106.8... Finally

I was so relieved to see those numbers down, even if it wasn't by much, at least they were down, finally. Last night I didn't sleep well. My dreams revolved around my eating disorder. Every single one of them. So I was telling T about them this morning and for about a half hour we discussed my options and whether I wanted to get help. He had me to the point where I was ready. I even called this treatment facility in the next town over that specializes in eating disorders. No one answered, which I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing. After I called them, I went in the bathroom to get ready and I started crying. I looked at my nasty, disgusting, repulsing body in the mirror and totally backtracked. I don't think I'm ready. I'm not happy with my body. I am totally disgusted in it. I am disappointed that I ever let myself get so big to the point where I'm never going to be skinny again. I might have tried to push T away this morning and didn't even mean to. I told him that he would be better off if he didn't have to deal with me and my problems. Then he asked, "are you pushing me out." And that is when I realized that this is what I've done my whole life. I have pushed away every person who wanted to help me or ever got too close to me. I can't let myself push him out of my life. He has been so amazing and so patient through all of this. I told him I feel like I'm ruining his life with it and he told me that it isn't easy for him, but he will do anything and everything to pull me through all of this. It's an amazing feeling knowing that I have someone in my life like that, who knows me completely, and still wants to love me. I just wish that I could love me too. Ultimately, isn't that what I want? To love myself and everything about me? I want to be there. But how? Because for as long as I can remember, I've hated everything about me. I can name every single thing about me that I do not like. It's a long list too. So this morning I stayed busy with house work and running errands to avoid breakfast. By the time we got home, I did decide to eat a half of a ham sandwich. That was 130 calories. I purged that. And I'm still hungry, but I'm not going to eat at least until dinner. I'm making ham and apples for dinner. One of my favorite crockpot dinners. And way easy to purge. I need to get the kitchen organized and throw some stuff out so I can go grocery shopping tomorrow. Maybe I will take a nap. It's way too cold outside today to go for a walk, so I am going to do some ab exercises instead. I might try calling the facility back here in a bit. Maybe...

XOXO Katie