106.8 and a crappy day

So I couldn't tell if I was happy or upset that I lost. I love seeing that number go down, but where is the line for me losing weight? I'm just a roller coaster of emotions about this. I just want to stop hating myself. I want to be happy and not always worrying about this crap. But I know that if I get help, I will gain and that scares me. Scares me to the point of a nervous breakdown. I just can't handle all of this. I ate like a fat cow today. 200 calories at breakfast (purged), 250 calories at lunch (purged), and then 500 calories at dinner (very purged). I can't believe I freaking consumed that much in one day! I feel like a total failure at life today. So around noon, I went down and saw my birth son, R, and his family. Going and seeing him is always so hard on me, but today was disasterous. He refused to talk to me, hug me, take a picture with me but he did happen to mention he doesn't like me. It absolutely broke my heart. I am so depressed about the whole matter. Then we went out to get dinner and when we got back, I went to get out of the car and my phone fell out onto the ground and shattered the entire screen. Ugh! I had to use my last 40 dollars as my deductable on my insurance to have a new one sent to me. But now I'm broke. Then T just called me and told me that his last job he has today, they can't even start til midnight! What the shit is that? So he won't be home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I'm just having a terrible day. I won't weigh in tomorrow because I know that I will have gone up, and I just can't handle that. I hate seeing that number go up. I swear that tomorrow better go better or I'm going to lose all patience I have for anything. Oh and on my final note, I have crappy friends. I'm tired of being a last resort for everyone. That's the end of that.