My body wants to give up today. I can feel it. My stomach is tight, my head is spinning. I've been eating, but maybe it's not good enough. Maybe my body is finally done. I walked a total of 5.5 miles at Relay yesterday. Go me! I didn't eat much dinner because I snacked so much yesterday, I just wasn't hungry. I'm shaky. And depressed. I forgot to take my Prozac last night, so I took it about an hour ago and then I will take it again tonight. It's a good thing I didn't take it last night because I ended up drinking. Totally didn't plan on it. T was in the kitchen and asked if I wanted a Screwdriver. I ended up having 2 and half of his. Half way into my first one I started feeling it. I have become a light weight these days. I weighed the same this morning despite my lack of calories and tons of exercise I did yesterday. Oh well. I don't care. I haven't ate yet this morning because I have been cleaning. T said he will have a long day at work today. I feel distant from him. This saddens me. He is such an amazing man. So supportive. But I know with all these external forces (my oldest son's mental health, my youngest son's neurology issues, my recovery, plus my son's father being a complete jerk,) T feels like he is being put on the back burner. I have to fix this. He is the one person in my life that I need on a constant basis. I'm just so depressed today. And lonely. I am going to eat a sandwich for lunch. I haven't ate a sandwich in forever because of all the calories in bread alone, plus peanut butter and the jelly. OMG so many calories. Now I'm freaking myself out. Ugh. I am so over this shit. Yesterday at Relay, I had so many people say to me, "Wow, you've lost so much weight. You look good." Those were nice. But then I had a friend say to me who I haven't seen in almost a year, "You look sick. You need to get help." Well thanks. I know this. I'm just so overwhelmed with all the issues with both my boys, especially my oldest. I'm overwhelmed with trying to recover but ED and ANA not letting me for more than a couple days at a time. I'm overwhelmed because I feel like I'm going to lose T with everything going on. And I'm practicing a lot of self control for not punching my son's father in the face. Of course, that's what I got arrested for 2.5 years ago. Anyway, I'm going to go finish up some laundry and read for a bit. Much love.
XOXO Katie
Darling, maybe you should talk to T and tell him how much you appreciate him, or do something sweet for him one day - sometimes its the little things.. he does sound like an amazing man, being so supportive and unfaltering thoughout everything - if only some friends could be so supportive! Much love xx
ReplyDeleteI felt like that some of yesterday. I felt lonely. I hate feeling like that.
ReplyDeleteT sounds amazing by the way. I like him and he sounds good for you. I hope he will stay with you and the boys. Stay strong for you and for them. Everything is going to be okay but he may have to fight for it and not let the little or big things get him down. He is doing great from what I hear right now.
Wow that one friend who said you look sick I mean I hope she didn't just blurt it out because if she did that was rude. I wouldn't even had taken her seriously.
Have a great day tomorrow. A happy day I hope.
Saying the same thing, tell how you feel and what's going on in your head. One thing that drives us to go on is the inability to express our feelings in a healthy way that other people do. Everyone created these horror scenarios about how other people will react but the difference between sick and healthy is how these thoughts make us react. Normal people talk, we might give a hint but never say it all.
ReplyDeleteLove you!!
<3
A sandwich is really scary to me too. But once I started seeing someone, I've been able to eat them from time to time. Have half of it and see how you feel? If you're feeling okay with it, have the second half. If not, save it for later. It's alright to feel the way you're feeling, but you are strong and you can do it.
ReplyDelete<3
Wish you much strenght! Today I had sandwich too and it makes me suprised how everyday meal of most of people can be frightening for someone who thinks about calories, I used to eat many slices of bread but now it happens very rarely when I have some.
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like an amazing person, don't let that get away from you. Let him help you will all the extrernal forces going on. Maybe he can punch your ex in the face?:) Ha jk. Stay strong hun! You will get though this take it one day at a time. <3
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having a hard time at the moment :/ I hope things calm down and you feel better soon! T sounds lovely and I'm sure he understands that you are feeling stretched with everything going on. Maybe you could take an evening just to spend quality time together? I hope everything turns out ok with you and your boys :)
ReplyDeleteLottie x