My first poem in over 2 years

OK, so it's been a very heavy evening around here. With all conversations steering back towards my disorder, I decided I need to write again. I haven't wrote a poem in over 2 years because I felt like there was nothing left to write. Hope you enjoy.

Beaten, Battered, Broken,
Alone, inside this hell.
This is me, I'm sorry,
My head is starting to swell.

Screaming silently,
The outside is a disguise.
You are too scared to see,
My life through my eyes.

The outside is my shell,
And inside I keep hidden.
My lies and secrets,
They are forbidden.

I thrive to be perfect,
Reality is, I've drifted.
My original reasons,
Have been shifted.

I thought I had control,
But it has control of me.
My heart has a lock,
My disease holds the key.

My every thought is blurred,
My reasoning is unclear.
I thought it was my friend,
But really, it's my fear.

For I'm afraid to lose it,
I'm content if it stays.
But it's consuming every thought,
Controlling in every way.

It's no longer a way out,
But instead it's made it's way in.
I don't know if I care,
I'm the smallest I've ever been.

That's what all of this was for,
To see those numbers go down.
My life is surrounded by calories,
It's centered on the pounds.

So for now I'll let it stay,
Do as it pleases.
Hopefully I can gain control,
And the pain inside eases.