Afterwards, we picked up my oldest and went to Walmart and picked up a few things. By the time we got back to my house, it was 6:00. I wasn't really hungry so I just made some fish sticks for my oldest. Now it's a quarter to 8:00 and T still isn't home from work and I'm still not hungry. I'm just having an overall fat day, so it's probably better if I didn't eat. I took comparison photos yesterday from my before and after weight loss, but I don't think I should post them here. I haven't decided. Alright, this blog was way too long. Talk to you all later.
Much love, Katie

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

108.8

I was surprised to see those numbers this morning. Especially because I didn't feel like I had lost anything. So this morning I found out that my BMI is 19.9. In order for me to stay in the normal range and not go underweight, my weight has to stay at 102 or above. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this weight loss. At the beginning of September of last year, I was 140. So since then, I have lost 31.2lbs. I mean, I'm happy that I've lost so much weight, but the problem is, I don't see it. There are certain parts of my body where I can notice it. Example; I can see my shoulder blades, my collar bone, there's a gap in my thighs now, and my chest is smaller. But my legs are still flabby, my hips are still and probably always going to be wide (thanks kids lol), and my stomach, ugh my stomach is repulsing. I hate my stomach. It's the biggest problem area on my body. I barely look good in clothes, let alone naked. So I did something this morning that I'm not sure if I want to follow through with. I called this lady who is a therapist and she works strictly with girls with eating disorders. I left her a message, but I'm not sure what I would be getting myself into. I just want someone to talk to right now. But I don't want to go into recovery, does that make sense? So I'm debating on posting before and after pictures of this weight loss adventure, but not sure if I feel comfortable yet. I didn't eat breakfast this morning and right now I'm eating Ramen Noodles. I want to take the boys to the park because it's so nice outside, and I'm starting to feel a bit better. So maybe after I'm done eating. I want to say thank you for all the love and support I have been getting through here. It's truly amazing. Much love!
XOXO Katie
This girl is sooo pretty

Monday, March 26, 2012

Baked egg in an avocado.... Mmmm

That is what I had for breakfast this morning. Well half of the avocado with the egg and a small piece of wheat toast. Total the breakfast was around 180 calories. And it was sooo yummy. I still weighed in at 110 this morning, and I'm OK with that. I didn't gain, which is always a plus. Unfortunately, I did purge my breakfast this morning. T thinks that maybe it's taking so much longer for my body to heal from surgery because my body needs nutrition and I'm depriving myself of that. He is probably right. It's now 1:30pm and I don't have much of an appetite. I thought about making some ramen noodles, but if I eat now and then dinner at 6, that's too close together for me. I'm making chicken cordon bleu for dinner with white rice. I'm pretty proud of myself that I have learned to cook all of this amazing food on my own. I didn't have anyone teach me. The topic of my ED has been coming up quite a bit between T and I. He thinks I'm closed minded and that until I want to change, no one is going to convince me otherwise. He is right. There is a small part of me that wants to beat this thing, but a bigger part of me that likes having it around. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. If I continue on with my disease, I dissapoint the people in my life and ultimately myself. But if I don't and decided to change it, I will get fat and be unhappy with myself. So it seems like a lose, lose situation. On another note, I need to get out of this house. Being here is driving me insane. I think being here for so long has triggered a bit of my depression and anxiety. I want to be outside in the beautiful sunshine or up in the mountains. I also want to say a special thanks to Dainty for being a tremendous amount of support and being a new friend in an otherwise dark place. I love that I have someone to talk to who is just like me. Alright, might update later. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, March 25, 2012

My first poem in over 2 years

OK, so it's been a very heavy evening around here. With all conversations steering back towards my disorder, I decided I need to write again. I haven't wrote a poem in over 2 years because I felt like there was nothing left to write. Hope you enjoy.

Beaten, Battered, Broken,
Alone, inside this hell.
This is me, I'm sorry,
My head is starting to swell.

Screaming silently,
The outside is a disguise.
You are too scared to see,
My life through my eyes.

The outside is my shell,
And inside I keep hidden.
My lies and secrets,
They are forbidden.

I thrive to be perfect,
Reality is, I've drifted.
My original reasons,
Have been shifted.

I thought I had control,
But it has control of me.
My heart has a lock,
My disease holds the key.

My every thought is blurred,
My reasoning is unclear.
I thought it was my friend,
But really, it's my fear.

For I'm afraid to lose it,
I'm content if it stays.
But it's consuming every thought,
Controlling in every way.

It's no longer a way out,
But instead it's made it's way in.
I don't know if I care,
I'm the smallest I've ever been.

That's what all of this was for,
To see those numbers go down.
My life is surrounded by calories,
It's centered on the pounds.

So for now I'll let it stay,
Do as it pleases.
Hopefully I can gain control,
And the pain inside eases.

Surrounded by nothing

My scale read the same today(110.) I'm still in a lot of pain and my bleeding has gotten heavier. I might call the doctor tomorrow and move my appointment up. My throat feels a lot better, but food sounds horrifying. These past 5 days have been easier than I had thought. Since I physically couldn't eat due to the pain, thinking about food didn't happen. Therefore it wasn't painful to my stomach. When I think about food but know I shouldn't eat it, my stomach gets mad at me. It's yelling at me to eat. I don't want to gain. I just want to stay the same. So even though my throat feels better today, I haven't ate anything. I'm OK with that. My stomach hasn't been yelling at me and my scale is being my friend. Today has been an emotional day though. I've been depressed and lonely. I feel like I've lost my place in this world. I've lost my place amongst my so called friends. People who tell me they will be there for me if I ever were to need them, but when it comes down to it, they bail or ignore me. These girls who call themselves my best friends, but when I need someone to come over and talk to me, they are nowhere to be found. It makes me question what my standards and expectations are of a friend really are. Am I just so desperate for a friend that I allow anyone into my personal life, tell them my secrets, let them see the real me? Just so they can turn around and use it against me? So they can lecture me about what a failure I am and how I need to change everything about me just to be accepted in society? I always hear people say, "Be who you are, don't change for anyone," yet those are the people who are telling me that what I do is unacceptable, that I'm a social outcast. Sometimes I wonder how I've even made it this far in life. I thrive off human affection, yet every person who was supposed to have my back (father, boyfriends, best friends, my ex husband) are the ones who treated me like shit, walked all over me, and tried to form me into something that they wanted me to be. But when they saw that I was me, and that I couldn't change that, they left. They made excuses for why they could no longer be present in my life. Why do I feel the need to have friends everywhere I go? Why do I hate being alone. Most people enjoy having time to themselves, not me. I like to surround myself with people. It's pathetic, huh? Oh well, such has been my life. On another note, I do plan on eating just a bit tonight. I'm making super healthy food (cabbage, smoked sausage, and roasted red potatoes.) I haven't decided if I should purge it though due to the fact that my body probably needs it, but since it probably won't physically hurt to purge, who knows. Thanks for listening to me whine. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Saturday, March 24, 2012

110 exact and looks like a balloon


I was happy to see that yesterday was just a fluke and that I am back down to 110. Although I feel like I am still swollen. Turns out when you have this kind of surgery, they blow the inside of your stomach up with CO2 so they have room to move around in there. Well I ended up back in the ER last night because I wasn't aware that all the CO2 was in there. After your surgery, they vacuum it all out, but turns out they didn't get it all out. Which in turn is causing me so much pain to breath or to cough. I still can barely eat anything. I attempted breakfast this morning. I got my eggs down but they didn't stay down neither. Every time I try to eat or drink anything besides water, my throat closes up and I can't swallow. It's actually quite scary. But I keep thinking what an awesome diet this surgery has been. Since 7pm on Wednesday night, I have probably consumed 160 calories. That's only because I can only get in a little here and there. T and I were talking earlier about why I am the way I am. I told him I don't understand how overweight girls have so much confidence about themselves and here I am and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't know why I'm this way, but I feel like some wires up in my head are way loose. I feel like my whole life I've been a fuck up and that I have always been searching for an escape. First it was anorexia for a few years, then the cutting started. So I was an anorexic cutter. And now look at me. I'm at my lowest weight I have been since I was probably in like 8th grade and I just can't stop purging. It's become a security blanket. Something that I know I can always run to when I'm feeling down. I'm making bubble up pizza for dinner tonight, and a small part of me wishes that I could enjoy it with everyone else, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. So maybe some ramen noodles for me. Hopefully tomorrow my weight doesn't go back up. Sigh, I feel so sad today. I will check in later. Thanks for reading.
XOXO Katie

Friday, March 23, 2012

I gained?!?!? WTF?!?!

I weighed in at 111.6!!! I'm having a major freak out right now. The only thing I can think of as to why I gained is that my stomach is still swollen from my surgery yesterday. My stomach just looks inflated. Ugh, it's so nasty. So my surgery seemed to go fine. They found 2 cysts actually. My big on that was on my ovary, then I had one in my fallopian tube, and then I had a fibroid right above that one. They removed all 3. I barely ate anything last night. I had about 7 bites of Ramen Noodles and that was about it, all day yesterday. So I figured that I would have weighed less today, but nooo. Ugh, so frustrated right now. I don't think I am even hungry right now. The thought of food makes me sick to my stomach. I'm still pretty out of it. Maybe this surgery is a great diet plan after all. When I was at the hospital yesterday, they were asking me how tall I am and my weight, and when I told them I was 110lbs, my mom gave me this very disappointed look. She told me that I was way too skinny and in my head I was thinking, "thank you. I'm trying hard here." And I really am. I want nothing more than to go on a walk this beautiful day, but I can barely walk around the house. I really hate feeling helpless. T cleaned up the house this morning when he woke up. That was so sweet of him. He knows how much I hate a dirty house. I'm hoping that this swelling in my stomach goes down today so when I get on the scale tomorrow, I will feel better. I'm just having a depressing day. Talk to you all soon.
XOXO Katie

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Scale fail

Here's a pic of me this morning

So this morning when I woke up, I was feeling pretty confident that I have lost weight. So confident that I took my time taking off each piece of clothing, combing my hair out and brushing my teeth before I did so. I stepped on the scale and it said BATTERY. "Shit," I thought. I tried like 10 times before I finally gave up. The one freaking morning I was feeling like I had lost, my scale decides it finally needs a new battery. And of course I didn't have any here. So I continued on with my morning, taking my oldest to school and then got ready for my doctors appointment. So I walk into my doctors office and we are discussing my choices with the cyst that is causing me so much pain. I told her the I have been in so much pain that it causes me to cry. She told me that she wanted me to come back in an hour to have another ultrasound done. So I come back and am having my ultrasound done and the tech looks very confused. Apparently my cyst that was once on my left ovary has moved to my right ovary? The tech said she has never heard of that. She thinks maybe the first ultrasound tech might have marked on the sheet the wrong side. Oh how fantastic. Idiots! So anyway, my doctor then proceeded to tell me that if it's causing me so much pain, we might just go in and have it removed, as early as tomorrow! I am currently waiting on my doctor to call me back and tell me what she wants to do. I hate the waiting game. It irritates me. After all of this, I decided around 1:30 that I should probably eat something. So my oldest and I stopped at McDonalds and I got a fry for us to share and a hot n spicy chicken sand which. Ugh! WTF is wrong with me?!?! I came home and purged it until my stomach hurt. Needless to say, I am not weighing myself anytime today. I am in so much pain right now. I'm so close to just going to the ER. It's just been a highly stressful day and I am so ready for this cyst to go away. I don't plan on eating anything for the rest of the day. Well I'm gonna go lay down for a bit.
XOXO Katie

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

110.2 and I was freaking for what?

OK, so I lost only 4 ounces, but at least it wasn't a gain. I was so mentally exhausted last night from crying all day. Even when I woke up this morning, I felt in a total daze. I battled with myself for so long before deciding to get on the scale. I might have lost today, but I feel gross. I feel like I look wider, or my thighs have started to touch again. I feel so unhappy with myself. This morning I baked cookies. I was going to do it last night, but didn't have the energy to do so. My batch of cookies came out to 140 of them! They are somewhat amazing if I do say so myself. I'm thinking about entering them in some kind of baking contest =) I have only ate 4 today, which is really good (they are really small and about 60 cal a cookie.) Then for lunch I made pork and cheese quesadillas. Those were probably about 400 calories, but they were very quite easy to purge, so I made sure there was none left to sit there and fester on my thighs. Now I have had dinner in the crock pot since 11:30. I am making chicken tacos. I made them last week as well, and they are pretty amazing. I'm guessing around 300 calories per taco and I make sure that I only eat one along with some beans and rice. So my dinner tonight will be around 450 calories. So my total intake for today would be (if I didn't purge) around 790 calories. Ugh, when you count it out like that, it sounds disgusting. And because that number is so high, that is the reason why it is so easy for me to purge without even thinking about it. I don't think I could consume 790 calories in a day and make sure it all stayed there. The only thing that I will have consumed today that didn't get purged were those 4 cookies I had earlier. So 240 calories have stayed in my body, and that is more than enough for me. But I know I walked off those cookies. My honey (who I'm going to start calling T, instead of my honey) and I went on a 4.5 mile walk today. That was awesome. I felt so good afterwards. The only downfall was that my left side started hurting. When I do too much activity, that damn cyst causes me so much pain. I'm pretty nervous about my doctors appointment tomorrow. And I have to go by myself since T has to work. Well I better take off and get dinner finished up. Talk to you soon.
XOXO Katie

       


Monday, March 19, 2012

2nd post for the day

I apologize that I am writing for a second time today. I have just been having a day from hell and don't know where else to turn. I have been on my own case all freaking day. I had a total melt down after dinner tonight. I first stood in my bathroom without my shirt on and squeezed my sides and my stomach and was beyond disgusted with myself. After that I went into the bedroom and fell to my knees right in front of my honey and started bawling. I lifted my shirt and showed him my stomach and kept crying and told him how much I hated myself. I feel so bad for him. He feels so helpless. Doesn't know what to say or what to do to help me. But he holds me and rubs my back. He really is a sweet guy. I'm just so done with this shit. I hate feeling like no matter how much weight I lose, I will never be happy with myself. No matter how many sit ups I do, I will still be a fat cow. No matter how much I do or don't eat, I am going to cry myself to sleep at the end of the day. As I am sitting here right now with a hoodie and jammies on, I can't help but feel like my fat and cellulite is exposed for everyone to see. I can feel my roll of fat on my stomach just sitting there taunting me to do something about it. Ugh, I am so frustrated right now, I don't even know how to handle it. In the past, I would cut. My razor used to be such a close friend. But I gave it up. For over a year now. Some days I miss it, other days, it's easy to live without. I'm sorry that I am just ranting and raving about nothing, but I'm just overwhelmed and needed somewhere to express all of this. Thank you all for reading. I really do appreciate it.
XOXO Katie

I didn't weigh in=Fat day

I am having my first fat day in a long while. I feel huge no matter what I put on. I have changed my outfit at least twice and I am still not satisfied. I just ate a few chips and debating on if I should just purge those before I decide to eat lunch. I'm making ramen noodles; again. They are so easy, and yummy. I'm making pork chops for dinner tonight, but not entirely sure if I want to eat them. But I got the whole family to feed tonight (3 kids and two adults.) I also plan on baking this afternoon. A week and a half ago I made a batch of cookies that ended up making close to 130 cookies. They all got ate pretty quick, so today while at the store, I picked up the rest of the stuff to make them. They are pretty delicious. I hate that I love to cook. Cooking as much as I do and having an eating disorder isn't a good match. It's sometimes hard not to eat all the delicious goodies I make. But in the end, it's better for me to just avoid it all together. I have my OB appointment on Wednesday and I'm pretty nervous. I guess I'm freaking out over nothing, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking, what if this thing is cancerous? What if I have to lose one of my ovaries? I'm probably just overreacting and it's just gonna need surgery to have the cyst removed. I didn't weigh in this morning because of last night. I didn't eat anything all day until dinner last night when I made lasagna which was around 6:30 when we ate. I did purge that, although it was difficult. But then later when we were watching Supernatural, my honey pulled out the chips and salsa. I freaking cowed down on those. I purged them twice though. But I've felt huge since, so I decided that not getting on the scale was probably best for everyone involved today. I have so much I have to do today, and I'm procrastinating. Today would be my brother's 34th birthday, so I went to the dollar store this morning and bought some birthday balloons and I plan on letting them go later this afternoon. I have to also go to my doctors office and pick up papers and take books back to the library. I have also been getting more involved with the blogging idea and have decided to follow a few other blogs. I'm enjoying it. Getting to know other girls who are kinda like me. Well I should probably get on with the rest of my day. Talk to you all later.
XOXO Katie

Sunday, March 18, 2012

110.6 and in a crappy mood

Where do I begin? Let me start off by saying that I have surrounded myself with some awesome friends. And I don't mean acquaintances, I mean people who genuinely care for me. That being said, and for those of you who read this, don't take this to offense, but once again, I do know what it is that I do and what I am doing to myself. I'm not new to this whole eating disorder ordeal. I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 11. Right now, in this point in my life, I'm comfortable. That doesn't mean that I am happy that I have an eating disorder. I downright hate it. For the most part, I am happy with my weight right now. There's only a couple things that I would change and I discussed that in my last blog. I am not sure if I'm ready to give up purging, and for right now, that is just going to have to be ok. Hopefully eventually, I will be able to give up the purging and just eat very little, not purge and exercise. Shit, when I get to that point, that will be a big leap towards success for me. But I just can't do that right now. I want to make this clear also, I am not purging anymore to lose weight, I'm doing it to maintain where I am right now. A dear friend and I had a heart to heart the other night, and even though she made me cry, she was being honest with me. Everyone else keeps telling me how great I look, and this particular friend told me that I look too skinny and that I was more beautiful 10lbs ago. I don't see it. I have it programmed into my head that skinny is beautiful. And until I can get that mentality out of my mind, my eating disorder is going to be present. As Dexter so beautifully puts it, my eating disorder is my "dark passenger." It's not something that I chose, it's something that chose me, 11 years ago. Now it's gotta be my choice to get rid of it. I can't be forced into this decision by friends or family. If I don't go and do it on my own free will, then I will relapse and it will all be a waste of time. So to all my friends and family that read this and keep up with me, please bare with me and be patient, because hopefully, that day will come and I will need you. For all the others who can't be here for me and patient, just remember the saying, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Alright, that's enough of my venting.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

111.2

Yay! I finally lost. Maybe the walking and cutting back on eating these last couple days is finally doing me some good. There is a couple things about this weight loss that is bothering me and I don't know how to handle it. First off, none of my pants fit me anymore. I can't keep going out and buying jeans, but nothing looks good on me. The other thing, and this is a bit more difficult for me to share given the content, but I'm losing weight in places I didn't want to. Everyone keeps telling me how my "chest" has gotten way smaller. I kept telling myself all this time that I would lose all the weight I wanted, but didn't want to lose it in my chest or butt. And sure enough, I did. I'm losing everything that my honey finds attractive on me. My curves, my butt and my chest. Even though he won't admit it, he is losing his "hotness" for me, which is killing me. I feel like I'm disappointing him. He keeps telling me that he was attracted to me when I moved in next door (I was 150lbs then.) And that I didn't need to lose weight from the beginning. What do I do? I don't want to gain anymore weight, but I don't want my honey to become less and less attracted to me. He told me this morning that I need to find a happy medium. Sadly, and I hate to admit it, I can't be happy either way. I will never be fully happy with the way that I look. I feel like this is creating a wedge between us. I love him to the moon and back and I will do everything in my power not to lose him. Fuck! I am so frustrated. Sigh... I need advice.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

4 mile walk and still stuck?

WTF? I have been 112.4 for 4 days now. And yesterday we went for a 4 mile walk. I didn't eat a whole lot yesterday and what I did, I purged. Last night my honey and I got into a discussion. He told me that I need to stop riding myself so hard. He told me that I am the only one who sees that I am fat. He's so convinced that every guy looks at me and stares at me. I mean, once in awhile I will catch the occasional creeper like really staring me down, but they are just creepy. If I had the chance, there are so many things that I would not only change about my physical appearance, but myself as a person. Last night, I felt like the worst mom in history. My oldest got in trouble for hitting another little boy in the head with a baseball bat. I made him sit in timeout for 2 hours. I know, a bit extreme. But then I yelled at him because he couldn't give me a reason on why he did it. Which in turn made him cry. I felt so bad. So not only am I always on my own ass about my weight and what I eat and whether or not I work out, I am not constantly riding my ass about my mothering. My honey says that since I am the only one who deals with him constantly and he pushes every single button he knows how, that sometimes I have the right to get upset with him. He deliberately says things to hurt me, does things he knows is not ok, and doesn't show any remorse for when he hurts others. But even if it takes every last bit of sanity out of me, I am going to be a better mom. I will make him a better kid. And give my youngest a better chance at being a great kid. The boys just woke up, so I am going to make them some waffles, and take them for a walk again today to the park. Today is going to be a better day. And I am bound and determined to not be 112.4 tomorrow morning when I get on the scale.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

112.4

This is what the scale has been telling me the last two days. Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day. I wore a dress all day until the evening when it started getting chilly. I never wear dresses. I feel weird and insecure in them. I have such short, fat legs that they don't look good in anything besides jeans. I made french toast yesterday morning with sausage links and eggs. It came out pretty good. I love eggs, but did you know that there is 74 calories in one egg alone. That's if it's poached, which is the way I love to eat them. So since I made a big breakfast and it was around 10:30 when we ate, I decided not eat lunch. So around 6pm last night, I decided to make hamburgers for dinner. I was proud of myself because I didn't follow any recipe and they came out great. It was weird though because I got full so quick on them. And with this cold that I have, it makes it so painful to purge (not that, that stops me). So all together yesterday, I probably consumed 1,000 calories, but purged every last bit of it. Since it's been so nice this last week or so, I have been trying to go for a walk everyday. Except yesterday, I decided to go on a walk at last minute, and I was wearing flip flops, so now I have blisters on my toes. It's supposed to be 63 degrees today, but at the moment, it's pretty cloudy. The time change screwed with me a little bit, but actually the boys slept in because of it. My youngest has had the stomach flu and this nasty cold that I have, so I put the humidifier in the boys' room, and it's helping my youngest sleep, which is good. Both kids are cranky today, but I'm hoping we can still get out of the house and go for a walk or go to the park or something. I have been putting off folding laundry for 2 days now, and now I have 3 loads to fold. And put diapers away. But honestly, I just want to crawl under the blankets with some warm tea and get rid of this freaking cold. One thing that has been eating at me lately is how I go out of my way to help people, take them and get their stuff, pack my kids up in the car to run them around, offer to watch their kids if they need it, but then when it comes down to me getting a little help so I can either rest of what not, none of those people are anywhere to be found. I bet I could have kicked this cold at least a couple days ago had I been able to get some rest. Ok, well now I'm done ranting. I'm going to go do laundry.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

113 and so sick

Last night when I went to bed, I was perfectly fine. Felt great. Then I wake up this morning and feel like a freaking train hit me. My throat and chest burn. I haven't been able to stop coughing. So when I woke up, I decided to take a shower to maybe make me feel better. Got on the scale and much to my surprise, it said 113. I feel like I've been eating like a freaking pig lately. Granted, I have purged any and everything that I eat. But still. On Tuesday morning, I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I will NEVER eat those again. I wasn't able to purge it, even after 1 1/2 glasses of water. I was so frustrated. Nothing puts me in a bad mood like not being able to purge my food. And then yesterday, we stopped at McDonald's while we were out driving around and I got a milkshake and a mcdouble. OMG! It was so good going down, but when we stopped at the gas station so I could purge it, it was horrible. Never again lol. So then today, I went out to Village Inn with my mom for Lunch, and of course I purged that, and my mom gave me a pretty nasty look when I came out of the bathroom. She knows what's going on, and she won't say anything to my face. She is more of a passive aggressive person who won't actually say anything to you, more or less gives you the cold shoulder. Oh well, I can't satisfy everyone, can I? I wish it was that easy. I have come to realize that when my honey and I first got together, I was almost 140. I have lost almost 30lbs since we got together. The problem is, I don't freakin see it. My tummy is still fat, my legs are still fat, I still have my fat face. The only difference I have seen is in my boobs, the one place I DIDN'T want to lose weight. Go figure, right?  So now dinner is in the oven, and I most likely won't eat because I feel like crap. But I made BBQ Garlic Chicken, herb and butter noodles and corn. It will get eaten for sure by everyone else. Alright, so that's my rant for the day. Sigh.

Monday, March 5, 2012

113.6

So honestly, I'm just happy it's a loss. Last night I binged for my first time in almost 2 months. I probably only consumed 600 calories, but that's a lot for me. I freaked out afterwards and ended up purging every last bit of it, and even some of my dinner from a couple hours before that I must not have all purged. Yesterday it was such a beautiful day that my honey and I took a walk down to the park and back with my youngest. It was a total of 2 miles, so that felt awesome. I want to go again today, but the wind just recently started picking up, so I'm not sure that's going to happen. I haven't decided what I'm making for dinner tonight yet. I want to do something light seeing as I'm trying to get toned, and I don't get cramps as easily as I do if I eat heavy foods. On Friday night we went out, I ate before we went, but I drank so much. Like 4 drinks and a couple shots. Which the drinks I believe were double shotted lol. I felt like crap all day on Saturday, lol. I need to bake something this week. I want to do a pie of some sort. It's getting closer and closer to summer. Yay for the heat! Not so yay for shorts. My legs look absolutely horrifying in shorts. I still prefer to wear jeans in summer time. Although I love tank tops. They are the best. And flip flops. Well I have to go get my oldest from school and enjoy the rest of my afternoon.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

114

That's what my scale has said the last two mornings. It's only 8:30 and I'm already blogging. I got up at 4:15 this morning to take my youngest in for eye surgery. Things went well, he is just super tired from the drugs they gave him. Weird fact; every person has two eye ducts in their eyes, one on top and one on bottom. Turns out my son's top one NEVER formed. The surgeon said he's only seen a handful of those. But he said it's nothing too worrisome. It's already been a long day and it's barely started. I have to pick up my oldest form school in 3 hours, so I am going to attempt a nap before then. I'm starving, have been since I woke up. I was going to go out for breakfast, but turned it down last minute. I hate going out to eat with people seeing as it's pretty obvious that I go to the bathroom and purge my food right after I finish eating. I can't wait til I get home to purge because then that's way too many calories that have made it through my system. I am kinda shocked to see myself below 115. Happy, but shocked. I've been doing quite a bit of crunches and sit-ups to tone my tummy. If it wasn't so chilly outside today, I would take the boys for a walk. I am so ready for summer and hot heat to get here. I hate the cold. It's miserable and inconvenient. I'm going to finish deep cleaning and organizing the rest of the house later. On Tuesday, I spent 10 hours cleaning and organizing, which was good, because it kept me from eating all day. That's a comforting thought. That way I'm not stressing over if something didn't get purged or the anxiety of eating something that has WAY too many calories in it. Well I'm off to go take a quick nap and continue with the rest of my day. I hope my baby is feeling better when he wakes up.