Saturday, June 2, 2012
Less intake-More weight
Between all the exercise I did yesterday and the food I ate, I ended up negative calories. But I gained back those 2lbs that I lost. I give up. Throw my hands up in the air and just give up. I'm at 96.4lbs. It doesn't bother me, but ED and ANA on the other hand, they have been riding my ass all day. I have changed my outfit several times. Everything looks horrible on me. It's hot today and I want to wear shorts, but my legs look disgusting. Every shirt I put on hugs my love handles or makes my stomach protrude. I ate cereal with almond milk for breakfast, and exercised it off. I have snacked a little bit on trail mix, but I'm upset about it. Today is most definitely one of my bad days. One of those days where I feel like giving into ED and not eating for the rest of the day. But I can't. No. I have to eat. I have to gain. I have to plump up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Today is Relay for Life. A walk to help raise money for the American Cancer Society. I do it every year for a few hours. I'm looking forward to that because I will get quite a bit of walking done there. And I will spend some money to raise some money. Maybe I should put jeans on before I go, so I don't have to scare everyone with my legs. See, like I said, been riding my ass all day. It's horrible. I'm 96lbs. I shouldn't hate myself and think I'm fat the way I do. T tells me this morning, "You are seeing things that are not there. Simple as that." So I'm crazy. Fantastic. My question is, why doesn't anyone see what I see? The fat that piles over my jeans? My triple chin I have going on? The fact that my legs are fat and jiggly? Maybe I am the crazy one. Sigh. Last night, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital again. My chest felt tight, I was feeling dizzy, and that pain in my right side had come back. But my oldest son's dad was ignoring me, so I had no one to watch him, so I stayed home, took some medicine, and went to bed. My body hates me for all I've been putting it through. And now it's taken it's revenge on me and making me miserable. I don't have the fight in me today. I have been doing so well with my good days, then today comes along, and it's all out the window. It sucks. I ate tofu for my first time last night for dinner. It was amazing. It's low calorie, and it's way cheap. So I have found my new favorite thing to eat. T just left for work. He got called in and they told him to be there at 2pm. So it's going to be a long night. Well maybe after the boys go to bed tonight, I will read or do something. Anyway, I'm sorry for this being so whiny today. Much love.
XOXO Katie
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I have those days with my clothes also. It's obnoxious and gives such a defeating feeling :( Hang in there girl <3
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Katie you are having a hard day. I love that you are a fighter, even though your ed is on your case your still pushing through.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same with the mirror, all I see is fat.
Sometimes in photos I can see the thinness, maybe it would help to take some and you might see yourself differently.
Take care of you xxx
Oh hun dont apologise - you have nothing to be sorry about, you had a bad day (I had a bad day too!) lets just give today a rest and start afresh tomorrow, I am sorry that you're in pain - I do hope it goes away, maybe rest is what you need as you are always so busy - your boys keep you on your feet! I hope his dad stops being such a douche and starts being there! I hope you feel better, I am here if you want to talk darling, take care xxx
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about it, we can't win them all. Some days are good and others are not so much. And the mirror is just a horrible invention. As much as I hate it I spend so much time in front of it looking at my body and appearance and trying to make everything look perfect. But in the end, it never matters because I don't like the way I look. Anyways, I hope the rest of your day will be better<3
ReplyDeleteClothes and shopping can be the worst sometimes! I notice that when I eat too much I feel like I am 300 pounds. But when I stick to my calorie intakes all of a sudden I am convinced that I'm shrinking. I guess it's just the disordered voices that are inside our heads. You aren't alone sweetheart. Take care and try not to focus on it too much!
ReplyDeleteAll my support,
<3 A Fragile Heart
You're definitely not whiny<3
ReplyDeleteStick in there hun, these days happen to us all. The only thing we can do is move along, try not to give it more attention than any of the rest. Don't let it control you.
Lots of love~~
Reading a book sounds lovely. I am too tired to read. Sorry to hear about the scale and how your clothes just didn't look right on you. I hate days like that so much. I have them everyday went I go to work because that uniform I wear is fuckin hideous.
ReplyDeleteI have always wanted to walk for a good cause but I have not gotten around to it yet.
You were not whiny at all to me. I hope everything works out for you tomorrow. Another day but hopefully a better day.
Stay strong beautiful <3 you are amazing and your doing great ^^
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