Sorry to disappoint you all

Yesterday was a bad day with my self esteem. From the minute I woke up, before I even got on the scale, I hated myself. I'm not sure why. I thought I was fat all day. The only thing I ate yesterday was some frozen yogurt and a salad. Total was probably about 300 calories. And then my dumb ass purged after dinner. Ugh I was so frustrated with myself. I am still living with this damn migraine. I'm so over it. I am back down to 96.8lbs. I'm sorry to let you all down. I am really trying. I was having some good days, so I was bound to have a slip up. I feel like I'm letting you all down and showing that there is no way to beat this stupid disease. I hate myself. And what the worst part is, I think my oldest son is starting to notice. Yesterday when I made his lunch, he asked me why I wasn't eating lunch. Then this morning as he was eating his breakfast, he asked me if I was going to eat breakfast. Then he told me that I should eat. My 4 year old is telling me this. He even went to the cabinet and got me a box of multi grain cheerios. So I ate a cup of that with a tiny bit of almond milk. He seemed pleased. Ugh, see, I'm letting everyone down with all of this. Speaking of my oldest, last night I sat there and watched him playing outside. I have been taking more notice in him since I've become aware of his problems. He was playing outside, all the other kids were playing together, and my oldest was off by himself. He was riding his bike, or dancing around the sidewalk. He is so lonely, but he seems fine with it, for now. His first therapy/psychiatrist appointment is in a few hours. Yesterdays phone interview went decent. But she told me that once I get the papers turned in, he will be placed on a 5 month waiting list. So in the meantime, she wants me to keep journaling on him and seeing his therapist and psychiatrist. I have my therapy session tomorrow. I think I should cancel because I won't have a sitter for my oldest. God I feel huge today. I think I'm going to go do my ab workouts before I take my oldest to his appointment. I'm sorry for letting everyone down. Much love.
XOXO Katie

How does this even happen? Hmm

I don't understand my body at all. Yesterday I had a total of about 900 calories. Like holy cow! Literally. I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. I even had a small second helping at dinner. I did have to take laxies yesterday, but they didn't help me very much. I see my therapist today, and she isn't going to be happy with me. I don't get it. 900 freaking calories. With no exercise. I didn't go running because I did so much researching and crying last night. I'm trying not to jump the gun with this situation with my son, but I need answers. I felt so bloated and disgusted with myself after dinner last night, but I thought to myself, "well I will gain, and that's what needs to happen, right?" Nope. I got on the scale this morning before my shower and I am down 2lbs. I'm back down to 94.8lbs. WTF? How does this even make any sense. I ate like a freaking pig yesterday. Consumed way more calories than I ever have without purging, and here I am down 2lbs. I'm not going to let it ruin my mood though for the day. It's beautiful here. I plan on taking my oldest to the water park today since It's supposed to be super hot. My therapy is at noon. I should probably have something small for breakfast before I go. A part of me wishes I could just cancel it and wait to see her til I gain some weight. But they charge 25 dollars if you cancel that same day. So I will put my big girl panties on and suck it up and go. I have been freaking craving chocolate like a mad woman. I want a huge cupcake coated in chocolate icing. I know that I would never eat it, but I would give it a taste lol. I might do some retail therapy as well today. I need it. On a final note, I finally got a hold of my son's dad last night, demanding he come to my house and speak to me after ignoring me for 3 days, and he just blew me off saying that he didn't have the time and he was too busy. What a jerk. I am seriously thinking about taking his rights from him and giving T a chance to be a father to him. My son needs a reliable dad in his life. He isn't getting that from his sperm donor right now. Alright, enough bitching. So here I am on a beautiful Friday and I'm going to make the most of it. Have a wonderful day everyone. Much love.

XOXO Katie

A day full of emotions

Perfect thighs

Yesterday I didn't feel too well. I ate what I could. I spent most of the day in the restroom. I drank a huge amount of coffee, water and Gatorade. I was so sure I was going to be above 100lbs when I woke up this morning. I didn't get to work out at all yesterday. I was pretty upset about that. I have this overwhelming urge to exercise everyday. Best believe I will today after my youngest takes a nap. So before I announce what the numbers read on the scale this morning, I wanna talk about the book I was reading. In case some of you missed it, it's called "Purged; Rehab diaries." Alright, amazing book. Hands down one of the best books I have read about ED's. It talks about her personal experience in an ED clinic. She included her actual journal entries, her documents from her therapists and the meal plans she was provided with while there. She talks about how there is no cure to an eating disorder, and one will always have that urge long after you have "recovered." She said 50 percent of bulimics relapse within 6 months of treatment, and the percentage for anorexics is even higher. She was diagnosed with EDNOS. The more and more I think about it, maybe that is me. I have tendencies of both. Anyway, I do recommend it. Not very triggering at all in my opinion. I finished it in about 6 hours. This medication is still making me sleepy. I just want to take a nap. It's 2pm and I still haven't ate. My stomach is still a bit upset. I ate chicken noodle soup for dinner last night. Pretty late too. So that's why I was so sure I was going to gain. So after laying in bed just talking with T for an hour this morning before he had to go to work, I went to go do my morning ritual. Started the shower, stripped down and stepped on. I told T not to look, but he peaked anyway. I had to step on the damn thing 4 times to make sure it was right. T was not upset at all seeing as I am eating and I wasn't feeling well yesterday. So it read 95.2lbs! That is the lowest I have ever been. So all kinds of emotions came from this number. I was shocked seeing as I have been eating like a fat cow these last few days to put weight on. I was scared because I thought T would be upset, but he wasn't. And then I was happy. Happy to see that if I want to, I can lose the weight again easily if I believe I'm getting too fat too soon. I will eat a normal dinner tonight. And I'm OK with that. But I do plan on exercising today as well. Another weird thing has happened. I have heard about it happening before, but never thought it would to me. This might be a little TMI, but my monthly visitor is very, very late. I took a test a couple days ago at the doctor. It came back negative. I have lost it due to lack of body fat. This scares me a bit seeing as T wants to have another child sometime in the future. But maybe as I get fatter again, it will come back. Who knows. Alright, I'm off to finish cleaning. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Hello again, ANA

So just as I suspected, today isn't what it's all hyped up to be. I woke up to the house completely trashed by my puppy. Toilet paper, my TWO favorite pairs of shoes; completely destroyed and in pieces all over the house. My youngest woke up with something very weird going on with him (but I'm not going to write about it until I take him to the doc tomorrow.) I woke T up with coffee and breakfast. He told me that he wanted to make me breakfast since it's mother's day. That was sweet to offer, but I beat him to the punch and made his lol. While he ate, I went and jumped in the shower. I did my morning ritual by stripping down and got on the scale. Still read 100lbs. I can't tell if I'm finally over this number and want to lose, or I just can't understand why I haven't lost. It's not that I really want to lose anymore. But with how much ANA has been around, you would think it would make a difference. She has been yelling at me all day. Telling me how horrible those jeans looked on me, that my arm fat is disgusting, that I should wear a hoodie all day so everyone doesn't have to see how gross I look. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Instead of enjoying my day and feeling wonderful and beautiful, I feel repulsing. My intake for the day so far is -80cal. It's almost 4pm. I'm starving. That's OK. I can't imagine putting anything into me so close to dinner. After T gets home from the movies, I am making chicken alfredo for dinner. Not for myself of course. Nope. I will have 1.5 cups of salad with a few pieces of chicken in it. No dressing. Too many calories. ANA is telling me to not put the chicken in it. And to do 1 cup instead. That's only 10cal. A 10cal dinner? No, that's not right. I can at least put the chicken in it. This is how it's been all day. That's why I have only had my egg whites and kiwi at 8am this morning. I'm empty. I'm trying not to think about the burrito that T bought me a couple days. My favorite breakfast burrito ever. No. Just stop thinking about it now. I plan on working out tonight. Make my calories even more negative. I can't get fat. I need to. I will one day. Just not now. Or anytime soon. I'm going to go lay down instead. Maybe I can fall asleep for an hour and that will take away my hunger. I will stop thinking about food. I will not get on Pinterest and look at food porn. Well maybe just for a few minutes. No one else is around. It won't hurt anyone. Just like it wouldn't matter to anyone if I went in the kitchen and ate the chocolate fudge pudding, or a chocolate chip cookie, or 5. Alright, that's enough rambling. Thank you to my new followers. Much love.

XOXO Katie