My body wants to give up today. I can feel it. My stomach is tight, my head is spinning. I've been eating, but maybe it's not good enough. Maybe my body is finally done. I walked a total of 5.5 miles at Relay yesterday. Go me! I didn't eat much dinner because I snacked so much yesterday, I just wasn't hungry. I'm shaky. And depressed. I forgot to take my Prozac last night, so I took it about an hour ago and then I will take it again tonight. It's a good thing I didn't take it last night because I ended up drinking. Totally didn't plan on it. T was in the kitchen and asked if I wanted a Screwdriver. I ended up having 2 and half of his. Half way into my first one I started feeling it. I have become a light weight these days. I weighed the same this morning despite my lack of calories and tons of exercise I did yesterday. Oh well. I don't care. I haven't ate yet this morning because I have been cleaning. T said he will have a long day at work today. I feel distant from him. This saddens me. He is such an amazing man. So supportive. But I know with all these external forces (my oldest son's mental health, my youngest son's neurology issues, my recovery, plus my son's father being a complete jerk,) T feels like he is being put on the back burner. I have to fix this. He is the one person in my life that I need on a constant basis. I'm just so depressed today. And lonely. I am going to eat a sandwich for lunch. I haven't ate a sandwich in forever because of all the calories in bread alone, plus peanut butter and the jelly. OMG so many calories. Now I'm freaking myself out. Ugh. I am so over this shit. Yesterday at Relay, I had so many people say to me, "Wow, you've lost so much weight. You look good." Those were nice. But then I had a friend say to me who I haven't seen in almost a year, "You look sick. You need to get help." Well thanks. I know this. I'm just so overwhelmed with all the issues with both my boys, especially my oldest. I'm overwhelmed with trying to recover but ED and ANA not letting me for more than a couple days at a time. I'm overwhelmed because I feel like I'm going to lose T with everything going on. And I'm practicing a lot of self control for not punching my son's father in the face. Of course, that's what I got arrested for 2.5 years ago. Anyway, I'm going to go finish up some laundry and read for a bit. Much love.
XOXO Katie
