I was happy to see that yesterday was just a fluke and that I am back down to 110. Although I feel like I am still swollen. Turns out when you have this kind of surgery, they blow the inside of your stomach up with CO2 so they have room to move around in there. Well I ended up back in the ER last night because I wasn't aware that all the CO2 was in there. After your surgery, they vacuum it all out, but turns out they didn't get it all out. Which in turn is causing me so much pain to breath or to cough. I still can barely eat anything. I attempted breakfast this morning. I got my eggs down but they didn't stay down neither. Every time I try to eat or drink anything besides water, my throat closes up and I can't swallow. It's actually quite scary. But I keep thinking what an awesome diet this surgery has been. Since 7pm on Wednesday night, I have probably consumed 160 calories. That's only because I can only get in a little here and there. T and I were talking earlier about why I am the way I am. I told him I don't understand how overweight girls have so much confidence about themselves and here I am and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't know why I'm this way, but I feel like some wires up in my head are way loose. I feel like my whole life I've been a fuck up and that I have always been searching for an escape. First it was anorexia for a few years, then the cutting started. So I was an anorexic cutter. And now look at me. I'm at my lowest weight I have been since I was probably in like 8th grade and I just can't stop purging. It's become a security blanket. Something that I know I can always run to when I'm feeling down. I'm making bubble up pizza for dinner tonight, and a small part of me wishes that I could enjoy it with everyone else, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. So maybe some ramen noodles for me. Hopefully tomorrow my weight doesn't go back up. Sigh, I feel so sad today. I will check in later. Thanks for reading.
XOXO Katie
I feel the same way. I see much larger girls walking around at the pool in a bikini and it makes me wonder how they have the confidence to wear one in public while I can't even bear the thought of stepping out of my bedroom wearing one. I hope you feel better tomorrow :)
ReplyDelete<3 Dainty
You've been doing it & thinking it soooo long you've rewired your brain & now you have to put it back the way it belongs. Its not easy will be a long hard battle but do it for yourself & your family before its to late...is it fair for your kids to have to bury you @ 30 from this disorder? I used to dream of being skinny , it almost killed me dint make that mistake....
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