To clear things up

I am not proud of this. I'm not proud of living with an eating disorder. It's not something that I just decided that would be cool to keep around. Every morning I wake up and panic. Panic about what I'm going to eat that day. Panic about what those numbers on the scale will say. I live with anxiety about every tiny aspect in my life. "How many calories does this have? How many calories did I burn on that walk? If I don't eat, and work out, then my calorie intake for the day is negative." I am not happy with myself, and I'm not just talking about physically. I feel like everything that I do in my life, I have failed at one way or another. I failed at being a daughter, that's why my dad drank and wasn't around. I failed at being a sister, that's why all my brothers hate me (except the one that's gone.) I failed at being a mother, that's why I had to place my first son up for adoption. I failed at being a wife, that's why my husband drank and didn't love me, so I had to leave. And now, to be honest, I feel like I'm failing at being a girlfriend to T. He has done nothing but be patient and loving through all of this, and I feel like I'm ruining his life with my eating disorder. All day yesterday I beat myself up over that stupid doughnut, to the point where T was so irritated with me. Late last night I was so hungry, but I fought the urge to go in the kitchen. Then T brought out chips for him to snack on, and I consumed 210 calories worth of chips. I finished the bag. And the worse part was, I couldn't purge them. They didn't want to come back up. I crawled up and hid under a blanket for the rest of the night. I want to be happy. That's all I want. To be content where I'm at with my weight and my physical appearance. To love myself like my family, my friends, and T does. To wake up and like that person in the mirror. To not pull at this and pick at that. To not have EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT revolve around food, calories, exercise, and numbers. That's where I want to be. I just wanted to share that with everyone who reads my blog that personally knows me and has attacked me for my eating disorder. I need to want this for myself before I can do it for anyone else. I have already weeded out some "friends" who have done nothing but lecture me. I am not perfect, but I am me. And that will have to do. On my final note, I want to thank Dainty for the huge amount of support she has been lately. And for my fasting buddy today. You're an amazing person! Thank you for being the friend that I needed. I haven't consumed any calories and went on a 2.5 mile walk. I'm proud of myself. Much love.

XOXO Katie