I have missed everyone

I have now started a recovery blog. It's as much recovery related I can make it. But that is my new blog and where I will update. I have missed all of you lovely ladies. Here is a link to my new blog. Please go follow it =)  http://stealingmyselfbackfromana.blogspot.com/

100th and final post

Well this marks my 100th post. And I have 72 lovely followers who have been nothing but supportive for all of my weight loss and now for my weight gain. I am so very thankful for every single one of you. You have made me smile on my bad days. But I am sad to announce that this will be my final post. Last night T and I got into a huge argument/discussion and it became clear to me. If I need to get better, than I must eliminate all of the things in my life that are revolved around my eating disorder. I have deleted MyFitnessPal, I deleted all of my "progress" pictures on my phone, and now to go about my life. This blog has been my biggest source of inspiration for when I was losing weight, and one of my biggest support systems in getting better. I have loved forming a friendship with most of you that read this. And this isn't an ending to a friendship, but rather a beginning to my life without my eating disorder. I have a very long and rough road ahead, but I am bound and determined to do it. I have my boys who need me as their mother, and I can't very well be their mother if I'm dead because of this disease. I have my boyfriend who loves me with every fiber of his being despite the hell I've put him through, and I need to show to him that he is worth fighting for. That my life is worth fighting for. My eating disorder has been a part of my life for almost 12 years, but within this past year, it has become my life. And I can't do it anymore. I can't fight the constant battle of living with this thing. I have to walk away from this chapter in my life and start anew. I hope to one day be able to help girls like me/us that struggle with self body image and keep them from traveling this same dangerous path. I am 96lbs. I am on the verge of death with this thing. My body has slowly been shutting down on me for a couple weeks now and I can't let it win. I can't let this disease take away my one and only life. Because that's all I have. One life, and I want to live it to the fullest. I am almost 23 years old. I have so much I want to do with my life. And being sick through it all or not even being alive would defeat the purpose of wanting to live it. Thank you all for reading my blogs everyday, commenting on it, making me smile, and being so very supportive. I wish all of you the best in your journeys whether it be to make it to your goal weight, or one day, recovery. Because remember ladies, we all know that our hearts are beautiful, which in turn makes us beautiful. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Sorry to disappoint you all

Yesterday was a bad day with my self esteem. From the minute I woke up, before I even got on the scale, I hated myself. I'm not sure why. I thought I was fat all day. The only thing I ate yesterday was some frozen yogurt and a salad. Total was probably about 300 calories. And then my dumb ass purged after dinner. Ugh I was so frustrated with myself. I am still living with this damn migraine. I'm so over it. I am back down to 96.8lbs. I'm sorry to let you all down. I am really trying. I was having some good days, so I was bound to have a slip up. I feel like I'm letting you all down and showing that there is no way to beat this stupid disease. I hate myself. And what the worst part is, I think my oldest son is starting to notice. Yesterday when I made his lunch, he asked me why I wasn't eating lunch. Then this morning as he was eating his breakfast, he asked me if I was going to eat breakfast. Then he told me that I should eat. My 4 year old is telling me this. He even went to the cabinet and got me a box of multi grain cheerios. So I ate a cup of that with a tiny bit of almond milk. He seemed pleased. Ugh, see, I'm letting everyone down with all of this. Speaking of my oldest, last night I sat there and watched him playing outside. I have been taking more notice in him since I've become aware of his problems. He was playing outside, all the other kids were playing together, and my oldest was off by himself. He was riding his bike, or dancing around the sidewalk. He is so lonely, but he seems fine with it, for now. His first therapy/psychiatrist appointment is in a few hours. Yesterdays phone interview went decent. But she told me that once I get the papers turned in, he will be placed on a 5 month waiting list. So in the meantime, she wants me to keep journaling on him and seeing his therapist and psychiatrist. I have my therapy session tomorrow. I think I should cancel because I won't have a sitter for my oldest. God I feel huge today. I think I'm going to go do my ab workouts before I take my oldest to his appointment. I'm sorry for letting everyone down. Much love.
XOXO Katie

So many emotions

Today has been an off day with food. Not much of an appetite today. My stomach has been upset all day. I weighed in at 99lbs exact this morning :/ I'm OK with it I guess. I can notice my abs more in the mirror now, but I still see all that loose skin at the bottom of my stomach. I just wish that would go away. Anyway, I made 2 egg whites for breakfast (34cal) and munched on trail mix a tiny bit (100cal.) I also made my awesome cookies for T. I had two of them, but I make them very low calorie, only 20 a piece. I spent most of my morning on the phone with Social Security and Medicaid regarding my youngest son and these bills I have received that were supposed to be covered. I finally got all that taken care of. Then for about 4 hours, I researched and took notes on Aspergers Syndrome. Wrote down my concerns for my oldest son's therapy appointment on Thursday. Tonight was supposed to be his dad's night to take him, but when he showed up, I laid into him and got into a huge fight with him. I pretty much told him what a low life father he is, how I want full custody and that I don't want him seeing him anymore because my son needs consistency in his life, and he most definitely does not get that with him. My oldest was sad when his dad drove away without him. But I sat down and discussed with him that I love him, and T loves him, and he needs people in his life that love him and have time for him, and his dad doesn't seem to have it. I also told him that he won't be seeing him until things have been settled. I don't know if he understands completely, but I'm trying my best. I'm tired of his father letting him down, so I put my foot down and told him to fuck off, just not so blunt. T and I got to go on another walk this evening. It was fantastic. It's been so hot during the day that the evenings are breezy and they feel amazing. I feel like these last two days we are making progress, and he has been more patient with my oldest son as well. My dinner has been sitting in the microwave for about 15 minutes now. I am so just not having it today. Oh well. I will probably just leave it in there. No big deal. I feel good, minus this migraine that I still have. I have a phone interview with the child mental health department from Children's Hospital in the morning so they can get us set up with a specialist down there as well. I need to have my oldest son's problems managed before he goes to school in the fall. If that means medication, or seeing a specialist and a psychiatrist regularly, then so be it. I will do whatever it takes. So with my walk and cleaning I did today, I am negative calories. T is a little disappointed but he is happy that I'm trying. That's all that matters. I see my therapist on Friday. Oh joy. Well I hope everyone has a wonderful day/evening. Much love.
XOXO Katie

One step forward...

Today was a pretty decent day. I did go up in weight, which I'm handling better than I thought. I'm now at 97.8lbs. That's OK, right? I mean, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Gaining. Getting fatter. Nope, pushing those negative thoughts right out. I ate 2 egg whites and a bagel thin for breakfast which was a total of 144 calories. I didn't hate myself afterwards because my body has been craving bread lately. Then when my youngest went down for a nap, T and I both worked out together. He lifted and I did my cardio as usual. Afterwards, we took the boys down to the water park to meet up with my friend, R, and her two kids. It was nice. While there, I ate a 32 calorie salad which consisted of bell peppers, zucchini, and celery. It was yummy. We both planned it out before we went that we both would wear bikini tops and shorts. And that we would embrace our own bodies together despite our insecurities. It's so wonderful having her back in my life. Someone who understands what I'm going through and that I can be completely honest with. It also helps we have been friends for so long. T is worried that R will be triggering for me. And I can completely understand why. Sometimes I'm afraid of that too. But I want to show her that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and if I can reach it, she can too. Although today I did find myself comparing me to her. She is a bit taller than me, so she most definitely looks skinnier than I do. Although she is 20lbs heavier, she appears way smaller. Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me. It tends to betray me often. After the water park, we came home, T took a nap and I caught up on every one's blogs. Then went to the store to get some more bell peppers and tofu. I find myself really enjoying tofu. It gives me the feeling of eating meat, but feels much better on my stomach. Which is exactly what I ate for dinner tonight. Some tofu, stir fry veggies, then I even gave in and had a biscuit. Dinner was 300 calories. And that's OK. Around dinner time, T got 2 phone calls that stressed him to the max, so I suggested that after dinner and I cleaned dishes, we went for a walk, just the two of us. I wanted to get in some quality time with him and let him vent. Today I have been trying to be better for us. I need him. And I refuse to let ED or ANA push him out of my life. That's just unacceptable. So we had a nice walk after dark, got to talk, and get a bit closer. So I did end up in the negatives by 150 calories today, but I feel good. I felt like today was a step forward to recovery, and a step forward in bettering my relationship with T. Hope everyone has a lovely day. Much love.

She is so beyond sexy

XOXO Katie

Just giving up

My body wants to give up today. I can feel it. My stomach is tight, my head is spinning. I've been eating, but maybe it's not good enough. Maybe my body is finally done. I walked a total of 5.5 miles at Relay yesterday. Go me! I didn't eat much dinner because I snacked so much yesterday, I just wasn't hungry. I'm shaky. And depressed. I forgot to take my Prozac last night, so I took it about an hour ago and then I will take it again tonight. It's a good thing I didn't take it last night because I ended up drinking. Totally didn't plan on it. T was in the kitchen and asked if I wanted a Screwdriver. I ended up having 2 and half of his. Half way into my first one I started feeling it. I have become a light weight these days. I weighed the same this morning despite my lack of calories and tons of exercise I did yesterday. Oh well. I don't care. I haven't ate yet this morning because I have been cleaning. T said he will have a long day at work today. I feel distant from him. This saddens me. He is such an amazing man. So supportive. But I know with all these external forces (my oldest son's mental health, my youngest son's neurology issues, my recovery, plus my son's father being a complete jerk,) T feels like he is being put on the back burner. I have to fix this. He is the one person in my life that I need on a constant basis. I'm just so depressed today. And lonely. I am going to eat a sandwich for lunch. I haven't ate a sandwich in forever because of all the calories in bread alone, plus peanut butter and the jelly. OMG so many calories. Now I'm freaking myself out. Ugh. I am so over this shit. Yesterday at Relay, I had so many people say to me, "Wow, you've lost so much weight. You look good." Those were nice. But then I had a friend say to me who I haven't seen in almost a year, "You look sick. You need to get help." Well thanks. I know this. I'm just so overwhelmed with all the issues with both my boys, especially my oldest. I'm overwhelmed with trying to recover but ED and ANA not letting me for more than a couple days at a time. I'm overwhelmed because I feel like I'm going to lose T with everything going on. And I'm practicing a lot of self control for not punching my son's father in the face. Of course, that's what I got arrested for 2.5 years ago. Anyway, I'm going to go finish up some laundry and read for a bit. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Less intake-More weight

Between all the exercise I did yesterday and the food I ate, I ended up negative calories. But I gained back those 2lbs that I lost. I give up. Throw my hands up in the air and just give up. I'm at 96.4lbs. It doesn't bother me, but ED and ANA on the other hand, they have been riding my ass all day. I have changed my outfit several times. Everything looks horrible on me. It's hot today and I want to wear shorts, but my legs look disgusting. Every shirt I put on hugs my love handles or makes my stomach protrude. I ate cereal with almond milk for breakfast, and exercised it off. I have snacked a little bit on trail mix, but I'm upset about it. Today is most definitely one of my bad days. One of those days where I feel like giving into ED and not eating for the rest of the day. But I can't. No. I have to eat. I have to gain. I have to plump up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Today is Relay for Life. A walk to help raise money for the American Cancer Society. I do it every year for a few hours. I'm looking forward to that because I will get quite a bit of walking done there. And I will spend some money to raise some money. Maybe I should put jeans on before I go, so I don't have to scare everyone with my legs. See, like I said, been riding my ass all day. It's horrible. I'm 96lbs. I shouldn't hate myself and think I'm fat the way I do. T tells me this morning, "You are seeing things that are not there. Simple as that." So I'm crazy. Fantastic. My question is, why doesn't anyone see what I see? The fat that piles over my jeans? My triple chin I have going on? The fact that my legs are fat and jiggly? Maybe I am the crazy one. Sigh. Last night, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital again. My chest felt tight, I was feeling dizzy, and that pain in my right side had come back. But my oldest son's dad was ignoring me, so I had no one to watch him, so I stayed home, took some medicine, and went to bed. My body hates me for all I've been putting it through. And now it's taken it's revenge on me and making me miserable. I don't have the fight in me today. I have been doing so well with my good days, then today comes along, and it's all out the window. It sucks. I ate tofu for my first time last night for dinner. It was amazing. It's low calorie, and it's way cheap. So I have found my new favorite thing to eat. T just left for work. He got called in and they told him to be there at 2pm. So it's going to be a long night. Well maybe after the boys go to bed tonight, I will read or do something. Anyway, I'm sorry for this being so whiny today. Much love.

XOXO Katie

How does this even happen? Hmm

I don't understand my body at all. Yesterday I had a total of about 900 calories. Like holy cow! Literally. I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. I even had a small second helping at dinner. I did have to take laxies yesterday, but they didn't help me very much. I see my therapist today, and she isn't going to be happy with me. I don't get it. 900 freaking calories. With no exercise. I didn't go running because I did so much researching and crying last night. I'm trying not to jump the gun with this situation with my son, but I need answers. I felt so bloated and disgusted with myself after dinner last night, but I thought to myself, "well I will gain, and that's what needs to happen, right?" Nope. I got on the scale this morning before my shower and I am down 2lbs. I'm back down to 94.8lbs. WTF? How does this even make any sense. I ate like a freaking pig yesterday. Consumed way more calories than I ever have without purging, and here I am down 2lbs. I'm not going to let it ruin my mood though for the day. It's beautiful here. I plan on taking my oldest to the water park today since It's supposed to be super hot. My therapy is at noon. I should probably have something small for breakfast before I go. A part of me wishes I could just cancel it and wait to see her til I gain some weight. But they charge 25 dollars if you cancel that same day. So I will put my big girl panties on and suck it up and go. I have been freaking craving chocolate like a mad woman. I want a huge cupcake coated in chocolate icing. I know that I would never eat it, but I would give it a taste lol. I might do some retail therapy as well today. I need it. On a final note, I finally got a hold of my son's dad last night, demanding he come to my house and speak to me after ignoring me for 3 days, and he just blew me off saying that he didn't have the time and he was too busy. What a jerk. I am seriously thinking about taking his rights from him and giving T a chance to be a father to him. My son needs a reliable dad in his life. He isn't getting that from his sperm donor right now. Alright, enough bitching. So here I am on a beautiful Friday and I'm going to make the most of it. Have a wonderful day everyone. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Curl up and hide

Yep, that's pretty much what I want to do. I took my oldest to the doctor today to have him evaluated for what I believe is Aspergers. This morning, I wrote down a long list of concerns that I have regarding him. Ones that I didn't think tied into his already diagnosed ADHD. So when I got to the doctors office, I hand the doctor my findings, and he hands me questioners to fill out. After I hand them back to him, and a very long ten minutes later he says to me, "Well Katie, not only do I believe he has Aspergers, I also believe he is Bipolar, and has Conduct Disorder." After explaining to me what Conduct Disorder was, seeing that is the only one I haven't heard of, I broke down and started crying. Here is a link that explains what it is. So here I was thinking that my son just had a form or Autism, but in reality, he is as screwed up in the head as I am. Maybe my mental illnesses of depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive behaviors is genetic and I messed him up. The doctor kept reassuring me that this is a nature thing, not nurture, and that I have done a perfect job at raising him all by myself. The doctor wrote me up a referral for a child psychiatrist because he believes he's way beyond a councilor. But of course, this is me just being me, but I can't help but wonder, where did I go wrong? Some of these things point to abuse, which scares me what goes on when he's at his dads. I've been trying to contact his dad for 3 days now with no such luck. What an asshole. So I took my oldest to the library and I checked out several books on Aspergers and Bipolar. There were none on Conduct Disorder, so I will do that research online. I have been crying on and off all day. This isn't fair to him. He is such a bright child. But does have a lot of issues. I'm just glad we discovered them now instead of later in life. On another note, I have had around 300 calories today. And I still haven't ate dinner. So I'm doing pretty well if I do say so myself. While at the library, I checked out some fiction books on eating disorders as well. I don't know which one I will read first seeing as researching stuff for my son comes first, but we will see. I also started writing my book yesterday. I got the prologue done. Yay. I am still at 96.4lbs. That's fine by me. I will see my therapist tomorrow, so we will see if I go up by then. Probably not. I do plan on going running tonight. I need some alone time without everyone surrounding me so I can think and get my head on straight. God has put too much on my plate, and now I have to figure out how to make it all work out at once. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Migraine and 2oz loss

Yesterday went alright with my youngest's testing. He didn't sleep like he was supposed to, but she said that he was calm and mellow enough that they should be able to get a decent reading. He only slept for a total of 20 minutes all day yesterday. I was so exhausted by the time we got home. I have had a migraine for 3 days now. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Chronic Migraines. The only thing they ever give me for it is Vicoden and I don't like Vicoden because it makes me sick to my stomach. It hurts to just keep my eyes open. Being outside killed my head yesterday. I did my coffee fast yesterday. Had 4 cups of coffee throughout the day, along with tons of water. But then I ate a little dinner last night. I had a half a cup of coup (35cal) and a salad (15cal.) I was still hungry afterwards, but resisted binging like I wanted to. I was way in the negatives yesterday with all the cleaning and running around I did. T and I watched Girl Interrupted last night. I forgot how much I love that movie. So it's past 9am and I haven't had coffee or any food. I'm thinking about making some egg whites because I know that I need to eat seeing as I am shaky and exhausted. I don't know if eating gives me energy like it does with other people, because honestly, I am always tired, whether I eat or not. Here in a few hours I am going to take my youngest to his dads, then thinking of taking my oldest to the water park again. He loves it there and it's free. Although I might go to Walmart beforehand and buy some tanning lotion. I need to get tan again. It makes me feel skinnier and better about myself when I'm not so pale. So last night T put a picture that he took of me when we first got together as his wallpaper on his phone. I was about 40lbs heavier then. He told me he loved me like that because I put the weight on in the appropriate places. He says I was well proportioned. And in all honestly, I was more happy back then. I always smiled. Now a days, I'm always down on myself, never smiling and always talking down on myself. I told him and my doctor that the most I want to weigh is 115. That's almost 20lbs for me. My doctor wants me to be around 135. Ugh. I don't want to be that again. I hated myself then. I'm making spaghetti for dinner tonight. I don't plan on having a whole lot, but I do plan on eating normally today. Some days my ed wins, other days I am louder than it. Today I plan on beating it and not listening to it. We will see how that plays out. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Optimistic?

Yesterday was a day full of snacking and binging. I haven't binged in so long. I consumed 550 calories in one sitting. Ugh I felt so disgusting that I did something that I regret doing. But we won't discuss that. Then Memorial Day dinner last night consisted of a plain turkey burger (140) and a salad (15.) After I ate, I went to go clean out the bathtub so I could give my youngest a bath and MIA became really loud and mean while I was in the bathroom. I gave in. Fuck. Three times yesterday. I don't have the heart to tell T because he would be so sad. But despite all the calories I ate yesterday, I was in a wonderful mood. Taking the boys to the water park and being out in the sunshine felt amazing. Summer will be different this year. I will be skinny, I will be happy, and my boys will be happy. I want to make the most out of this summer. I went for a run last night. It felt amazing. I did two miles. It was liberating. Then came home, did my crunches, sit ups and my leg lifts. I want abs. I want to have a toned, sexy stomach. I think I put too much food in my stomach yesterday because it's quite upset this morning. Last night before bed, I told T that I wanted today to be a coffee day because I consumed so much yesterday and with keeping my youngest up half the night last night so he will be exhausted for his test that isn't until 2pm, I need the energy. I've only had one cup at home. When I go to take him for his test, I will stop and get one at the gas station. Maybe another when I get to Denver. I have spent all morning cleaning. I picked up and organized our bedroom, folded 4 loads of laundry, another load in the dryer, did the dishes, and now I'm about to vacuum. I've already burned over 100 calories in cleaning alone. It feels amazing. The only downfall to this day is I am so tired today. I did gain another pound. I'm at 96.6 this morning. That's OK. I didn't cry when I saw that number. This is what needs to happen so I don't go inpatient. I know this. The pain on my right side is still very much there. But I'm learning to deal with it. It's hard to pick up my youngest. He's a chunk though lol. My best friend, R, who struggles with an ED as well, she and I have become so close again. But she told me yesterday that she isn't ready for recovery. I don't know how to deal with that except to support her. She will get there one day. It took me a long time to get to this point. And some days, I'm still not there; like yesterday. But I will beat this. See, optimistic =) Welcome to all my new followers in the last few days. I'm glad some people find my writing worth reading. Maybe one day when I decide to write my own book, you all will be like, "Hey, I used to follower her blog back when she was a sad, sick girl." Anyway, going to vacuum, and take my little one outside to play. I need to make him exhausted. Have a wonderful day everyone. Much love.

XOXO Katie

95.6 and McDonald's

I went up a pound. This is OK I keep telling myself. Even though I am having a fat day. I'm wearing jeans and a baggy shirt. I feel disgusting. I didn't eat all day yesterday until dinner last night. T told me that he was taking me to go get something to eat. Of course it was McDonald's. His reasoning? Because it's fattening and packed full of calories. I knew, I just fucking knew that it was a bad idea. I got a grilled chicken sandwich and ate just the chicken, with no bun or sauce or anything. That was 150 ugly calories. Then a third of my fries. And then half of a McDouble. Once I started, I couldn't freaking stop. And then I didn't work out last night. The most I did was crunches and sit ups. I felt like a fat failure. But that's the stupid voices talking. I need to beat these voices out of my head. I woke up this morning and T told me I need to eat today. So I ate 1 cup of multi grain cheerios (110cal) and 1/4 cup of almond milk (10cal.) 120 calories already and it's only 10:45am. And my coffee. I want to take the boys to the water park that opened today. It's about a 3 mile walk if we decided to walk there. I really want to walk there. Take a lunch for the boys and enjoy the beautiful weather. I don't think T wants to walk because it would burn the 120 calories I ate plus more. But walking is healthy for all of us. My youngest has his EEG tomorrow at Children's Hospital. I'm pretty nervous. I also believe my oldest has Aspergers. I have been doing a lot of research on the disease. He fits it pretty well. And since I have been doing my research and have a better understanding on his possible disorder, it's easier for me to handle him and talk to him. W have been getting along pretty well. T has been pretty strict on getting me to eat and watching how much I exercise. I know he is doing it because he loves me. It is exhausting but comforting knowing someone cares so much for me. Yesterdays graduation party was alright. I managed to stay completely away from all the food and left before the cake was even served. My youngest needed a nap so I used that as an excuse to get out of there. I was proud of myself for resisting. I need to work out today. I have gone 3 days without doing so. I am determined. I'm going outside and enjoying this beautiful weather. Everyone have a wonderful day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Another pound down and ER visit

I ended up in the ER last night. I have been having this recurring pain in my right rib cage. After an xray and talking to the doctor, she ruled it as a chest strain? Like a pulled muscle or something. She didn't seem at all concerned about my weight. Which makes me wonder just how well they pay attention to their patients. I'm not sure if this visit is at all related to my eating disorder, but the doctor most definitely didn't seem to think so. I didn't eat anything yesterday. I tried eating soup after I got home late last night from the hospital, but with the Vicoden they gave me, I couldn't do it. It tasted nasty. My stomach was angry at me for not feeding it, but I just couldn't eat. Woke up this morning still in a great amount of pain. Stripped down to take a shower. I just stared at myself in the mirror. I am so disgusting. I have no boobs anymore. My eyes are so dark. I hate myself just as much, if not more, than I did almost 50lbs ago. I hate the way I look. I hate what I'm putting everyone through. I need to beat this shit because it's killing every aspect of my life. But guess what, ANA is winning this fight today. Or is it MIA? Probably both. I ate egg whites and a kiwi, and I'm fighting this urge to purge. Why does this have to be so difficult? I am going to a graduation party this afternoon, and there's going to be food there. A lot of food. Everyone there knows about my problem. People watch me. I weighed in at 94.4lbs this morning. This shit needs to stop. I have no boobs. You can count each on of my ribs. You can see my pelvis and my hip bones are very noticable. My arms are just skin on top of bone. But guess what? I still think my stomach and legs are disgusting and fat. I can't win. I can't do this. Today I feel defeated. And it's only 11:30am. My car is still stuck at the hospital. I'm relying on my dad for a ride to go get it. I don't know why I rely on him for anything. I called him 2 hours ago and he told me he would call me right back. I feel like I have no fight in me today. I can't pick my youngest up because of this pain on my right side. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and tell him about my pain. I ate an Oreo. Fat, fat, fat!!! UGH! I am throwing in the towel today.

XOXO

A day full of emotions

Perfect thighs

Yesterday I didn't feel too well. I ate what I could. I spent most of the day in the restroom. I drank a huge amount of coffee, water and Gatorade. I was so sure I was going to be above 100lbs when I woke up this morning. I didn't get to work out at all yesterday. I was pretty upset about that. I have this overwhelming urge to exercise everyday. Best believe I will today after my youngest takes a nap. So before I announce what the numbers read on the scale this morning, I wanna talk about the book I was reading. In case some of you missed it, it's called "Purged; Rehab diaries." Alright, amazing book. Hands down one of the best books I have read about ED's. It talks about her personal experience in an ED clinic. She included her actual journal entries, her documents from her therapists and the meal plans she was provided with while there. She talks about how there is no cure to an eating disorder, and one will always have that urge long after you have "recovered." She said 50 percent of bulimics relapse within 6 months of treatment, and the percentage for anorexics is even higher. She was diagnosed with EDNOS. The more and more I think about it, maybe that is me. I have tendencies of both. Anyway, I do recommend it. Not very triggering at all in my opinion. I finished it in about 6 hours. This medication is still making me sleepy. I just want to take a nap. It's 2pm and I still haven't ate. My stomach is still a bit upset. I ate chicken noodle soup for dinner last night. Pretty late too. So that's why I was so sure I was going to gain. So after laying in bed just talking with T for an hour this morning before he had to go to work, I went to go do my morning ritual. Started the shower, stripped down and stepped on. I told T not to look, but he peaked anyway. I had to step on the damn thing 4 times to make sure it was right. T was not upset at all seeing as I am eating and I wasn't feeling well yesterday. So it read 95.2lbs! That is the lowest I have ever been. So all kinds of emotions came from this number. I was shocked seeing as I have been eating like a fat cow these last few days to put weight on. I was scared because I thought T would be upset, but he wasn't. And then I was happy. Happy to see that if I want to, I can lose the weight again easily if I believe I'm getting too fat too soon. I will eat a normal dinner tonight. And I'm OK with that. But I do plan on exercising today as well. Another weird thing has happened. I have heard about it happening before, but never thought it would to me. This might be a little TMI, but my monthly visitor is very, very late. I took a test a couple days ago at the doctor. It came back negative. I have lost it due to lack of body fat. This scares me a bit seeing as T wants to have another child sometime in the future. But maybe as I get fatter again, it will come back. Who knows. Alright, I'm off to finish cleaning. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Yesterday was good~Today is horrible

I spent the whole day with my mom yesterday. I didn't worry about what I ate (ok that's a lie) but I didn't dwell on it. We shopped off everything we ate anyway. Retail therapy will do wonders. I felt good yesterday. Refreshed. Thinking that recovery is possible. I worked out last night, but not that much because my stomach was killing me (probably too much food for one day.) By the end of the night, I was 250cal positive. T was happy with it. He has been watching me so much lately. Woke up this morning in an off mood. I thought maybe it was the weather, or the nightmares I was having last night. Stripped down, got on the scale and that horrid thing read 99lbs exact. 1 and half pounds in a day?!?! Two and a half pounds in 2 days?!?! WTF? This is happening too fast. I can't gain weight this fast. It scares me. It took so much work and so long to get down to 96lbs and now it's like it was all for nothing. I understand that I need to get better, but not like this. If I keep going at this rate, I will be back up to 140 in a month! This gaining weight shit needs to slow down. I had a million and one errands and appointments today, and despite me feeling like crap today, I have been going all day. I have been throwing up. I feel like maybe I'm coming down with the 24 hour flu or something. I've been drinking a lot of coffee today because I have been so tired. I don't know how I feel about recovery today. Yesterday it was possible, today it seems like something out of the question. I wonder if it's going to varry like this from day to day. That's ok. Yesterday was a start. Who knows about tomorrow. I'm doing what needs to be done to keep me from going inpatient, that's what matters. I know this doesn't sound like the right outlook on things today, but like I said, I'm off today. I bought a new book today called "Purge; Rehab diaries." I read a bit of it while at Barnes And Nobel. I'm pretty excited to read it. I don't know if I'm going to eat dinner tonight. I don't feel good. I just want to curl up with my book under a blankie and drink tea. That sounds amazing. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Making changes (kinda)

I'm sorry it's been a few days. I saw my therapist on Tuesday. It wasn't a good session. She was extremely upset with the fact I had lost 4lbs since seeing her last. Most of our conversation revolved at where she was going to send me inpatient due to the fact she doesn't believe I want to get better. Only 4 facilities in the US accept my insurance, so it would be out of state. I wouldn't see the boys. I wouldn't see T or my family. In all honestly, I felt upset and pissed at her. I know she is trying to help, but damn it. So that night we went to Golden Coral for dinner. I had 3 anxiety attacks that day before we even made it there, and a couple afterwards. I managed to eat almost 200 calories but I was still negative due to the fact I worked out all day planning for that night. But I ate. And I didn't purge, and I didn't work out after the fact. Yesterday was a very active day. I was already 200 negative calories before noon. I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon. He wants to keep me on the 40mg of the Prozac for a little while longer. But then the whole conversation turned on me. After him talking to my therapist and T, he told me in a very blunt voice, "Katie, either you gain weight or your only option will be to go inpatient. You can't take care of your kids in the state that you are currently in, how do you expect to if you lose anymore weight?" Thank you captain obvious. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm seeing a therapist. That's why I'm attempting to eat more. I know all these obsessive compulsive behaviors need to stop. I get this! So needless to say, I left in tears. Last night T's dad took us to Chilli's for dinner. Instead of ordering something healthy, I ordered something fattening and chalked full of calories. I ate 2 chicken crisper's, some of my salad, and chips and salsa. 600 calories. T told me that if I could eat a good amount of calories at dinner then he gave me permission to workout for a bit last night. But after my workout, I ended up negative calories again. We got into a fight. I told him that I bet I had gained regardless of how negative I was. When you have a problem like me, you can tell when you gain weight. You can feel the fat bubbling around your tummy and your thighs. And despite my workout, I felt that. I knew in my mind that I had gained. We went to bed upset at each other. One thing I hate doing. I got on the scale this morning, and guess what?!?! I gained. 1 whole pound. I am now 97.8lbs. I didn't cry. I didn't completely freak out. My heart rate accelerated, but I talked myself out of it. This is what needs to happen so I don't go inpatient and so I don't die. I just need time. All of this isn't going to happen over night. Everyone wants me at 115lbs. I don't know how I feel about that just yet, but we will see. Again, sorry for it being so long in between posts. Much love.
XOXO Katie

ANA wants everyone gone

I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I am going to lose everyone and everything in my life because ANA wants to stick around. Last night I got in an argument with a friend, which put me in a depression. I cried on the floor for 45 minutes. I looked T in the eyes and asked him to help me. He doesn't know how, I don't know how. I want to be healthy but not gain weight. Unfortunately I can't have both. I told T this morning that if we went out to breakfast that I would eat. We went to Village Inn. I ordered 2 scrambled egg whites, 2 multi grain pancakes, 1 sausage patty, and applesause. Well the applesauce was for my youngest, then I gave him 1 pancake, 1 of the eggs, and the sausage patty. I ate 1 egg white(17cal) and a multi grain pancake (50cal.) Total=67 ugly calories. We went shopping afterwards. I walked and walked. Burned of breakfast, took me negative. Came home, burned some more calories (wink wink) and then I wanted to go for a walk. It was so hot. But I wanted to get the boys out of the house. Well by now I was far into the negatives. We went for an hour walk and I burned 219 more calories. I can't stop this madness. After we got home, I ate jelly beans. Had a freak out and did 200 crunches and sit ups. T is upset with me. I'm going to lose him if I don't get better. I cooked one of those Healthy Choice meals which are 230 calories. I only ate the veggies in it (23cal.) So here I am past 9pm and I am -326 calories. Why doesn't ANA want me to be in the positive numbers? I don't understand why it would be so bad if I gained some weight. I see my therapist tomorrow. She is going to freak out on me because as of right now, I've lost 4lbs since I saw her last week. I saw my friend, R, tonight. I miss her so much. It's so nice having a friend around me that has the same problems as I do. At first I was worried that we would fall back into our old habbits and I would feel like I'm comparing myself to her all the time. Right now, we are both sick of this. I want her to get better for her boys as well. I should eat something. Why am I so afraid of eating? It's a normal part of the human race. To eat. Why can't I just go in the kitchen, cook a hot pocket and eat it? Oh because they have 300 calories in just one. My mom made me cry today. She says to me, "I just want the old Katie back. The one who would have fun going to Starbucks and getting a pedi with her mom." Sigh... I miss the old Katie too. I am going to lose my boys, I'm going to lose T, I'm going to lose my mom if I don't get better. Last night I begged God to take me out of this world. That made T mad. But in reality, if I wasn't here, then my mom, my boys, my friends, and T wouldn't have to live with the roller coaster of emotions I am going through. I don't know. I'm just so tired and over this shit. I AM GOING TO GET BETTER DAMN IT!!
XOXO Katie

Dear L,

I am sorry. I know that you are going through exactly what I am going through and I have been so selfish. I'm sorry that our conversations always center around my eating disorder. It's not fair to you. I want you to know that I cherish our friendship and even though I haven't met you yet, I feel like I know you so well. Last night you opened my eyes as to why I've probably lost so many friends because of this. Please know and please believe me when I say that I KNOW I want to and NEED to get better. I'm sorry it hasn't been an easy process. I'm sorry that I can't get rid of my scale, or stop counting the calories or stop exercising. It is my angel and it is my demon. I know that sometimes you come across and read this, so please know that I hope I can work on improving our friendship and make it work both ways, not just one. I will always be here for you and never judge you for what you are going through. Talk to you soon.
XOXO Katie

ANA was right

As I lay in bed this morning after waking, ANA told me that I had lost a lot of weight. "It will be a good thing," she said. It's not a good thing. Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up with the same "clean" attitude I do every morning. "I need to gain. I will eat more today and not exercise as much." I tell myself this every morning, but when it comes down to that moment of eating or not, I choose not to. I forced myself to eat 1 cup of multi grain cheerios (110cal) and 1/4 cup of almond milk (10cal.) That put me in a major freak out mode. 120 calories for breakfast!?!?! I never do that. So of course I worked out for 45 minutes, burned it all off and took myself negative. I stayed busy all day. Trying not to sit down for a long period of time. I didn't even feel like blogging. While out running errands, I stopped at McDonald's to get T and my oldest son some lunch. I didn't order anything for myself. I ate a couple fries and has a couple bites of his sandwich. Which in return made me hate myself. Then I stopped at Starbucks and ordered a Skinny Tall Mocha (110cal.) I drank about 1/3 of that. When we got home, I worked out more. I had chicken in the crock pot all day for chicken enchiladas for dinner. It smelled so amazing. Big family dinner last night. My boys, T's son, T, and his dad. Everyone ate and made themselves full on the wonderful food I made. I didn't eat. As a matter of fact, I didn't eat anything after that Starbucks I had in the early afternoon. I went and talked for an hour and a half with a dear friend of mine because she's going through a great deal of stress and I wanted to be there for her. But the conversation turned to me and my eating disorder. She cried and told me that she doesn't even know me anymore. I don't even know myself anymore, I told her. Sad isn't? My weight was 96.8lbs this morning. I told T that I wish he didn't have to go to work. It's easier for me to eat when he's around (kinda.) When he's not home, I just feel it more convenient not to stuff my fat face with food. T tells me last night that if I went on a full fledged binge that it wouldn't hurt me and probably would do me good. I KNOW that I need to gain weight. I am scared to. I can't force myself to eat. I can't stop myself from exercising when I know I've had too much food. I will work out right after I eat just so the calories don't stick. This cycle has to stop. It has to come to end if I want to be better. I'm embarrassed to go see my therapist this upcoming week. I am going to go eat now (I hope.) Do some laundry. Clean the bathroom. Go for a walk. Think about dinner plans. I probably will update later due to it being so early. This is an ugly number. It has to go away. Much love.
XOXO Katie

I was finally able to cry today

All it takes is for it to be the 18th of the month and that got me crying. Today marks 9 months since my brother, Chris, was killed. The only brother who talked to me and loved me. Out of the four I have. It's not fair. I know this sounds fucked up, but why couldn't it have been the brother who molested me for 2 years? At least I wouldn't miss him. My mom would though. You know, I tried telling her once about Jeremy molesting me. She denied it. Told me there is no way he could do that. And that was the end of that. She refuses to hear about it now and probably still doesn't believe me. Just like when I told my dad about his brother raping me when I was 7. He denied that. Told me that I was making things up. And the 19 year old who raped me when I was 12. I went to the cops about him. They didn't believe me. Then I made one small comment about rather being dead then dealing with the memories. They locked me up in a mental facility for 2 weeks. When I was 12! My dad didn't visit me while I was there. He was ashamed of it. Ashamed of me. Kinda like how I feel everyone is now. I'm the daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, mother with an eating disorder. I was thinking today.... Why are eating disorders so taboo? It's obviously common enough for the world to acknowledge it as a whole. But when it comes to an individual having it, I'm looked down upon. I'm sick. I know this. I'm trying to get better. They don't see that. Like a girl said today, my body is craving to gain weight, but my mind is telling it no. ANA is telling it no. It's almost 7pm and I have had a half a cup of coffee this morning. That's it. I'm punishing myself for shoveling peanut butter down my throat last night when no one was watching. For going through an entire big bag of Doritos but not actually eating them, just enjoying the flavor of them. My therapist wants me to stop this. I can't. She wanted me to stop looking at food porn. I can't. My excuse for that is I find so many awesome recipes that I cook for the family on there. I walked quite a bit today. Ran a lot of errands. Picked up more Prozac. Ugh. I hate those things. My dad took my oldest and I to an Italian Deli for lunch, I didn't get anything. It all smelled so wonderful. I could have ate an entire freaking pizza. But nope, I sat there and watch them enjoy their food. It sucks. My best friend says to me today, "If I could just get to 110lbs, I would be happy." I said to her, "Would you? I said the same thing. Here I am at 98lbs, still not happy." I need to eat. I have been craving peanut butter fudge all freaking day. What is up with the peanut butter lately? Ugh. It's so high in calories. T tells me to just shut it all down and eat. God, I wish it was so simple. I wish I could just forget about the calories in food and just eat it. Enjoy a delicious juicy burger from Carl's Jr and be content. But no. That would send me spirling downward. I don't know if Chris would be disappointed in me for how I am. One of our last conversations we had in person the last time he was in state was he told me my ass looked fat. Told me that I needed to only take one serving of food. Little did he know that it didn't matter how much I ate, I was throwing it up later. So maybe he would tell me how good I look and acknowlege all the weight I have lost (even if it is not the "right" way.) Alright, that's enough of that. I miss him. I love him. And I want so bad to hug him again. We will see each other soon enough Chris. Until then, "Keep on truckin." Much love.
XOXO Katie

I hate this medication

It makes me tired. I have no emotions. I want to cry so bad lately, and I just can't. It's like all my emotions have been shut off. I fall asleep on the couch way before bed time. And then the next day I'm just extremely tired and yawning all day. The only good thing that has come out of it is that I am not as hungry all the time. It's almost 6pm, I haven't ate anything besides a few nuts (10cal.) I had a diet Dr. Pepper from Sonic, so I've had substance. I don't feel too weak, which is good. I do plan on eating a bit at dinner, just some frozen veggies. I'm -199 calories today. I was supposed to go for a walk with a friend but her son got sick. I need to either go for a walk this evening or work out. I want to wear shorts. It was so hot today. I have been inspired to change around the layout for my blog. So I will be doing that after I finish this post. I'm still 98.6lbs today. I called my doctor about getting off my medication. The nurse I talked to told me to start taking it an hour and a half earlier and not to get off of it. I guess I will talk more to my doctor next week. In other news, one of my best friends that recently came back into my life, "R" who I have known for 11 years, she is still struggling with her ED. We have been through everything together. We have so much in common. I have missed her and having someone to talk to about this that knows how I feel. She texted me today and told me that the mental health center is sending her to a therapist that specialized in eating disorders. Well guess what, she is going to be seeing the same one as I am. Hmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I talk to my therapist about her. But overall, I'm happy she will be seeing someone like I am. Well I'm gonna go play with backgrounds and a new layout. Much love.
XOXO Katie

2lbs

Yeah... Damn it... I can't believe I let myself do this. I can't believe how bad I'm failing at recovery. I'm failing the love of my life, I'm failing my friends, I'm failing my boys. I don't ever want them to know the disease that consumes my life. These meds are making me so tired that I almost fell asleep on my drive back from Denver. They are not making me better. I still am obsessive compulsive over food, calories, numbers. I still have anxiety about food, calories, numbers. So much so that this morning I bought a grande skinny mocha from Starbucks (140cal), took two sips out of it, freaked out and dumped it all out. I cry, but when no one is around. It's easier that way so they don't ask questions. Oh by the way, that's not a 2lb gain, that's a 2lb loss. Yeah... I am down to 98.6lbs. I suck at this recovery shit. I'm disappointed. I'm not getting better. It was over a month ago that I decided that I needed to get better. But instead, I'm losing. One month ago today I was 106.6lbs. Exactly 8lbs in a month. Oh my God I am a sick monster. I still have fat days. I know that sounds impossible, but it happens. It happened last night. I wore my hoodie all night because I felt like a whale. Despite all the working out I did yesterday. I haven't worked out yet today. I spent all day in Denver at Children's Hospital meeting the neurologist for my youngest. She believes he has periodic paralysis, but has never seen it in a patient so young. She did blood work, did an EKG and we have his EEG at the end of this month. This has been such a stress. Maybe that's why the purging picked up again. Because I've got so much going on that I just need to get rid of all the nasty stuff I eat when I'm stressed. Or maybe it's just because I suck at this. That I'm failing at getting better. Ironic much? I hate myself. I am 98lbs and still think I am fat. I still can't wear shorts. I still pull at the different parts of my body wishing them away. Alright, that's enough bitching. Thank you all for the wonderful comments on my last blog. It's good to know that I'm supported through all of this. Much love.

Meet ANA. She's a bitch

XOXO

A brief on my day and a rant before bed

I purged again today. Only once. I tried to avoid the food all together. I skipped breakfast and skipped lunch, but come 1:15pm, I couldn't resist any longer. I went in the kitchen and dove into the Doritos. Why did I even buy them in the first place? I regretted it right after, and went and got rid of it all. Then I headed up to therapy. I got up there with 6 minutes to spare, so I went in the gas station near by and bought a huge coffee. It was amazing, despite the 81 degree weather we had today. I don't know if much got accomplished with today's session. I figured she was going to be mad at me when I told her about yesterday and this afternoon, but she didn't. She let me talk quite a bit and didn't chime in a whole lot. Although she told me that instead of looking at how many calories I can't consume, I should set a number for each day of the amount I can consume. She said, "If you set a goal for 700 calories a day, then you can decide how you spend that 700 calories." Oh my God, shoot me now! 700 freaking calories. That number freaks me out beyond belief. I was thinking like 200. But let's get real here. It's hard to eat like a normal person and only consume 200 calories a day. I told her that I just want to be able to eat a damn sandwich and not give a shit. I want to be able to wear shorts when it's 81 degrees out and not be consumed with fear of feeling so insecure in them. I want to wake up just one morning and not have my first thought be, "What am I going to weigh today?" Now begins my little "rant."  I was thinking about one of the posts I read today about ProAna and all that. I don't believe my blog is ProAna, do you? I'm not telling girls to go starve themselves or throw up after eating. Actually, quite the opposite. DO NOT put yourself through this. DO NOT make yourself vomit after eating. DO NOT starve yourself to lose weight. But of course you won't listen to me, because I do all that and I've lost weight. Weight wise, yeah, I succeeded in my goal. But this disease consumes me. I do not enjoy having ANA, MIA, and ED in my life all day, everyday. It's tiring and exhausting. I can't ever get them to shut up. Not even while I'm sleeping. I dream about this. How messed up is that? In my dreams I can't even eat normal. Today I had a total of 105 calories in food. I worked off 543 calories with exercise. That puts my net at -438. You don't want this. Girls think they can just do it for a week just to lose those "last few pounds." Well once you're consumed with all of this, there is never "those last few pounds." Because no number will be low enough. Your body will never be good enough. I wish I could do it the healthy way. So before you think that you can just do this temporarily so you can lose a little bit of weight, think again. You don't want this. You don't want to be controlled by it. Because that's what it does. It consumes your whole life. Not just a small aspect of it. No, your whole life. Alright, that's the end of that. On a final note, I did change the name on my blog to Katie Elizabeth. It's better that way. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Rolling backwards

I screwed up today. I purged... 3 times.... Damn it. I was doing so well. I am disappointed in myself. I thought I was ready. I was bracing myself for when that number went up on the scale, but I wasn't ready for when it actually happened. I didn't go up much, and I probably way overreacted. Only 4 ounces! Four! What the hell is wrong with me? I let it all slip away over 4 ounces. ANA was telling me all day what a screw up I am. I ate a spoonful of peanut butter last night, and immediately regretted afterwards. I snacked on jelly beans throughout the day yesterday. Probably only a total of 15 but still. Yesterday was too much. And when I saw that stupid 4 ounce gain on the scale this morning, I freaked. I still ate my egg whites and kiwi, but like 15 minutes afterward I ended up purging. Then my mom and I went to the movies and I purged right when we got there. Leftover lunch... Sigh... And then about halfway into the movie I did it again because I ate candy. I knew I shouldn't have brought the damn candy. I ate half a can of Progresso soup tonight for dinner, with no bread (even though that would have been amazing.) That was 70cal. I didn't purge that. I burned that off with my crunches, sit-ups and leg lifts. I'm sitting here hating myself. For so many reasons. My intake today is -87. I see my therapist tomorrow. Not looking forward to that at all actually. She would probably want to lock me away if she knew. ANA is telling me to cut. I want to tell her to shut up, but she never listens. So enough about what a failure I am. Onto my son. Yesterday morning when he woke up, he was acting, well not himself. He was screaming his head off, crying, but couldn't move his arms, legs or head. His whole body was limp. I had to hold his head like a new born (he is 15months.) He was like this for about 10 minutes, then gained strength back in his head. I tried to hand him a cracker to help calm him down and he couldn't grab it. His fingers didn't work. This happened once afterwards as well; the fingers grasp thing. I called the on call doctor later in the afternoon who asked me a series of questions, told me that if it happened again at all yesterday to take him into the ER, otherwise take him to see his pediatrician first thing this morning. Well luckily it didn't happen again. Took him into his doctor and he didn't know what to do. He seemed very confused. Set us up with an appointment with a neurologist on Wednesday morning down in Denver. They think possibly seizures. This did happen once before at his dads a couple weeks ago, but I didn't think much of it since I didn't actually witness it. I'm terrified. I don't want my baby to go through this his whole life. But at least we have appointments set up and we will figure out what's wrong. I want to go work out, but instead I'm going to indulge in food porn. And to Emily who asked T is; he is the love of my life. The sweetest boyfriend a girl could ask for =) Much love

XOXO Katie

Hello again, ANA

So just as I suspected, today isn't what it's all hyped up to be. I woke up to the house completely trashed by my puppy. Toilet paper, my TWO favorite pairs of shoes; completely destroyed and in pieces all over the house. My youngest woke up with something very weird going on with him (but I'm not going to write about it until I take him to the doc tomorrow.) I woke T up with coffee and breakfast. He told me that he wanted to make me breakfast since it's mother's day. That was sweet to offer, but I beat him to the punch and made his lol. While he ate, I went and jumped in the shower. I did my morning ritual by stripping down and got on the scale. Still read 100lbs. I can't tell if I'm finally over this number and want to lose, or I just can't understand why I haven't lost. It's not that I really want to lose anymore. But with how much ANA has been around, you would think it would make a difference. She has been yelling at me all day. Telling me how horrible those jeans looked on me, that my arm fat is disgusting, that I should wear a hoodie all day so everyone doesn't have to see how gross I look. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Instead of enjoying my day and feeling wonderful and beautiful, I feel repulsing. My intake for the day so far is -80cal. It's almost 4pm. I'm starving. That's OK. I can't imagine putting anything into me so close to dinner. After T gets home from the movies, I am making chicken alfredo for dinner. Not for myself of course. Nope. I will have 1.5 cups of salad with a few pieces of chicken in it. No dressing. Too many calories. ANA is telling me to not put the chicken in it. And to do 1 cup instead. That's only 10cal. A 10cal dinner? No, that's not right. I can at least put the chicken in it. This is how it's been all day. That's why I have only had my egg whites and kiwi at 8am this morning. I'm empty. I'm trying not to think about the burrito that T bought me a couple days. My favorite breakfast burrito ever. No. Just stop thinking about it now. I plan on working out tonight. Make my calories even more negative. I can't get fat. I need to. I will one day. Just not now. Or anytime soon. I'm going to go lay down instead. Maybe I can fall asleep for an hour and that will take away my hunger. I will stop thinking about food. I will not get on Pinterest and look at food porn. Well maybe just for a few minutes. No one else is around. It won't hurt anyone. Just like it wouldn't matter to anyone if I went in the kitchen and ate the chocolate fudge pudding, or a chocolate chip cookie, or 5. Alright, that's enough rambling. Thank you to my new followers. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Maintaining

That about sums it up. My weight is staying the same. I'm OK with that. I'm not ready to gain weight. Here is how I feel about all of this. MIA jumped in the back seat and now ANA is driving. I haven't purged since Tuesday. Last night was my first big urge to. I ate half of a bratwurst (100cal) and 3 cups of salad (30cal.) I felt huge. And I had this image of just sliding my fingers down my throat and getting rid of it all. But I didn't. Yay for self control I guess. I should feel proud of myself. Everyone else is. But it's hard. All of this has happened so fast. And I'm afraid with rushing it that I am going to relapse and start back in the purging cycle. So instead of purging, the counting, restricting and exercising have taken over. Yesterday looked like this: My food intake was 552cal. My exercise was 568cal. So my net was -16cal. At lunch I took my oldest to McDonald's to spoil him to a Happy Meal. I wanted nothing more than a McDouble but resisted it. Instead I bought myself a pack of apple slice (15cal.) I did good. I saw my therapist yesterday morning. She upset me. Here I am telling her how I haven't purged since Tuesday and that I am eating a little bit at a time. And what does she say? She tells me that I'm almost to the point where she would feel the need to report my safety to someone else because I'm "out of control." Really? WTF?!?! I was so pissed. She is my therapist and I thought I was aloud to tell her my feelings, but I honestly feel like I need to keep things from her. I can tell T more than I can tell her. It was extremely frustrating. But I still scheduled another appointment with her for next week. I haven't ate yet this morning. And it's past 10am. So I might a little bit of a bigger breakfast (never exceeding 100cal though.) That way I don't have to eat lunch. I am going to a memorial service for my dad's friend and I KNOW there will be food there. I have to resist it. I can not eat it. I hate eating anywhere else but home because I can't control what gets made or what's put into that food. I bought a new shirt the other day that I plan on wearing. I wanted to work out before leaving for the service, but now I have to get ready. Maybe I will work out tonight after my youngest goes to bed. T and I are doing better because I have put restrictions on when we talk about my ED. That way it's not a topic of conversation constantly. That makes me feel much better. Tomorrow is Mother's Day... Sigh... But we won't get into that. So off to make something to eat I guess. Much love.
XOXO Katie

UGW met... Still a failure

Just a heads up, this might possibly be long. And scattered. And I honestly don't know where to begin. I have so many feelings, so many emotions, so many words, but don't know how to put it. So first things first... I reached my goal. I got on the scale this morning and it read 100 exact. Yay for determination! I finally did it. All that hard work, and I made it. So... why am I not as happy about it as I thought I would be? Well for a couple different reasons. First thing is, T took me clothes shopping as my mothers day present. Well that turned out to be detrimental for everyone involved. The first couple pairs of shorts I grabbed off the rack were a size 3 because I was a 5 last time. Too big... So I grabbed a couple pairs of 0/1... Too big. I grabbed 5 shirts in a size small. Too big! By the time we left Ross I was so beyond frustrated. So then we went to Arc, and absolutely nothing fit either. T finally suggested that I look in the girls section. Not the juniors because that's what I was wearing, but the actual little girls. Talk about a walking freak show. Sure enough...they fit... But screw that. I am almost 23 years old. I should not be buying little girls jeans. So we came home and I was so beyond frustrated. The other reason why I'm not happy is; here I am, at my ultimate goal weight. My 100lbs I have been working so hard for, and guess what? I still feel disgusting. But on a whole 'nother level. There are some things that still need to go away. Like my jiggly thighs. It would be wonderful if those would just tone up already. The other thing is my pouch at the bottom of my stomach. But in other aspects, I am sickly skinny. I know none of this probably makes sense to anyone. Here is my ultimate issue: I NEVER thought that I actually would make it to 100. So that's why I kept fighting so hard for it. I NEVER thought I would see 120, or 110. So a friend asked me today, "You wanted to be 100, right? So what did you expect?" I never expected to get here. And then I made it here, and I am STILL NOT HAPPY!!! What the hell is wrong with me?!?! This is what I wanted. And a small part of me felt accomplished to see that number this morning. But all this hard work and my self image and self hatred hasn't changed. It's all so overwhelming. So yesterday I vowed that I would make a step forward. I was going to go a whole day without purging. So yesterday morning I ate 2 egg whites, a very small kiwi and my coffee with cream and sugar for breakfast. Total=98cals. Then dinner I had a couple pieces of roast beef. Total=70cals. So my total for the day was 168cals. But I walked a lot yesterday so my net ended up being -242. I was proud of myself because I had not purged and still ended up negative. Today's been a bit of a different story. T and I went out for breakfast. I had half of an egg white omelet(89), yogurt with granola(125) and 3/4ths of a whole grain pancake(79). Total=293cals. Then about an hour ago we went to McDonald's and I had half a small fry(115) and two bites of his sandwich(20cal) Total=135. So far today I have had an intake of 428cals. OMG I am freaking the hell out!!!! I have already cried about it twice. Mainly because it's only 4pm. There is still dinner. I have walked a couple miles today (-181cal). So my net for today SO FAR is 247cals... I can't believe I'm doing this. I am happy but on another level, I know that if I keep doing this, I am going to gain weight... I don't want to. I want to be better. But I want to stay at my current weight. See, none of this makes sense. Like I said, long and scattered. So for now, I'm ending this post. I don't know what I'm looking for in posting all of this. Encouragement for making a step forward? Or encouragement for sticking with ED, ANA, and MIA for so long and making it to my goal weight? Shit, I don't know anymore. Thanks for sticking with me through all of this. Much love.

XOXO

OMG Ewww

That's how I feel. I finally gave in and had a bowl of Ramen Noodles after not eating all day yesterday or this morning. Now I feel gross. Even though I purged them three freaking times, I don't feel like it's all gone. So now I feel extremely bloated. I have a doctors appointment in an hour and a half. My mouth has all these blisters in it and it freaking hurts. I just took my second round of weight loss pills, so I can't go and try and purge again. I just feel kinda miserable. I can't tell if I'm sick or if it's just these blisters that is causing my throat to hurt so bad. I just want a pajama day where I can just curl up with a book on the couch and watch TV all day. I know my doctor is going to ask how I'm feeling on the medication. To be honest, I'm not feeling any better. Actually, I feel a little more depressed than before. Of course T or anyone else won't notice because I have been doing well at being happy around everyone. I have been putting a smile on my face, laughing at jokes, and being, well, normal. I got sick of dragging everyone down with me. This is my hell. This is my battle. I need to fight the devil inside me by myself so no one else gets hurt. It hasn't gotten brought up that much between T and I which is a good thing. I don't know what I'm making for dinner tonight. My oldest is at his fathers, so I really only have to make something for T and I. Well maybe just him. I would be content with not eating anything else for the rest of the day. I feel so nasty. Thanks for the compliments on my progress pictures I posted earlier. I was so nervous putting them up. But I figured it can't hurt anyone (except my ego, lol.) I'm hoping on my way up to my doctors appointment, T will take me to Starbucks so I can get a chai tea latte. Those are my absolute favorites and only 170cal. I usually try not to count drink calories seeing as it just goes right through me. After my doctors appointment, I plan on coming home and taking a nap. That is if my youngest will go down for one. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Tuesday. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Progress pics

Ok, So I'm pretty nervous about putting these up, but oh well, here goes nothing. I will write a real post later in the day.

I can not stand my front view

I still have work to do; Ugh

101.4 and 20mg

So I weighed in at 101.4 this morning. My BMI is finally at 18.5! This is a big accomplishment for me. So I only have 1.4lbs til I reach my goal. T keeps saying that physically, I won't notice those last couple pounds, but I bet I will feel so great when I finally see that 100 mark. Yesterday I started feeling a cold coming on. My throat was so sore, so I didn't eat anything all day until dinner came last night. I ended up making hamburgers for everyone, but since my throat was killing me, I ate Ramen Noodles instead. I know that purging while I'm sick is probably not in my best interest, but I had to purge. My throat hurt worse afterwards, but I no longer felt full. Being sick is kind of a God send if you ask me. It keeps me from snacking, or eating anything too solid. Last night while we played Yahtzee, I wanted to binge on chocolate so bad, but instead I drank two cups of tea and avoided it. I didn't work out yesterday. But that's OK. Mainly because I cleaned the house from top to bottom, folded 4 loads of laundry, and read. I'm reading this book called "The 10th Circle." It's amazing. In a nutshell, it's about a dad who is writing a comic based on Dante's Inferno, and his daughter is in a difficult spot in her life and his wife is distant from him. That's all I can say without giving too much away. Last night was also my first night of moving up to 20mg on my Prozac. I got two more days of 20mg then I move up to 30mg. Then 3 days on 30mg, and then finally I will be on 40mg for a month. This Sunday is Mothers Day. I hate Mothers day. I always have. I never get to spend it with my mom, and no one has ever celebrated me as a mother. Because I placed my first son up for adoption when I was younger, that part of me is missing. And both of my boys' fathers never celebrated it with me. It's very discouraging. I just want to skip it all together. My mom tried to get it off of work, but they told her no. I don't know what I'm going to get her. I just wish I could sleep through it all and not even think about it. So it's almost 10am and I'm not even hungry. I just finished my coffee, my youngest is down for a nap, so I think I'm going to go read some of my book. I'm sorry for this post being so scattered lol. Much love.
XOXO Katie

I thought I was doing well

Yesterday and Thursday, I thought I was managing my mood swings and depression well. Now I'm discouraged and am back to feeling like a failure. T's dad and I went gambling. I told myself I was only going to spend 25 dollars. I spent 70 and freaking lost it all. I had a 20 minute anxiety attack in the bathroom of the casino. I couldn't get myself to calm down. I was crying hysterically. People probably thought I was crazy. But between losing all my money and the 110cal Special K chips that my body refused to purge, I was in complete panic mode. I got on the scale this morning and I am down almost a whole pound from yesterday. I weighed in at 102.2. Great, right? Well I'm pretty sure that went out the window today. I am in a full on depression at the moment. I was so mad at myself for losing all that money and the snacks I had, that when I got home, I worked out for 2 hours in the 90 degree garage to punish myself for being such a failure. I don't care if I worked off the calories that I racked up today, I still feel disgusting. While I was working out, I kept telling myself how fat and jiggly my thighs were and that if I didn't work harder, nothing was going to change. Good motivation I suppose. Now it's almost 7pm, I haven't even started dinner. Mainly because T still isn't home from work, but also because I'm negative 379cal right now and I don't want to mess that up. I did manage to purge a couple times when I got home. I forced myself to eat something that would be easy. Damn it. I thought I was doing better. Nope, still a failure. I wanted to cut. That's how depressed I got. I haven't cut in SOOO long that it felt silly for the thought to even cross my mind. Oh well I suppose. Sorry for such a depressing post. Much love.

103 exact

Normally I would be happy about this. Normally I would be jumping up and down with joy. Guess that's one thing about me lately; nothing I do is normal. Nothing I feel is normal. All these thoughts, all the obsessing over numbers, the way I feel about myself, none of it's normal. I went for a follow up doctors appointment yesterday. He finally decided to start me on Prozac and then another medication strictly just for anxiety, but he told me to only take that one when I have no responsibilities or there is someone around to help with the kids because it's going to make me sleepy and confused. Hmm. Don't know how I feel about that one. He told me that people with an eating disorder usually take the full 60mg of Prozac, but he wants me to be on 40mg for a month before he decides to move me up. So fantastic, I'm on crazy pills. Pills that will most likely make me feel like a zombie and probably make me gain weight. If I gain weight on these stupid things, I'm going to freak. Last night, I had a total anxiety attack. I was so hungry, but it was around 11pm and that was just a bad combination. So like the fat pig I am, I grabbed a jar of peanut butter and just dove in with my damn fingers. Ugh, disgusting, I know. But then I freaked. Because I know that I can't purge peanut butter very easily. So at midnight I decided to make me Ramen Noodles. I know that was probably a horrible idea. I ate a whole bowl full, then went to purge. Ugh, the peanut butter was so unpleasant. After I got out of the restroom, it lead to a huge discussion with T. Which ultimately ended in an argument. Fuck, I wish those would just stop already. His dad emailed us some links with some videos he took last week of all of us, and wow, do I look freaking unhappy. When T and I first got together, his dad took a video of all of us, and I was so full of light, so happy, and full of a smiles. These videos we watched last night, well I look depressed. I'm barely smiling. You can tell the smiles I do have are forced. Why is that? What do I have to be unhappy about? Besides the fact that I can't stand my body. I can't stand myself as a person. But everyone around me loves me. It's frustrating because I know that I could possibly lose T because of this and nothing is changing. I want so badly to be happy and full of light again. I want our relationship to be healthy. I want to love myself. But instead, here I sit, 103lbs and still not satisfied. I was looking at my stats yesterday and the first recorded one I have on here was 120lbs at the beginning of February. I know that I started out the year at 125lbs. So in 5 months, I have lost 22lbs. Why is this not good enough? Why does ED and Ana keep telling me to keep going? I'm so freaking overwhelmed. I have been doing everything for everyone else all week this week. I can't say no to anyone. That is a big problem of mine. One day. For myself. To do everything for myself. That's what I need. A restart, refresh day; for myself. Yep. Alright, sorry for this post being so long. I will update tomorrow. Much love.

Ever feel like jumping?

XOXO

Lazy

I have not exercised since Saturday. So today my boys and I went on an hour and a half walk. So that gave me a bit of negative calories. Came home and did 200 crunches and 50 leg lifts. So I am at -210 calories for the day. You would think with results like that, I would be satisfied. The only thing I have kept down was 57 calories worth of frozen yogurt. And that wasn't too long ago. So I'm feeling huge. I hate that feeling. Of feeling full. These days, no matter how little I eat, I am always feeling full. Dinner has been in the crock pot for 3 hours now. I'm making Spicy Chicken BBQ sandwiches, baked potatoes and salad for dinner. Except mine won't be a sandwich. I don't need the extra calories or carbs. And I most definitely won't have a baked potato, but instead I will have some raw veggies. I bought some plain Greek yogurt at the store today. I think tomorrow for breakfast I will have some of that with some kiwi that I also bought. It really sucks that despite how healthy I may be eating, I still don't keep the food down. I'm scared of the calories, also can not stand that full feeling. I had a very stressful morning because my oldest son's father didn't pay my child support yesterday like he was supposed to. I rely on that money. As much as I hate to admit it, I need the money to help with bills and some other small necessities. It's frustrating. I had to cancel my therapy this morning because I didn't even have the gas to get there. He makes me so upset. I just want to cry. Then bill collectors have been calling me all day. I'm just so over this day. I just put my youngest down for a nap, maybe I will just start some laundry and lay down with my book. I am not sure when T will be home, but dinner is supposed to be done in about 3 hours. Hopefully he will be home by then. We stayed up until almost 2am playing Yahtzee. It was fun. We haven't played since I got it for Christmas. It was perfect him and I time. While we were playing, I had such a craving for nacho cheese Doritos, so I grabbed a brand new bag and went through the whole thing. And maybe ate a total of 4 chips. Like I've said in the past, I just enjoy licking the flavor off of them and then give the chip to the dogs. They enjoy that too. I'm weird, aren't I? I'm hoping after dinner tonight I will be able to work out. I have only purged 3 times today which is good. Then after tomorrow at noon, I will be kid free, so I will be able to work out all I want. Yay! Well I'm going to read my book. Thank you all for the comments on yesterday's blog. I still haven't heard back from my blood results. Hopefully soon. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Being completely consumed...

I edited the photo myself

Everyone keeps asking me if I want to get better for me. Of course I do. I have become completely consumed by my ED. The emotions that I go through every time I think about eating, well frankly, has become too overwhelming. For example; last night I ate not one, but two brownies. While I'm eating them I am thinking, "damn these are good." Then it's, "you're fat. Disgusting. A failure." So then I headed to the bathroom and purged (for the 11th time yesterday) and thought, "success. You enjoyed your food, but didn't have to worry about the calories." Then as I'm washing my mouth out I was back to, "you're such a failure. The only way you can maintain your weight is throwing up everything you eat." This is what I go through all the freaking time. I am in such a state of depression and anxiety that I can't enjoy life anymore. I'm not Katie. I am my eating disorder. Yesterday, I made everyone sandwiches and bagged lunches for when we went shooting. Except for me. I didn't make myself a lunch or take any food for me. As I'm sitting in the cab of the truck and watched the guys eat their lunches, I became so envious. I would love to be them. To enjoy a sandwich, a small bag of chips, and a power bar and not hate myself. Shit, I would love to eat a handful of peanuts and not hate myself. I purged 12 times total yesterday. I don't know why yesterday was so bad. My head hurt so bad by the end of the night and I was so shaky that I couldn't do anything. Today I have purged 4 times and it's 4pm. Mostly because I haven't been snacking like I did yesterday. I don't know what to do for dinner tonight. I would be content with nothing. But I have people to feed, so I can't do that. I went to my doctors appointment this morning. Told my doctor, who I have known my entire life that I have an eating disorder and I have had one for 11 years now. I told him how bad it has gotten and that I just wanted to be put on medication to make me more of an enjoyable person to be around. No wonder why I have no friends. No one wants to be around me. I'm miserable. So my doctor tells me that he doesn't specialize in eating disorders (no shit) and he wants to consult with a psychiatrist to get an opinion on what medication to put me on. I was quite disappointed because I was hoping he would just give me something. Then they drew blood to check my levels. He told me I have an abrasion in my esophagus and that's why I'm bleeding when I purge. My overall feeling about the appointment was, "OK, he doesn't think it's so serious that he feels the need to do something drastic." So maybe I'm not as sick as everyone keeps thinking. You know, if I was taller, then I might actually look like I have an eating disorder. But I'm so damn short that it's no wonder why I still look freaking fat. I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. End of story. So I'm going to go read a book for an hour until T is home. I have a lot more to write. Just don't feel like it right now.