Mmmm Panera Bread

So last night, we went out to the bar. First time in almost 2 months. I didn't eat anything for a few hours before we went out because I was having such a pudgy day. Everything that I put on yesterday made me look like a freakin blimp. But apparently I drank quite a bit last night. I don't remember a whole lot, but I do know that I felt really sick all day today. I slept in til 11, then I ran errands, so I ended up skipping lunch, which I was alright with. Then I took a nap in the afternoon when my youngest went down for a nap. So I have slept a good part of the day and didn't eat. Food hasn't felt appealing to me all day. But while we were out and about this evening, we decided to get some dinner. We went to Panera. I absolutely love that place. The food is so yummy, and generally healthy. I promised myself when we got there that I wasn't going to let it come back up since I hadn't touched any sort of food all day long. But of course after I ate, I just couldn't help it. As much as I tell myself over and over that I am not going to do it, I do it anyway. A few people have read my blog so far, and I have gotten some mean comments. Which is kinda what I was expecting. But some reassuring comments from others. Telling me that they are here to support me and be a shoulder to lean on when I need someone to talk to. And to those people, Thank you. I appreciate it. To the others, this isn't something new to me. I know exactly what I am dealing with. I feel the affects that it has on my body, but I very much enjoy having control over at least one aspect in my life. There are so many people in my life who have control over different parts of my world, and having my ED at least gives me control over something. I'm losing weight. I look good (some days). I got on the scale this morning, and I still haven't lost any weight. I was actually quite annoyed with it. I'm even doing exercises. I want to be toned so I can actually look decent in a bikini this summer. I just want to be happy with myself. I want that more than anything. I don't ever want my boys to remember me always down on myself. I want them to remember me as beautiful and happy in life. I hope that one day soon I can accomplish that.