A fat night

So I know I've already posted today, but I'm feeling really down on myself tonight. Not only do I feel like a freakin cow, but my face has broken out something terrible. I read last night that with Bulimia, your face will break out, but I have never had it this bad. I cried tonight while I was doing dishes after I had went to the restroom to get rid of my dinner. Because what I made for dinner tonight, well, it wasn't a food that goes well with my Eating Disorder. I wasn't able to purge as much as had intended, and that ALWAYS makes for a bad night. I was also crying because I absolutely can't stand feeling this way. I hate that every morning I wake up, I wish that I could be skinny, wish that I could be beautiful. I hate that I see myself like this. It's not something that I choose. When you tell me I'm beautiful, I don't tell you no I'm not for the attention, I tell you I'm not because in the very core of my being, I believe it. I find myself at this moment wearing a hoodie and covered with a blanket although it's 73 degrees in my house. I'm not cold, I'm fat. I'm ashamed of the way I look. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I just want it to be covered up and to go away. I keep hoping that when I go to sleep at night, I will wake up and it will be gone. All this fat, all this shame will disappear. I talk to God everyday and ask him for his forgiveness because I know that what I do, is not acceptable. One day, all of this won't matter. I will be happy one day, I hope.