Admitting I have a problem?

So essentially, this is my first blog, where I admit to having a problem, right? Where all the people in my life find out that I have this thing called an Eating Disorder. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well here's the thing, I'm not afraid to admit it. I've been admitting it to myself for 11 years now. I wake up every morning and I'm automatically consumed by it. I step on that scale several times a day, praying that, that number never changes. For me, the main reason behind my ED is not necessarily my body, although that is a big playing factor. It's about control. I have control over my body if not anything else in my life. I have control over what food I consume, and whether or not it will come back up. I was nervous about writing this blog and the reason being is, I wasn't ready for the overwhelming judgement I am going to get for it. I wasn't ready for all those people that read it to shoot me dirty looks when I pass them in Walmart. But as a good friend pointed out to me, it isn't their life, it's mine. An Eating Disorder is just that; a disorder. This isn't something that I just woke up one morning and decided, "Hey, that sounds like a fun thing to do." Something had been festering in me for so long. I was such a fat kid and I hated being picked on for it. I had read about Eating Disorders in books. I kinda had the grasp of it. Well as much as an 11-year-old possibly could. It started with skipping breakfast every morning. I would purposely wake up late each morning, tell my dad I didn't have time to eat, and just head out for school. But oh my God, I was starving by lunch. So then I would eat a lot at lunch and completely make skipping breakfast pointless. When I hit 8th grade, well that's when my life started getting a little out of control. I started dating a guy, who little did I know, would be controlling every aspect of my life for the next 3 years. A guy who everyday would tell me who I couldn't hang out with, what I could eat (more like shouldn't eat, cuz it would make me fat), What I couldn't wear, and even tore my family away from me. Who for the next 3 years, little to my knowledge at the beginning, would beat me, drag me down and make me feel like a nobody. My Eating Disorder became easy while I was with him. I learned to not be hungry. Any money that came in (from his mom none-the-less) would go to him buying cigarettes and drugs. So we never had money for food anyway. I lost a lot of weight when I was him. I also started cutting towards the end of our relationship (which I recovered from in 2010, yay!). The Anorexia stayed though. Only in the last couple years did the Bulimia set in. I had tried it a few times in the past, but it was never my forte. It was always my mind set that if I ate it, it was going to stick, and go straight to my ass (as my dad always put it). I started doing research on the Internet about bulimia. Reading books and taking notes. When I was pregnant with my youngest son, I promised myself I would be good. I ate healthy and exercised. With my oldest son, I ate very unhealthy and just didn't care. I gained like 60 or so pounds. It took me two years to lose all that weight. I didn't want to do that again. So this last time around, I made sure I didn't gain too much weight too fast. I overly obsessed about my weight during my pregnancy. In the end, I gained 30 pounds. Exactly what I was supposed to gain. But right after he was born, the Bulimia took over again. And a year later, here I am. I'm at my smallest I have been since I was 14 and I couldn't be happier. Which brings me back to, I don't think at this point in my ED, I have a problem. A problem would mean that I feel like it needs to be fixed. I know the consequences of my choices, and I know all the health risks. I am starting this blog to take you on a journey through my life and my Eating Disorder. I know that sometime in the future, I may pursue treatment and that it will be good for me and my loved ones. But this is what I'm used to. THIS is comfortable. And for right now, I'm okay with that.