117.2

OK, well not too much of a loss, is it? But it's not a gain neither. I didn't eat a whole lot yesterday. I ate this cheesy sausage and potato bake with a half of a roll for dinner. And then a cupcake. I wish I would have kept it down because today I feel like crap and don't want to eat, but I'm starving. I wish I could take a sick day and sleep all day and read. That sounds absolutely amazing. I think I may try to eat some soup. I got a ton of that Progresso Light soup, it's got like 140 calories in the whole thing. I most definitely won't eat the entire thing. That is way too many calories at one time. My youngest is down for a nap, my oldest is home from school, so maybe I can feed him lunch and then try lounging on the couch for a bit. I hope. Who would have thought that once you have two kids, it's impossible to take a nap, or sit down for longer than 5 minutes at a time? It's a good thing I'm a fast typer then lol. Last night, my honey and I were talking and he told me that since my weight goal for the entire year was 125 and I have very much surpassed that, he thinks that I could quit purging now. So then I proceeded to try to argue with that by telling him my new goal was 115. But secretly, last night while I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I had my left hand on my hip, laying on my right side, and I can feel my pelvis, like the way it's shaped and everything. That kinda scared me. But gave me a sense of satisfaction at the same time. My honey tells me that he loves my curves and that is one of the first things he noticed about me, so that's what I'm scared of. Is losing what he finds attractive. When we first got together, my ED wasn't near as bad as it is now, and he somewhere deep inside thinks it's his fault, but in reality, I started noticing a huge drop in my weight and that is why I have been doing it so much more lately. He wants to order pizza for dinner tonight. I freakin love pizza, but it doesn't love me. It's that hate/love relationship that I tend to have with most foods. Well it's almost lunch time, so I am off to make my oldest lunch. Enjoy the rest of your day =)

117.6

That is what I weighed in at this morning. I don't know how I did it, but hell, I'm not going to question it. Although I am going to get a new battery for the scale at the store today. I was telling my honey that I'm scared to get a new battery cuz right now, the scale is my friend and I don't want to get a new battery and it tell me, "hey wait, you're actually 130." I know that's silly, huh? Yesterday at lunch I had a burrito and some chips, which got purged and then last night we went to Country Buffet. Before we left, I told my honey that I needed to be a good girl if we were going to go to a buffet. So my first round was a tiny salad, a little bit of cottage cheese and a fruit salad. Probably a total of 200 calories. I did end up purging that. My main dish was popcorn shrimp, a small bit of mashed potatoes, a stale roll and a piece of ham. I wasn't too thrilled with any of that. And it ended up coming back up. Then for desert, I had two small pieces of two different cakes. Purged... So much for me trying to cut back on it, huh? I have noticed that my right hand is getting severely dry and cut, so I asked my honey why it's only on that hand and he told me he thinks it could be my stomach acid, which is probably true. So I have been putting antibiotic cream on it. I think it's working. I was so afraid to get on the scale this morning because I haven't weighed in in like 3 days or something like that. But I'm glad I did. Hopefully I can keep staying strong and not gain any weight. Well, I'm off to go to the grocery store and pick up my youngest from his father. =)

It's only 10am

I have had a bad morning. I slept horrible last night. I had nightmares all night. And I have purged 3 times already. I can't believe I actually went to Burger King this morning and ate it. I feel like a freaking cow. I am still stuck at 120. I am most definitely not happy about it. I am disappointed in me. I know my honey is disappointed in me. I don't understand why God will not let me see me how he made me. The pictures I got done on Saturday came out great though. She did such a fantastic job at making sure she didn't get any of my "bad sides." I'm hoping that when I get all of them back, I can finally see what most people see in me. I just want to have some kind of confidence. Even if it's just a little bit. I will be posting one of the pics on here to see what you all think. Like I said, she did an amazing job. I hope that the rest of this day will be better than the events this morning. I am going to make a turkey tonight to freeze for my oldest lunches. The doctor told me turkey would help with his ADHD so I'm hoping he is right. My mom is coming up today and we are going shopping. YAY for that. I need some retail therapy for sure. And no more food for me the rest of the day. Just tons of water.

Still stuck...

That is how I feel right now. I am still stuck at 120 exact. I don't get it. I have been doing crunches, eating a bit healthier, and still purged my dinner last night. I went on a mini binge last night around 10pm though. I was so mad at myself that I made sure I purged until nothing, not even water came back up. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with this anymore. But I know that if I don't purge, then here comes those last 20lbs I lost. But today is going to be a matter of mind over matter. I plan on making a bunch of snacks and food for Superbowl, but my goal is not to eat any of it. Maybe before I go to the store I will go and see if I can find any healthy snacks. Although the boys around this house are all about the meat and junk food haha. So maybe I will just find something healthy for me ;) I am pretty excited to get my pictures back this week. I'm nervous because I know that you can see my stretchmarks in them, but I try not to get too down about them. So two years ago on Superbowl Sunday is when I had my first miscarriage, so it seems that this day is always connected with that. My youngest was super sick last night that I had to take him to the ER. They told me they believe it may be the onset of Pneumonia but they won't know until Tuesday. We got home around 1am and now it's almost 10am and he is still sleeping. I am actually going to go wake him up though so he will take a normal nap time. Then heading off to the store. Might check back in later.

Pictures

Today I did something that I would normally NEVER do. I went and had my friend take boudoir photos of me. I was so nervous and so scared on how I was going to look in all those sexy little clothes. But by the end of it, I felt very comfortable doing them. I think my friend helped me be calm and comfortable. And the Mimosa probably helped a bit too ;) I weighed in this morning at 120 still. No more, no less. So that was kinda discouraging. On my way to go get my pictures done, I stopped and got a power bar. That was a bad idea. Those stupid things have 300 calories in them. And because I was driving, I couldn't purge them. Then after pictures, my youngest and I shared a fry from McDonald's. Again, in the truck, I couldn't purge. So of course I feel like a freaking cow. I'm making chicken burgers for dinner tonight with a salad and some fresh fruit on the side. Maybe I will skip the burger and just eat the salad. All I want to do is sleep right now. My youngest only let me get a total of like 3.5 hours of sleep last night. I think he is getting sick again. Sigh, just my luck. Maybe I will go take a nap while he is taking one. Hopefully my non purging of the two things I ate earlier doesn't cause me to gain any weight. I guess I will see in the morning.

I haven't weighed in...

It's been 2.5 days since I weighed in. I'm too scared that I have gained. Although I have been eating a lot healthier, I am still purging it, so I don't know if it makes much of a difference what my intake is. So for today I had a Lean Pocket and half an apple which is a total of 330 calories for the day and it's 1:00pm. Of course I couldn't help but purge them. Yesterday, my mom and I went to Souper Salad for lunch. I made a huge salad, which I didn't purge, but then the soup I had after and the desert I had after, I purged. I actually get quite cranky if I don't purge now. I just hate that feeling of being full. On a side note; Holy Snow Batman!! We have got at least a foot so far. And it's still coming down pretty hard. But I braved it and went to the grocery store. Hopefully I got enough food for the next two weeks. I bought a lot of Healthy Choice microwave meals. Those average around 300 calories each. I also bought a lot of oranges and apples and salad. So I'm making an attempt to at least make sure if I don't purge my food, that it will be healthy. I am making Hearty Ham and Apples for dinner. It has become one of my favorites. And my honey loves it. Of course, I don't know what time he will be home. This new job keeps him gone for long hours. But he seems happy, and that is all that matters to me. I am getting pictures done tomorrow, and I'm kinda nervous about them. But they should come out great because she is an amazing photographer. So I will probably weigh myself in the morning before I leave for those. We will see.

120 Exact

That is what I weighed in at today. I don't know how I feel about it. I gained like 12oz from the last time I weighed myself. A part of me is happy about what I am at, but another part of me is disappointed. I just want to be happy with myself. I wouldn't mind 110. That would be fantastic. Tomorrow, I am going to try my hardest to start eating veggies, fruits and soup. The Progresso Light stuff is only like 140 calories. I want to maintain if anything at this point. I don't have much to say today, but I suppose I will blog my progress.