Warning: I'm depressed

No, I didn't go up today (I didn't go down neither.) I don't even really know why I'm blogging at the moment. I'm just pretty upset and I can't seem to figure out why. So this morning when we woke up, T didn't have to work again today, so I made him breakfast in bed. Ya, I know, cheesy.  But I made him a breakfast sandwich, strawberries, and bananas. And coffee. I took it in to him, on a tray and all with a little note. He seemed pretty happy about it. Then he came out after eating and asked me what I wanted to do today (as I was stuffing my fat face with 3 egg whites*purged.) I suggested we go on another hike with both my oldest and his son. So we looked up some good hike trails, picked one and headed out. Before we went up, we stopped at the store to get some bottled water and some power bars. So my dumb ass ate an entire bar, knowing that I couldn't purge it (300 cal), and felt freaking huge. So went on a 5 mile hike. 2.5 miles of it straight up hill, and then the other 2.5 miles back down. So in reality, I burned  701 calories, so my intake was -401. I should feel good about that, right? WRONG. I was/am so mad that I ate that power bar knowing I couldn't purge it. I have avoided food since. And it's 9pm. I decided to take everyone out to Carl's Jr for dinner. I wanted so bad to order a juicy cheeseburger. The whole place smelled amazing. But nope. I paid for everyone else's dinner and watched everyone else eat. T says that he feels bad that I paid and didn't eat. I told him that I was OK. The whole thing was a bad idea in the end anyway because my oldest had a total freak out and temper tantrum in the restaurant in front of everyone (all because he didn't want to eat his dinner.) So my night kinda turned to crap after that. We came home, I sent him to his room until bath time. I cleaned the hell out of the house, because that's what I do when I'm upset. Gave both my boys a bath and sent them to bed. Now I'm sitting here, hungrier than ever (I really want pizza and peanut buttercup ice cream.) But if I'm being honest, I have more than enough food in the house if I really want to eat. If I eat anything, I will purge it. I didn't go to the gym today, mainly because I didn't have time, so that's probably screwing with my head a bit. I have only done 200 crunches, so I'm a failure at that as well. I've been wearing my "fat hoodie" all afternoon. That would be my over sized, way too big for me, hoodie that I wear when I'm having a "fat day." We are probably going to turn on some Supernatural or I might read. Anything to avoid food and calories. I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. It helps me keep going. Much love.

XOXO Katie