What an emotional day

So I have a slight hint that I'm coming down with something. I have felt like crap the last couple days, but this morning when I woke up, I felt like a train had hit me. All I wanted to do was sleep, but with two kids, yeah, that's impossible. So I took my oldest to school, came home and played with the baby. My first emotional thing that hit me was that he is going to be 1 in two days. Already. I just can't grasp that I guess. But then a friend of mine and I got into a heated discussion about my ED and she made me feel like shit about it. I guess not everyone is going to accept me for who I am. So by the time the baby went down for a nap, my oldest was home from school, so I couldn't take a nap then. At this point, I hadn't touched any sort of food because I was ignoring my stomach yelling at me. And then when I was making my son lunch, it happened. Something that I am so ashamed of and that I NEVER thought I would do. I ate a couple chips, but instead of throwing them back up, I just avoided swallowing them all together. I just spit them in the trash. Awhile back, I saw this thing on TV of a lady who did that because she wanted the taste of it, but not to consume any sort of calories. And at the time, I didn't understand how someone just couldn't swallow their food, but today, I finally understood it. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it, but it was pretty comforting to know that I didn't consume those calories. By 5pm, I had only consumed about 150 calories, but those came right back up as well. All the meanwhile, I had two friends coming to me, emotional about the other, and I didn't know exactly what to do or what to say. So I tried my hardest to make them both feel better about the situation. I don't know how I did there. Then we went out to eat at Santiagos for dinner. I love the food, it's cheap and that is the most cooperative food with my ED. I got on the scale at probably 4pm since I haven't eaten any food at all, and I got frustrated because it was still the same. Last night I was asked, when will I be happy? What is my goal? When will it subside? Well the funny thing about this stupid Eating Disorder is, I don't know if I ever will be happy, or what my goal is. When I started at the gym back in September, I told the personal trainer that my goal was 115. I thought that was a realistic goal. But here I am, 4 months later, and still 121.2; what in the world?!?! Why is my goal so unreachable? Why can't I just be there and then see if I'm happy at 115? It's so frustrating. And then to top off my roller coaster of a day, my oldest brother calls me and we start talking about Chris, my brother who was killed in August. So now I've got all of that playing in my head. I want this day to be over and it's not even 9pm. Tomorrow, I plan on going jean shopping since all of my jeans are too big, but I'm dreading it. I hate it so much. But I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.