Surrounded by nothing

My scale read the same today(110.) I'm still in a lot of pain and my bleeding has gotten heavier. I might call the doctor tomorrow and move my appointment up. My throat feels a lot better, but food sounds horrifying. These past 5 days have been easier than I had thought. Since I physically couldn't eat due to the pain, thinking about food didn't happen. Therefore it wasn't painful to my stomach. When I think about food but know I shouldn't eat it, my stomach gets mad at me. It's yelling at me to eat. I don't want to gain. I just want to stay the same. So even though my throat feels better today, I haven't ate anything. I'm OK with that. My stomach hasn't been yelling at me and my scale is being my friend. Today has been an emotional day though. I've been depressed and lonely. I feel like I've lost my place in this world. I've lost my place amongst my so called friends. People who tell me they will be there for me if I ever were to need them, but when it comes down to it, they bail or ignore me. These girls who call themselves my best friends, but when I need someone to come over and talk to me, they are nowhere to be found. It makes me question what my standards and expectations are of a friend really are. Am I just so desperate for a friend that I allow anyone into my personal life, tell them my secrets, let them see the real me? Just so they can turn around and use it against me? So they can lecture me about what a failure I am and how I need to change everything about me just to be accepted in society? I always hear people say, "Be who you are, don't change for anyone," yet those are the people who are telling me that what I do is unacceptable, that I'm a social outcast. Sometimes I wonder how I've even made it this far in life. I thrive off human affection, yet every person who was supposed to have my back (father, boyfriends, best friends, my ex husband) are the ones who treated me like shit, walked all over me, and tried to form me into something that they wanted me to be. But when they saw that I was me, and that I couldn't change that, they left. They made excuses for why they could no longer be present in my life. Why do I feel the need to have friends everywhere I go? Why do I hate being alone. Most people enjoy having time to themselves, not me. I like to surround myself with people. It's pathetic, huh? Oh well, such has been my life. On another note, I do plan on eating just a bit tonight. I'm making super healthy food (cabbage, smoked sausage, and roasted red potatoes.) I haven't decided if I should purge it though due to the fact that my body probably needs it, but since it probably won't physically hurt to purge, who knows. Thanks for listening to me whine. Much love.

XOXO Katie