Saturday, April 28, 2012
Who's a fat cow? That would be me.
Yep. That's how I'm feeling. Not sure why. I weighed the same this morning. No more, no less. I didn't eat anything all day except munching on Pistachios until dinner tonight. I made Chicken Parmesan for dinner. I only ate half the chicken breast on top of some spaghetti with sauce. I purged it all. I am bleeding more often when I purge. I will mention that to my doctor on Monday. But I am feeling huge right now. I haven't worked out at all today. I think I will work out when my youngest goes to bed. Only another half hour til then. I need to work out. I need to stop being a fat, lazy cow all the time. Then after I work out, I will drink some tea. That way I won't be tempted to eat anything. I feel like my gut is bulging out lately. It's so disgusting. I am so disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying. I have been wanting to cut lately. Like a very strong overwhelming urge to do so. It's been so long since I have cut. T told me last night that, that is the point where he will draw the line. It feels like the only thing I will have control over. I used to think I had control over my ED. Guess I was wrong there. It's taken me over. It's scary. It's unreal. But yet comforting. Like T said. I am so torn between wanting to be better and wanting to just stay where my life is. I enjoy seeing the weight loss. And not being as big as I used to be. But then at the same time, I'm so depressed all the time. My anxiety is always heightened. I am always crying. I am always stressing about food. I love to eat. I hate to eat. That's why I purge. Because the food tastes amazing but then I don't have to deal with the calories. It's funny though, I still count calories even though I purge everything. I think that's why I am always a wreck by the end of the day. I think about all that I ate and all the calories, and I don't see that none of it has stayed and those calories really don't count. Everything is out of control. My life has spiralled out of control. Sigh, now I'm just ranting. But I guess my overall topic of today's blog; I am a fat cow. I need to go work out. End of story. Much love.
XOXO Katie
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Firstly, you need to speak to your doctor about your bleeding. Second, if there is any chance that you want to get better or think you can handle recovery then do it! I wish I could. My ED whore told me I didn't need to gain any weight if i didn't want to. I just needed to eat three times a day (low cal obviously - although now that I think about it... this sounds tricksy) and not lose anymore. :) Whatever you want, I'm here for you! Xo
ReplyDeleteYou aren't a fat cow, at all. Just take deep breaths and try not to worry - focus on the fact that you HAVEN'T cut and that you WILL work out - all the good things :) I think you should definitely mention to your doctor about the bleeding - it doesn't sound good! You aren't fat and I hope you feel better soon :)
ReplyDeleteLottie x
I know how you feel. I hate to eat and I love to eat. That is why I purge too. Stay strong love <3
ReplyDeletethank you for writing such nice comments on my blog. stuff like that really helps me get through the day sometimes.
ReplyDelete<3! if you are a fat cow, then I am a fat elephant, and I'm not a fat elephant :P.. <3 hope you talked to the doc about the bleeding! x
ReplyDelete