Just giving up

My body wants to give up today. I can feel it. My stomach is tight, my head is spinning. I've been eating, but maybe it's not good enough. Maybe my body is finally done. I walked a total of 5.5 miles at Relay yesterday. Go me! I didn't eat much dinner because I snacked so much yesterday, I just wasn't hungry. I'm shaky. And depressed. I forgot to take my Prozac last night, so I took it about an hour ago and then I will take it again tonight. It's a good thing I didn't take it last night because I ended up drinking. Totally didn't plan on it. T was in the kitchen and asked if I wanted a Screwdriver. I ended up having 2 and half of his. Half way into my first one I started feeling it. I have become a light weight these days. I weighed the same this morning despite my lack of calories and tons of exercise I did yesterday. Oh well. I don't care. I haven't ate yet this morning because I have been cleaning. T said he will have a long day at work today. I feel distant from him. This saddens me. He is such an amazing man. So supportive. But I know with all these external forces (my oldest son's mental health, my youngest son's neurology issues, my recovery, plus my son's father being a complete jerk,) T feels like he is being put on the back burner. I have to fix this. He is the one person in my life that I need on a constant basis. I'm just so depressed today. And lonely. I am going to eat a sandwich for lunch. I haven't ate a sandwich in forever because of all the calories in bread alone, plus peanut butter and the jelly. OMG so many calories. Now I'm freaking myself out. Ugh. I am so over this shit. Yesterday at Relay, I had so many people say to me, "Wow, you've lost so much weight. You look good." Those were nice. But then I had a friend say to me who I haven't seen in almost a year, "You look sick. You need to get help." Well thanks. I know this. I'm just so overwhelmed with all the issues with both my boys, especially my oldest. I'm overwhelmed with trying to recover but ED and ANA not letting me for more than a couple days at a time. I'm overwhelmed because I feel like I'm going to lose T with everything going on. And I'm practicing a lot of self control for not punching my son's father in the face. Of course, that's what I got arrested for 2.5 years ago. Anyway, I'm going to go finish up some laundry and read for a bit. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Optimistic?

Yesterday was a day full of snacking and binging. I haven't binged in so long. I consumed 550 calories in one sitting. Ugh I felt so disgusting that I did something that I regret doing. But we won't discuss that. Then Memorial Day dinner last night consisted of a plain turkey burger (140) and a salad (15.) After I ate, I went to go clean out the bathtub so I could give my youngest a bath and MIA became really loud and mean while I was in the bathroom. I gave in. Fuck. Three times yesterday. I don't have the heart to tell T because he would be so sad. But despite all the calories I ate yesterday, I was in a wonderful mood. Taking the boys to the water park and being out in the sunshine felt amazing. Summer will be different this year. I will be skinny, I will be happy, and my boys will be happy. I want to make the most out of this summer. I went for a run last night. It felt amazing. I did two miles. It was liberating. Then came home, did my crunches, sit ups and my leg lifts. I want abs. I want to have a toned, sexy stomach. I think I put too much food in my stomach yesterday because it's quite upset this morning. Last night before bed, I told T that I wanted today to be a coffee day because I consumed so much yesterday and with keeping my youngest up half the night last night so he will be exhausted for his test that isn't until 2pm, I need the energy. I've only had one cup at home. When I go to take him for his test, I will stop and get one at the gas station. Maybe another when I get to Denver. I have spent all morning cleaning. I picked up and organized our bedroom, folded 4 loads of laundry, another load in the dryer, did the dishes, and now I'm about to vacuum. I've already burned over 100 calories in cleaning alone. It feels amazing. The only downfall to this day is I am so tired today. I did gain another pound. I'm at 96.6 this morning. That's OK. I didn't cry when I saw that number. This is what needs to happen so I don't go inpatient. I know this. The pain on my right side is still very much there. But I'm learning to deal with it. It's hard to pick up my youngest. He's a chunk though lol. My best friend, R, who struggles with an ED as well, she and I have become so close again. But she told me yesterday that she isn't ready for recovery. I don't know how to deal with that except to support her. She will get there one day. It took me a long time to get to this point. And some days, I'm still not there; like yesterday. But I will beat this. See, optimistic =) Welcome to all my new followers in the last few days. I'm glad some people find my writing worth reading. Maybe one day when I decide to write my own book, you all will be like, "Hey, I used to follower her blog back when she was a sad, sick girl." Anyway, going to vacuum, and take my little one outside to play. I need to make him exhausted. Have a wonderful day everyone. Much love.

XOXO Katie