Still the same, but feel so much bigger

To see that I was the same weight from yesterday was good, but disappointing. Last night we went out, I might have drank a little bit too much, but I had fun. T even sang a song with me at Karaoke. That was the first time. And he did good, from what I could remember lol. I feel huge today. It could be because while I was out and about, I stopped at McDonalds and got a medium fry. I ate about half of that, but because I was running errands, I couldn't purge it. Then later on, I stopped back by there and got a milkshake, again couldn't purge. That was really frustrating. So the two things that I consumed today didn't get purged. I'm very upset with myself. And now we are about to eat Pizza Rolls, but those will be purged. My stomach feels huge. I did buy 3 pairs of jeans for myself at Arc today and only spent 11 dollars on myself, which is fantastic. I can't remember exactly the sizes I got, but I believe that two of the pairs were a size 3 and the other was a 5. That's one thing I hate about jeans is that each brand fits me differently. I just remembered that I need to go to the store and get conditioner seeing as I have none and I can't take a shower without it. I bought the boys their Easter baskets today. I can't wait to do an actual egg hunt with them this year. I'm thinking about doing it at a park though because there are so many kids in our cul-da-sac and I don't want them stealing the boy's eggs. I hate that I'm having such a fat night. I just want to cry. I hope tomorrow is better. Alright, off to the store I go. Much love.

XOXO Katie

107 Exact

Alright, so I went up a bit, but that's OK. I knew I was going to. And I weighed in even when I said I wouldn't. Today was a much better day. The sun was shining, my oldest and I had a mommy/son day and I have barely touched food. I was blessed this morning with 70 dollars from a friend, so I was able to get my plates for my car and get my oldest some summer clothes which he desperately needed. So we went shopping, we went to lunch at McDonalds (I didn't eat lunch, thank God), went to this awesome self serve frozen yogurt place called Cool Berry. Oh my God, why haven't I ever gone there before? That's where I got my calories today. Probably about 200 were consumed there, but oh so worth every bite. I did purge a bit of it when I got back home, but for the most part it stayed. Ugh. Then after all of this, I took him to the park to play for about 45 minutes before I took him to his dads. Now we are completely kid free, so I'm going to go make dinner, and then later tonight we are going out for drinks. I wore my dress today (sorry, still haven't taken a picture of it yet) and got a lot of compliments on how beautiful it is. I don't know what I'm going to wear out tonight. I have this little short black dress with a hot pink bow and polka dots that I really love and I could wear my knee high boots with. But I'm just a jean and boots kinda girl also. But who knows. My phone also came today, so I gotta switch that over and make sure all my numbers get switched. I hate changing phones because I have to reinstall all my apps, but that's OK. So off to dinner I go, thank you all for sticking with me through this. Much love.

XOXO Katie

106.8 and a crappy day

So I couldn't tell if I was happy or upset that I lost. I love seeing that number go down, but where is the line for me losing weight? I'm just a roller coaster of emotions about this. I just want to stop hating myself. I want to be happy and not always worrying about this crap. But I know that if I get help, I will gain and that scares me. Scares me to the point of a nervous breakdown. I just can't handle all of this. I ate like a fat cow today. 200 calories at breakfast (purged), 250 calories at lunch (purged), and then 500 calories at dinner (very purged). I can't believe I freaking consumed that much in one day! I feel like a total failure at life today. So around noon, I went down and saw my birth son, R, and his family. Going and seeing him is always so hard on me, but today was disasterous. He refused to talk to me, hug me, take a picture with me but he did happen to mention he doesn't like me. It absolutely broke my heart. I am so depressed about the whole matter. Then we went out to get dinner and when we got back, I went to get out of the car and my phone fell out onto the ground and shattered the entire screen. Ugh! I had to use my last 40 dollars as my deductable on my insurance to have a new one sent to me. But now I'm broke. Then T just called me and told me that his last job he has today, they can't even start til midnight! What the shit is that? So he won't be home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I'm just having a terrible day. I won't weigh in tomorrow because I know that I will have gone up, and I just can't handle that. I hate seeing that number go up. I swear that tomorrow better go better or I'm going to lose all patience I have for anything. Oh and on my final note, I have crappy friends. I'm tired of being a last resort for everyone. That's the end of that.

Disappointment

Let me start off by saying that I didn't eat dinner last night. By the time that T got home, and after a very long discussion (and a small disagreement), I didn't have an appetite. I want to point out that T and I have a very open relationship, can and will always discuss anything that is bothering us, even if it's about the other, so sometimes, feelings might be hurt, but in the end, it's better for the both of us. So anyway, this morning when I woke up, I was starving. I got on the scale (still 108.8,) took a shower and got ready for my post-op appointment. My mom came up to go with me to that. We came back home after my appointment and I decided to eat one of the muffins I made the other day. I actually only ate half of it and gave the rest to my youngest. That kid loves to eat. Then my mom and I took my youngest to his dads and on the way up there, we were discussing our plans for the rest of the day. We were going to go see The Hunger Games at 2:30 so she wanted to get lunch before hand. She told me to choose where I wanted to go. Well I wanted Panera, but she didn't, lol. So why did she make me choose? In the end, we decided on Chilli's. Sigh...No matter what you get there, it's packed full of calories. So I ordered my side salad and a half of a BLT and my diet coke. As we were waiting for our food, my mom took my hands in hers, looked me in the eyes and asked me to please not purge my lunch. Which lead into a discussion about how it's so difficult for me no to purge. She dropped it after that. We ate, I told her that I needed to use the restroom because of all the water I drank, and went into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, stared at my stomach and my arm fat and I just couldn't help it. I purged. Came back out, sat down and resumed our conversation. Well we still had an hour til the movie, so we decided to go over to Ross to see if we could find some jeans. Well unfortunately at this time of the year, they don't have a great selection on jeans, so I grabbed some summer dresses, a couple tank tops and went to the changing room. I walked out of Ross with one beautiful dress, and one tank top. Went to the movies. For the most part I was pleased with the movie. Only a minor complaints but overall, it was wonderful. Afterwards, we picked up my oldest and went to Walmart and picked up a few things. By the time we got back to my house, it was 6:00. I wasn't really hungry so I just made some fish sticks for my oldest. Now it's a quarter to 8:00 and T still isn't home from work and I'm still not hungry. I'm just having an overall fat day, so it's probably better if I didn't eat. I took comparison photos yesterday from my before and after weight loss, but I don't think I should post them here. I haven't decided. Alright, this blog was way too long. Talk to you all later.

Much love, Katie

108.8

I was surprised to see those numbers this morning. Especially because I didn't feel like I had lost anything. So this morning I found out that my BMI is 19.9. In order for me to stay in the normal range and not go underweight, my weight has to stay at 102 or above. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this weight loss. At the beginning of September of last year, I was 140. So since then, I have lost 31.2lbs. I mean, I'm happy that I've lost so much weight, but the problem is, I don't see it. There are certain parts of my body where I can notice it. Example; I can see my shoulder blades, my collar bone, there's a gap in my thighs now, and my chest is smaller. But my legs are still flabby, my hips are still and probably always going to be wide (thanks kids lol), and my stomach, ugh my stomach is repulsing. I hate my stomach. It's the biggest problem area on my body. I barely look good in clothes, let alone naked. So I did something this morning that I'm not sure if I want to follow through with. I called this lady who is a therapist and she works strictly with girls with eating disorders. I left her a message, but I'm not sure what I would be getting myself into. I just want someone to talk to right now. But I don't want to go into recovery, does that make sense? So I'm debating on posting before and after pictures of this weight loss adventure, but not sure if I feel comfortable yet. I didn't eat breakfast this morning and right now I'm eating Ramen Noodles. I want to take the boys to the park because it's so nice outside, and I'm starting to feel a bit better. So maybe after I'm done eating. I want to say thank you for all the love and support I have been getting through here. It's truly amazing. Much love!
XOXO Katie

This girl is sooo pretty

Baked egg in an avocado.... Mmmm

That is what I had for breakfast this morning. Well half of the avocado with the egg and a small piece of wheat toast. Total the breakfast was around 180 calories. And it was sooo yummy. I still weighed in at 110 this morning, and I'm OK with that. I didn't gain, which is always a plus. Unfortunately, I did purge my breakfast this morning. T thinks that maybe it's taking so much longer for my body to heal from surgery because my body needs nutrition and I'm depriving myself of that. He is probably right. It's now 1:30pm and I don't have much of an appetite. I thought about making some ramen noodles, but if I eat now and then dinner at 6, that's too close together for me. I'm making chicken cordon bleu for dinner with white rice. I'm pretty proud of myself that I have learned to cook all of this amazing food on my own. I didn't have anyone teach me. The topic of my ED has been coming up quite a bit between T and I. He thinks I'm closed minded and that until I want to change, no one is going to convince me otherwise. He is right. There is a small part of me that wants to beat this thing, but a bigger part of me that likes having it around. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. If I continue on with my disease, I dissapoint the people in my life and ultimately myself. But if I don't and decided to change it, I will get fat and be unhappy with myself. So it seems like a lose, lose situation. On another note, I need to get out of this house. Being here is driving me insane. I think being here for so long has triggered a bit of my depression and anxiety. I want to be outside in the beautiful sunshine or up in the mountains. I also want to say a special thanks to Dainty for being a tremendous amount of support and being a new friend in an otherwise dark place. I love that I have someone to talk to who is just like me. Alright, might update later. Much love.
XOXO Katie

My first poem in over 2 years

OK, so it's been a very heavy evening around here. With all conversations steering back towards my disorder, I decided I need to write again. I haven't wrote a poem in over 2 years because I felt like there was nothing left to write. Hope you enjoy.

Beaten, Battered, Broken,
Alone, inside this hell.
This is me, I'm sorry,
My head is starting to swell.

Screaming silently,
The outside is a disguise.
You are too scared to see,
My life through my eyes.

The outside is my shell,
And inside I keep hidden.
My lies and secrets,
They are forbidden.

I thrive to be perfect,
Reality is, I've drifted.
My original reasons,
Have been shifted.

I thought I had control,
But it has control of me.
My heart has a lock,
My disease holds the key.

My every thought is blurred,
My reasoning is unclear.
I thought it was my friend,
But really, it's my fear.

For I'm afraid to lose it,
I'm content if it stays.
But it's consuming every thought,
Controlling in every way.

It's no longer a way out,
But instead it's made it's way in.
I don't know if I care,
I'm the smallest I've ever been.

That's what all of this was for,
To see those numbers go down.
My life is surrounded by calories,
It's centered on the pounds.

So for now I'll let it stay,
Do as it pleases.
Hopefully I can gain control,
And the pain inside eases.