110.6 and in a crappy mood

Where do I begin? Let me start off by saying that I have surrounded myself with some awesome friends. And I don't mean acquaintances, I mean people who genuinely care for me. That being said, and for those of you who read this, don't take this to offense, but once again, I do know what it is that I do and what I am doing to myself. I'm not new to this whole eating disorder ordeal. I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 11. Right now, in this point in my life, I'm comfortable. That doesn't mean that I am happy that I have an eating disorder. I downright hate it. For the most part, I am happy with my weight right now. There's only a couple things that I would change and I discussed that in my last blog. I am not sure if I'm ready to give up purging, and for right now, that is just going to have to be ok. Hopefully eventually, I will be able to give up the purging and just eat very little, not purge and exercise. Shit, when I get to that point, that will be a big leap towards success for me. But I just can't do that right now. I want to make this clear also, I am not purging anymore to lose weight, I'm doing it to maintain where I am right now. A dear friend and I had a heart to heart the other night, and even though she made me cry, she was being honest with me. Everyone else keeps telling me how great I look, and this particular friend told me that I look too skinny and that I was more beautiful 10lbs ago. I don't see it. I have it programmed into my head that skinny is beautiful. And until I can get that mentality out of my mind, my eating disorder is going to be present. As Dexter so beautifully puts it, my eating disorder is my "dark passenger." It's not something that I chose, it's something that chose me, 11 years ago. Now it's gotta be my choice to get rid of it. I can't be forced into this decision by friends or family. If I don't go and do it on my own free will, then I will relapse and it will all be a waste of time. So to all my friends and family that read this and keep up with me, please bare with me and be patient, because hopefully, that day will come and I will need you. For all the others who can't be here for me and patient, just remember the saying, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Alright, that's enough of my venting.