I have missed everyone

I have now started a recovery blog. It's as much recovery related I can make it. But that is my new blog and where I will update. I have missed all of you lovely ladies. Here is a link to my new blog. Please go follow it =)  http://stealingmyselfbackfromana.blogspot.com/

100th and final post

Well this marks my 100th post. And I have 72 lovely followers who have been nothing but supportive for all of my weight loss and now for my weight gain. I am so very thankful for every single one of you. You have made me smile on my bad days. But I am sad to announce that this will be my final post. Last night T and I got into a huge argument/discussion and it became clear to me. If I need to get better, than I must eliminate all of the things in my life that are revolved around my eating disorder. I have deleted MyFitnessPal, I deleted all of my "progress" pictures on my phone, and now to go about my life. This blog has been my biggest source of inspiration for when I was losing weight, and one of my biggest support systems in getting better. I have loved forming a friendship with most of you that read this. And this isn't an ending to a friendship, but rather a beginning to my life without my eating disorder. I have a very long and rough road ahead, but I am bound and determined to do it. I have my boys who need me as their mother, and I can't very well be their mother if I'm dead because of this disease. I have my boyfriend who loves me with every fiber of his being despite the hell I've put him through, and I need to show to him that he is worth fighting for. That my life is worth fighting for. My eating disorder has been a part of my life for almost 12 years, but within this past year, it has become my life. And I can't do it anymore. I can't fight the constant battle of living with this thing. I have to walk away from this chapter in my life and start anew. I hope to one day be able to help girls like me/us that struggle with self body image and keep them from traveling this same dangerous path. I am 96lbs. I am on the verge of death with this thing. My body has slowly been shutting down on me for a couple weeks now and I can't let it win. I can't let this disease take away my one and only life. Because that's all I have. One life, and I want to live it to the fullest. I am almost 23 years old. I have so much I want to do with my life. And being sick through it all or not even being alive would defeat the purpose of wanting to live it. Thank you all for reading my blogs everyday, commenting on it, making me smile, and being so very supportive. I wish all of you the best in your journeys whether it be to make it to your goal weight, or one day, recovery. Because remember ladies, we all know that our hearts are beautiful, which in turn makes us beautiful. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sorry to disappoint you all

Yesterday was a bad day with my self esteem. From the minute I woke up, before I even got on the scale, I hated myself. I'm not sure why. I thought I was fat all day. The only thing I ate yesterday was some frozen yogurt and a salad. Total was probably about 300 calories. And then my dumb ass purged after dinner. Ugh I was so frustrated with myself. I am still living with this damn migraine. I'm so over it. I am back down to 96.8lbs. I'm sorry to let you all down. I am really trying. I was having some good days, so I was bound to have a slip up. I feel like I'm letting you all down and showing that there is no way to beat this stupid disease. I hate myself. And what the worst part is, I think my oldest son is starting to notice. Yesterday when I made his lunch, he asked me why I wasn't eating lunch. Then this morning as he was eating his breakfast, he asked me if I was going to eat breakfast. Then he told me that I should eat. My 4 year old is telling me this. He even went to the cabinet and got me a box of multi grain cheerios. So I ate a cup of that with a tiny bit of almond milk. He seemed pleased. Ugh, see, I'm letting everyone down with all of this. Speaking of my oldest, last night I sat there and watched him playing outside. I have been taking more notice in him since I've become aware of his problems. He was playing outside, all the other kids were playing together, and my oldest was off by himself. He was riding his bike, or dancing around the sidewalk. He is so lonely, but he seems fine with it, for now. His first therapy/psychiatrist appointment is in a few hours. Yesterdays phone interview went decent. But she told me that once I get the papers turned in, he will be placed on a 5 month waiting list. So in the meantime, she wants me to keep journaling on him and seeing his therapist and psychiatrist. I have my therapy session tomorrow. I think I should cancel because I won't have a sitter for my oldest. God I feel huge today. I think I'm going to go do my ab workouts before I take my oldest to his appointment. I'm sorry for letting everyone down. Much love.
XOXO Katie

So many emotions

Today has been an off day with food. Not much of an appetite today. My stomach has been upset all day. I weighed in at 99lbs exact this morning :/ I'm OK with it I guess. I can notice my abs more in the mirror now, but I still see all that loose skin at the bottom of my stomach. I just wish that would go away. Anyway, I made 2 egg whites for breakfast (34cal) and munched on trail mix a tiny bit (100cal.) I also made my awesome cookies for T. I had two of them, but I make them very low calorie, only 20 a piece. I spent most of my morning on the phone with Social Security and Medicaid regarding my youngest son and these bills I have received that were supposed to be covered. I finally got all that taken care of. Then for about 4 hours, I researched and took notes on Aspergers Syndrome. Wrote down my concerns for my oldest son's therapy appointment on Thursday. Tonight was supposed to be his dad's night to take him, but when he showed up, I laid into him and got into a huge fight with him. I pretty much told him what a low life father he is, how I want full custody and that I don't want him seeing him anymore because my son needs consistency in his life, and he most definitely does not get that with him. My oldest was sad when his dad drove away without him. But I sat down and discussed with him that I love him, and T loves him, and he needs people in his life that love him and have time for him, and his dad doesn't seem to have it. I also told him that he won't be seeing him until things have been settled. I don't know if he understands completely, but I'm trying my best. I'm tired of his father letting him down, so I put my foot down and told him to fuck off, just not so blunt. T and I got to go on another walk this evening. It was fantastic. It's been so hot during the day that the evenings are breezy and they feel amazing. I feel like these last two days we are making progress, and he has been more patient with my oldest son as well. My dinner has been sitting in the microwave for about 15 minutes now. I am so just not having it today. Oh well. I will probably just leave it in there. No big deal. I feel good, minus this migraine that I still have. I have a phone interview with the child mental health department from Children's Hospital in the morning so they can get us set up with a specialist down there as well. I need to have my oldest son's problems managed before he goes to school in the fall. If that means medication, or seeing a specialist and a psychiatrist regularly, then so be it. I will do whatever it takes. So with my walk and cleaning I did today, I am negative calories. T is a little disappointed but he is happy that I'm trying. That's all that matters. I see my therapist on Friday. Oh joy. Well I hope everyone has a wonderful day/evening. Much love.
XOXO Katie

One step forward...

Today was a pretty decent day. I did go up in weight, which I'm handling better than I thought. I'm now at 97.8lbs. That's OK, right? I mean, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Gaining. Getting fatter. Nope, pushing those negative thoughts right out. I ate 2 egg whites and a bagel thin for breakfast which was a total of 144 calories. I didn't hate myself afterwards because my body has been craving bread lately. Then when my youngest went down for a nap, T and I both worked out together. He lifted and I did my cardio as usual. Afterwards, we took the boys down to the water park to meet up with my friend, R, and her two kids. It was nice. While there, I ate a 32 calorie salad which consisted of bell peppers, zucchini, and celery. It was yummy. We both planned it out before we went that we both would wear bikini tops and shorts. And that we would embrace our own bodies together despite our insecurities. It's so wonderful having her back in my life. Someone who understands what I'm going through and that I can be completely honest with. It also helps we have been friends for so long. T is worried that R will be triggering for me. And I can completely understand why. Sometimes I'm afraid of that too. But I want to show her that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and if I can reach it, she can too. Although today I did find myself comparing me to her. She is a bit taller than me, so she most definitely looks skinnier than I do. Although she is 20lbs heavier, she appears way smaller. Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me. It tends to betray me often. After the water park, we came home, T took a nap and I caught up on every one's blogs. Then went to the store to get some more bell peppers and tofu. I find myself really enjoying tofu. It gives me the feeling of eating meat, but feels much better on my stomach. Which is exactly what I ate for dinner tonight. Some tofu, stir fry veggies, then I even gave in and had a biscuit. Dinner was 300 calories. And that's OK. Around dinner time, T got 2 phone calls that stressed him to the max, so I suggested that after dinner and I cleaned dishes, we went for a walk, just the two of us. I wanted to get in some quality time with him and let him vent. Today I have been trying to be better for us. I need him. And I refuse to let ED or ANA push him out of my life. That's just unacceptable. So we had a nice walk after dark, got to talk, and get a bit closer. So I did end up in the negatives by 150 calories today, but I feel good. I felt like today was a step forward to recovery, and a step forward in bettering my relationship with T. Hope everyone has a lovely day. Much love.

She is so beyond sexy

XOXO Katie

Just giving up

My body wants to give up today. I can feel it. My stomach is tight, my head is spinning. I've been eating, but maybe it's not good enough. Maybe my body is finally done. I walked a total of 5.5 miles at Relay yesterday. Go me! I didn't eat much dinner because I snacked so much yesterday, I just wasn't hungry. I'm shaky. And depressed. I forgot to take my Prozac last night, so I took it about an hour ago and then I will take it again tonight. It's a good thing I didn't take it last night because I ended up drinking. Totally didn't plan on it. T was in the kitchen and asked if I wanted a Screwdriver. I ended up having 2 and half of his. Half way into my first one I started feeling it. I have become a light weight these days. I weighed the same this morning despite my lack of calories and tons of exercise I did yesterday. Oh well. I don't care. I haven't ate yet this morning because I have been cleaning. T said he will have a long day at work today. I feel distant from him. This saddens me. He is such an amazing man. So supportive. But I know with all these external forces (my oldest son's mental health, my youngest son's neurology issues, my recovery, plus my son's father being a complete jerk,) T feels like he is being put on the back burner. I have to fix this. He is the one person in my life that I need on a constant basis. I'm just so depressed today. And lonely. I am going to eat a sandwich for lunch. I haven't ate a sandwich in forever because of all the calories in bread alone, plus peanut butter and the jelly. OMG so many calories. Now I'm freaking myself out. Ugh. I am so over this shit. Yesterday at Relay, I had so many people say to me, "Wow, you've lost so much weight. You look good." Those were nice. But then I had a friend say to me who I haven't seen in almost a year, "You look sick. You need to get help." Well thanks. I know this. I'm just so overwhelmed with all the issues with both my boys, especially my oldest. I'm overwhelmed with trying to recover but ED and ANA not letting me for more than a couple days at a time. I'm overwhelmed because I feel like I'm going to lose T with everything going on. And I'm practicing a lot of self control for not punching my son's father in the face. Of course, that's what I got arrested for 2.5 years ago. Anyway, I'm going to go finish up some laundry and read for a bit. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Less intake-More weight

Between all the exercise I did yesterday and the food I ate, I ended up negative calories. But I gained back those 2lbs that I lost. I give up. Throw my hands up in the air and just give up. I'm at 96.4lbs. It doesn't bother me, but ED and ANA on the other hand, they have been riding my ass all day. I have changed my outfit several times. Everything looks horrible on me. It's hot today and I want to wear shorts, but my legs look disgusting. Every shirt I put on hugs my love handles or makes my stomach protrude. I ate cereal with almond milk for breakfast, and exercised it off. I have snacked a little bit on trail mix, but I'm upset about it. Today is most definitely one of my bad days. One of those days where I feel like giving into ED and not eating for the rest of the day. But I can't. No. I have to eat. I have to gain. I have to plump up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Today is Relay for Life. A walk to help raise money for the American Cancer Society. I do it every year for a few hours. I'm looking forward to that because I will get quite a bit of walking done there. And I will spend some money to raise some money. Maybe I should put jeans on before I go, so I don't have to scare everyone with my legs. See, like I said, been riding my ass all day. It's horrible. I'm 96lbs. I shouldn't hate myself and think I'm fat the way I do. T tells me this morning, "You are seeing things that are not there. Simple as that." So I'm crazy. Fantastic. My question is, why doesn't anyone see what I see? The fat that piles over my jeans? My triple chin I have going on? The fact that my legs are fat and jiggly? Maybe I am the crazy one. Sigh. Last night, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital again. My chest felt tight, I was feeling dizzy, and that pain in my right side had come back. But my oldest son's dad was ignoring me, so I had no one to watch him, so I stayed home, took some medicine, and went to bed. My body hates me for all I've been putting it through. And now it's taken it's revenge on me and making me miserable. I don't have the fight in me today. I have been doing so well with my good days, then today comes along, and it's all out the window. It sucks. I ate tofu for my first time last night for dinner. It was amazing. It's low calorie, and it's way cheap. So I have found my new favorite thing to eat. T just left for work. He got called in and they told him to be there at 2pm. So it's going to be a long night. Well maybe after the boys go to bed tonight, I will read or do something. Anyway, I'm sorry for this being so whiny today. Much love.

XOXO Katie