My body hates me

That's the simplest way to put it. I ate two egg whites (34cal) and 3 strawberries (8cal) for breakfast. I didn't purge because I knew it was going to get burned off right away with my crunches and leg lifts. Looking back, I wish I would have purged. I went down and saw my mom today. It was nice. First we went to Hobby Lobby. I bought a paint by numbers for something to do in my "down time." Then we went to lunch. That's when my entire day came crashing down on me. We went to Souper Salad. Never, in my history of purging, have I ever had a problem with purging salad. Or soup for that matter. My plate consisted of a Cesar salad topped with 3 tomato pieces, cheese, black and green olives, onions, cucumbers and blue cheese dressing. Then I had 3 pieces of cauliflower and a tiny, tiny spoon full of tuna noodles. Healthy, right? Then I grabbed a small bowl full of some chicken vegetable soup. I drank a glass and a half with all that. Went to the bathroom to purge, and damned if that food didn't come back up. I tried all my "tricks" for 15 freaking minutes and NOTHING. Ugh! So after bawling my eyes out, I went back out and sat across from my mom. She was eating ice cream. Sigh, it looked so yummy. So my fat, lard ass went up and got a damn bowl of ice cream as well. Drank a half a glass of water with that. Went to the bathroom to purge, and the ONLY thing that came up was the ice cream. I was so mad, disappointed, and disgusted with myself. We left the restaurant and I was crying. So my mom thought, "hey, I will take you shopping and make you feel better." It worked while we went to try on shoes, but not clothes. I felt huge and gross in every article of clothing I put on. Walked out of Ross with a shirt. The only good thing that came out of that experience was that I learned that I am too small for a size 5 now. That's good I guess. So my whole ride back home from my moms, I cried and blared my music so loud to try to drown out the negative thoughts. T and I discussed earlier in the day that we would go to the rec center when I got home so I could work off all those damn calories. Well by the time that I got home, made dinner (for him and his son; I was NOT eating), it was past 8pm. T and I got into an argument because of my ED (again.) I can't believe how far I have dragged him into this. Maybe it would have been better had I never told him. He wants to help, and I just shoot everything he says down with my negative comments. His son and him went to Walmart to get dog food, and he came back with a surprise for me. It was a hand held mixer. He told me he knows I'm happy when I cook. It was so sweet. And I felt so bad for being so negative. While he was at Walmart, I worked out for 40 minutes, then did my 2nd set of crunches for the day. So here I am, 11:15pm, still haven't ate since lunch and I'm OK with that. I'm drinking tea instead (0cal.) Sorry for this post being so long. Much love.
XOXO Katie