UGW met... Still a failure

Just a heads up, this might possibly be long. And scattered. And I honestly don't know where to begin. I have so many feelings, so many emotions, so many words, but don't know how to put it. So first things first... I reached my goal. I got on the scale this morning and it read 100 exact. Yay for determination! I finally did it. All that hard work, and I made it. So... why am I not as happy about it as I thought I would be? Well for a couple different reasons. First thing is, T took me clothes shopping as my mothers day present. Well that turned out to be detrimental for everyone involved. The first couple pairs of shorts I grabbed off the rack were a size 3 because I was a 5 last time. Too big... So I grabbed a couple pairs of 0/1... Too big. I grabbed 5 shirts in a size small. Too big! By the time we left Ross I was so beyond frustrated. So then we went to Arc, and absolutely nothing fit either. T finally suggested that I look in the girls section. Not the juniors because that's what I was wearing, but the actual little girls. Talk about a walking freak show. Sure enough...they fit... But screw that. I am almost 23 years old. I should not be buying little girls jeans. So we came home and I was so beyond frustrated. The other reason why I'm not happy is; here I am, at my ultimate goal weight. My 100lbs I have been working so hard for, and guess what? I still feel disgusting. But on a whole 'nother level. There are some things that still need to go away. Like my jiggly thighs. It would be wonderful if those would just tone up already. The other thing is my pouch at the bottom of my stomach. But in other aspects, I am sickly skinny. I know none of this probably makes sense to anyone. Here is my ultimate issue: I NEVER thought that I actually would make it to 100. So that's why I kept fighting so hard for it. I NEVER thought I would see 120, or 110. So a friend asked me today, "You wanted to be 100, right? So what did you expect?" I never expected to get here. And then I made it here, and I am STILL NOT HAPPY!!! What the hell is wrong with me?!?! This is what I wanted. And a small part of me felt accomplished to see that number this morning. But all this hard work and my self image and self hatred hasn't changed. It's all so overwhelming. So yesterday I vowed that I would make a step forward. I was going to go a whole day without purging. So yesterday morning I ate 2 egg whites, a very small kiwi and my coffee with cream and sugar for breakfast. Total=98cals. Then dinner I had a couple pieces of roast beef. Total=70cals. So my total for the day was 168cals. But I walked a lot yesterday so my net ended up being -242. I was proud of myself because I had not purged and still ended up negative. Today's been a bit of a different story. T and I went out for breakfast. I had half of an egg white omelet(89), yogurt with granola(125) and 3/4ths of a whole grain pancake(79). Total=293cals. Then about an hour ago we went to McDonald's and I had half a small fry(115) and two bites of his sandwich(20cal) Total=135. So far today I have had an intake of 428cals. OMG I am freaking the hell out!!!! I have already cried about it twice. Mainly because it's only 4pm. There is still dinner. I have walked a couple miles today (-181cal). So my net for today SO FAR is 247cals... I can't believe I'm doing this. I am happy but on another level, I know that if I keep doing this, I am going to gain weight... I don't want to. I want to be better. But I want to stay at my current weight. See, none of this makes sense. Like I said, long and scattered. So for now, I'm ending this post. I don't know what I'm looking for in posting all of this. Encouragement for making a step forward? Or encouragement for sticking with ED, ANA, and MIA for so long and making it to my goal weight? Shit, I don't know anymore. Thanks for sticking with me through all of this. Much love.

XOXO

OMG Ewww

That's how I feel. I finally gave in and had a bowl of Ramen Noodles after not eating all day yesterday or this morning. Now I feel gross. Even though I purged them three freaking times, I don't feel like it's all gone. So now I feel extremely bloated. I have a doctors appointment in an hour and a half. My mouth has all these blisters in it and it freaking hurts. I just took my second round of weight loss pills, so I can't go and try and purge again. I just feel kinda miserable. I can't tell if I'm sick or if it's just these blisters that is causing my throat to hurt so bad. I just want a pajama day where I can just curl up with a book on the couch and watch TV all day. I know my doctor is going to ask how I'm feeling on the medication. To be honest, I'm not feeling any better. Actually, I feel a little more depressed than before. Of course T or anyone else won't notice because I have been doing well at being happy around everyone. I have been putting a smile on my face, laughing at jokes, and being, well, normal. I got sick of dragging everyone down with me. This is my hell. This is my battle. I need to fight the devil inside me by myself so no one else gets hurt. It hasn't gotten brought up that much between T and I which is a good thing. I don't know what I'm making for dinner tonight. My oldest is at his fathers, so I really only have to make something for T and I. Well maybe just him. I would be content with not eating anything else for the rest of the day. I feel so nasty. Thanks for the compliments on my progress pictures I posted earlier. I was so nervous putting them up. But I figured it can't hurt anyone (except my ego, lol.) I'm hoping on my way up to my doctors appointment, T will take me to Starbucks so I can get a chai tea latte. Those are my absolute favorites and only 170cal. I usually try not to count drink calories seeing as it just goes right through me. After my doctors appointment, I plan on coming home and taking a nap. That is if my youngest will go down for one. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Tuesday. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Progress pics

Ok, So I'm pretty nervous about putting these up, but oh well, here goes nothing. I will write a real post later in the day.

I can not stand my front view

I still have work to do; Ugh

101.4 and 20mg

So I weighed in at 101.4 this morning. My BMI is finally at 18.5! This is a big accomplishment for me. So I only have 1.4lbs til I reach my goal. T keeps saying that physically, I won't notice those last couple pounds, but I bet I will feel so great when I finally see that 100 mark. Yesterday I started feeling a cold coming on. My throat was so sore, so I didn't eat anything all day until dinner came last night. I ended up making hamburgers for everyone, but since my throat was killing me, I ate Ramen Noodles instead. I know that purging while I'm sick is probably not in my best interest, but I had to purge. My throat hurt worse afterwards, but I no longer felt full. Being sick is kind of a God send if you ask me. It keeps me from snacking, or eating anything too solid. Last night while we played Yahtzee, I wanted to binge on chocolate so bad, but instead I drank two cups of tea and avoided it. I didn't work out yesterday. But that's OK. Mainly because I cleaned the house from top to bottom, folded 4 loads of laundry, and read. I'm reading this book called "The 10th Circle." It's amazing. In a nutshell, it's about a dad who is writing a comic based on Dante's Inferno, and his daughter is in a difficult spot in her life and his wife is distant from him. That's all I can say without giving too much away. Last night was also my first night of moving up to 20mg on my Prozac. I got two more days of 20mg then I move up to 30mg. Then 3 days on 30mg, and then finally I will be on 40mg for a month. This Sunday is Mothers Day. I hate Mothers day. I always have. I never get to spend it with my mom, and no one has ever celebrated me as a mother. Because I placed my first son up for adoption when I was younger, that part of me is missing. And both of my boys' fathers never celebrated it with me. It's very discouraging. I just want to skip it all together. My mom tried to get it off of work, but they told her no. I don't know what I'm going to get her. I just wish I could sleep through it all and not even think about it. So it's almost 10am and I'm not even hungry. I just finished my coffee, my youngest is down for a nap, so I think I'm going to go read some of my book. I'm sorry for this post being so scattered lol. Much love.
XOXO Katie

I thought I was doing well

Yesterday and Thursday, I thought I was managing my mood swings and depression well. Now I'm discouraged and am back to feeling like a failure. T's dad and I went gambling. I told myself I was only going to spend 25 dollars. I spent 70 and freaking lost it all. I had a 20 minute anxiety attack in the bathroom of the casino. I couldn't get myself to calm down. I was crying hysterically. People probably thought I was crazy. But between losing all my money and the 110cal Special K chips that my body refused to purge, I was in complete panic mode. I got on the scale this morning and I am down almost a whole pound from yesterday. I weighed in at 102.2. Great, right? Well I'm pretty sure that went out the window today. I am in a full on depression at the moment. I was so mad at myself for losing all that money and the snacks I had, that when I got home, I worked out for 2 hours in the 90 degree garage to punish myself for being such a failure. I don't care if I worked off the calories that I racked up today, I still feel disgusting. While I was working out, I kept telling myself how fat and jiggly my thighs were and that if I didn't work harder, nothing was going to change. Good motivation I suppose. Now it's almost 7pm, I haven't even started dinner. Mainly because T still isn't home from work, but also because I'm negative 379cal right now and I don't want to mess that up. I did manage to purge a couple times when I got home. I forced myself to eat something that would be easy. Damn it. I thought I was doing better. Nope, still a failure. I wanted to cut. That's how depressed I got. I haven't cut in SOOO long that it felt silly for the thought to even cross my mind. Oh well I suppose. Sorry for such a depressing post. Much love.

103 exact

Normally I would be happy about this. Normally I would be jumping up and down with joy. Guess that's one thing about me lately; nothing I do is normal. Nothing I feel is normal. All these thoughts, all the obsessing over numbers, the way I feel about myself, none of it's normal. I went for a follow up doctors appointment yesterday. He finally decided to start me on Prozac and then another medication strictly just for anxiety, but he told me to only take that one when I have no responsibilities or there is someone around to help with the kids because it's going to make me sleepy and confused. Hmm. Don't know how I feel about that one. He told me that people with an eating disorder usually take the full 60mg of Prozac, but he wants me to be on 40mg for a month before he decides to move me up. So fantastic, I'm on crazy pills. Pills that will most likely make me feel like a zombie and probably make me gain weight. If I gain weight on these stupid things, I'm going to freak. Last night, I had a total anxiety attack. I was so hungry, but it was around 11pm and that was just a bad combination. So like the fat pig I am, I grabbed a jar of peanut butter and just dove in with my damn fingers. Ugh, disgusting, I know. But then I freaked. Because I know that I can't purge peanut butter very easily. So at midnight I decided to make me Ramen Noodles. I know that was probably a horrible idea. I ate a whole bowl full, then went to purge. Ugh, the peanut butter was so unpleasant. After I got out of the restroom, it lead to a huge discussion with T. Which ultimately ended in an argument. Fuck, I wish those would just stop already. His dad emailed us some links with some videos he took last week of all of us, and wow, do I look freaking unhappy. When T and I first got together, his dad took a video of all of us, and I was so full of light, so happy, and full of a smiles. These videos we watched last night, well I look depressed. I'm barely smiling. You can tell the smiles I do have are forced. Why is that? What do I have to be unhappy about? Besides the fact that I can't stand my body. I can't stand myself as a person. But everyone around me loves me. It's frustrating because I know that I could possibly lose T because of this and nothing is changing. I want so badly to be happy and full of light again. I want our relationship to be healthy. I want to love myself. But instead, here I sit, 103lbs and still not satisfied. I was looking at my stats yesterday and the first recorded one I have on here was 120lbs at the beginning of February. I know that I started out the year at 125lbs. So in 5 months, I have lost 22lbs. Why is this not good enough? Why does ED and Ana keep telling me to keep going? I'm so freaking overwhelmed. I have been doing everything for everyone else all week this week. I can't say no to anyone. That is a big problem of mine. One day. For myself. To do everything for myself. That's what I need. A restart, refresh day; for myself. Yep. Alright, sorry for this post being so long. I will update tomorrow. Much love.

Ever feel like jumping?

XOXO

Lazy

I have not exercised since Saturday. So today my boys and I went on an hour and a half walk. So that gave me a bit of negative calories. Came home and did 200 crunches and 50 leg lifts. So I am at -210 calories for the day. You would think with results like that, I would be satisfied. The only thing I have kept down was 57 calories worth of frozen yogurt. And that wasn't too long ago. So I'm feeling huge. I hate that feeling. Of feeling full. These days, no matter how little I eat, I am always feeling full. Dinner has been in the crock pot for 3 hours now. I'm making Spicy Chicken BBQ sandwiches, baked potatoes and salad for dinner. Except mine won't be a sandwich. I don't need the extra calories or carbs. And I most definitely won't have a baked potato, but instead I will have some raw veggies. I bought some plain Greek yogurt at the store today. I think tomorrow for breakfast I will have some of that with some kiwi that I also bought. It really sucks that despite how healthy I may be eating, I still don't keep the food down. I'm scared of the calories, also can not stand that full feeling. I had a very stressful morning because my oldest son's father didn't pay my child support yesterday like he was supposed to. I rely on that money. As much as I hate to admit it, I need the money to help with bills and some other small necessities. It's frustrating. I had to cancel my therapy this morning because I didn't even have the gas to get there. He makes me so upset. I just want to cry. Then bill collectors have been calling me all day. I'm just so over this day. I just put my youngest down for a nap, maybe I will just start some laundry and lay down with my book. I am not sure when T will be home, but dinner is supposed to be done in about 3 hours. Hopefully he will be home by then. We stayed up until almost 2am playing Yahtzee. It was fun. We haven't played since I got it for Christmas. It was perfect him and I time. While we were playing, I had such a craving for nacho cheese Doritos, so I grabbed a brand new bag and went through the whole thing. And maybe ate a total of 4 chips. Like I've said in the past, I just enjoy licking the flavor off of them and then give the chip to the dogs. They enjoy that too. I'm weird, aren't I? I'm hoping after dinner tonight I will be able to work out. I have only purged 3 times today which is good. Then after tomorrow at noon, I will be kid free, so I will be able to work out all I want. Yay! Well I'm going to read my book. Thank you all for the comments on yesterday's blog. I still haven't heard back from my blood results. Hopefully soon. Much love.

XOXO Katie