I want to be toned

Is that so much to ask for? I'm down to 115.4, which is small enough. Now I just want my stomach to be tighter, my legs and arms to be less flabby. I want my face to go back to normal instead of all this breaking out shit. I am totally and utterly disgusted with myself. I can't stand to look at myself anymore without crying. I know that it's causing minor issues with my honey because I know what he sees, but I don't see that. I don't see myself through his and God's eyes. Why is that so hard? Sure, I look halfway decent with clothes on, but with them off, I scare myself. I don't understand why I feel this way. My eating disorder has become such a norm for me in my life, that I don't see myself without it. It's hard for me to see past the right now. I can't imagine myself in the future eating something and keeping it down. I can't imagine myself ever not worrying about calories, or fat intake. I don't ever see myself comfortable naked. It's so hard to see past all of this. My body and mind have so much control over me. I get so mad if in the morning the scale doesn't change from the last time, or up. This stupid eating disorder has so much control over me. I want to take control over it, damn it. But I need to do this on my own. I need to come to grips with the fact that if I stop purging that I am going to gain weight, and right now, I'm not okay with that. I don't want to gain weight, I just want to be toned. Sigh...