105.8 = Disappointment

So I think the day I weighed in at 104.8, the scale was just messing with me. Because yesterday when I got on, I had gained, but today I did go down from yesterday which is good. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I'm not 104.8 right now. Or better yet the fact that I know I'm not making my goal weight by my appointment tomorrow. For the last two days, I have been totally afraid of food. I have put food in my mouth and I end up spitting it out into a paper towel before anyone notices. Nothing big, just chips, or cookies or something. I just want to taste it without dealing with the consequences. It makes me happy that I haven't ate anything today and it's almost 9pm. I do plan on eating something after the kids go to bed. I also plan on purging it. I also took laxies for the first time ever this morning. Not for the weight loss reason, but they help. My stomach feels less full and freaking bloated. I want to wake up in the morning and be to my goal weight. Is that really so much to ask for? I skipped doing ab exercises yesterday. I was hurting too much. But a couple hours ago I did a set of 100. The first 10 killed me, but after that, I just blocked out the pain. My stomach needs to be flatter. End of story. It's not what it's supposed to be. It's disgusting, and jiggly and not what it's supposed to look like. I want to be skinny enough to have a belly button ring and it looks sexy, not repulsing. I want to look sexy and toned in a bikini. Not a big blob of mess. On a different note, I took my oldest to the Humane Society today to waste some time (and secretly, I want another dog) and I found a dog I absolutely fell in love with. She is 7 and a pit bull, and I wanted to adopt her because I know no one else will adopt an old pit. I shouldn't have gone in there in the first place. I fell in love with her even knowing I couldn't afford to take her home. So I got pissed at myself for being so stupid and doing such a thing. I even wasted 10 dollars to put her on hold til tomorrow so I could talk to T about it, when I knew that it was never going to happen. So here I sit, puppy-less, fat, and disappointed. I need to eat. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I probably will eat. I shouldn't purge. I need the nutrition. I'm going to purge. Such a freaking battle in here. Oh and thanks to a recommendation, I started reading Wintergirls. I love it. I will post more when I get further into it. So now I'm going to go not eat. Thanks for reading. Much love.

XOXO Katie