Dr. Pepper with Cherry and Chocolate

That is what I am currently drinking at the moment.I should be drinking a diet. I rarely ever drink regular soda. I'm having a fat day today and feel huge. I'm even wearing a black shirt and it still isn't helping. Over the course of the last couple years, I have learned which foods work well with my ED and which ones do not. I ate Taco Bell for lunch today because that's what my oldest wanted. I don't mind Taco Bell. It is a food that works well with my ED. I'm making a big dinner for everyone tonight. I love cooking. That is a problem for a person with an Eating Disorder. The topic of Summer came up today with a friend and we were talking about bikinis. Oh my God, I hate even thinking about it. I understand that I have given birth to 3 kids, but I have seen girls who look like they don't even have kids in bikinis and it makes me so jealous. I shouldn't be jealous of girls that I don't even know and will probably never see again. But still, everything I do makes me think about whether or not it's going to add a few extra calories to my diet or a few ounces on that scale. I tried getting rid of my scale. It didn't work. I can't live without it. It's my comfort blanket. I can maybe go a day without stepping on it, but I'm always afraid that if I do, then the next time I get on it, that number would have increased by 10, or 5, or even 1. I freak out over a few ounces. When I'm having a fat day like I am today, I cry. I cry because nothing feels right on me, nothing looks good on me. I feel like I shouldn't consume anything for the rest of the day. That way when I get on the scale the next morning, that number will decrease by at least a few ounces if not a couple pounds. I get a huge sigh of relief when I lose some weight. Also on days like this, I will probably go to my bedroom and do like 50 sit ups and 50 jumping jacks because that makes me feel better. Days like this are hard. I'm emotional and irritable. I was supposed to go to the movies with my oldest and my best friend but my oldest was being mean, so at the last minute I changed my mind and we decided to come home. I don't like today. I don't like being like this. I'm not happy with myself today.