FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!

"Failure. Weak. Cow. Lousy mother, girlfriend, daughter." I woke up to 106.6. "Stupid." How could this have happened? I didn't binge last night. I avoided it. It can't be water weight because I barely drank any yesterday. At the bar last night I had a half of a hamburger and a few onion rings and only one drink. I didn't purge. "Idiot." I said I didn't want to see the same numbers on the scale but this is not what I meant at all. I should have purged. "Failure." I am ruining everything in my life because of this self hatred I have for myself. I am so consumed with the numbers, the calories, the disappointment. "Selfish." I really am selfish aren't I? I am overtaken by my eating disorder and depression that I am not doing what I need to do for those around me. "Lazy." I have a hard time doing my daily activities because all I think about is what the scale said that morning, or the calories I have or haven't consumed, whether or not the shirt I'm wearing shows off my fat, if I should exercise. Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning with the mindset of how much you fail at everything? I have never met anyone with the self hatred that I have. I should have purged that burger last night. "Too late now. It's attached to your fat ass now." I need to lose it. I was only 4 pounds away. Now I'm 6.6 pounds away. "Ha, you're never going to make it to your goal." My goal is just a delusion. A fantasy. Something that I only dream about but will never come true. I have everything a girl could want in this world. I wonderful, supportive, sexy man. Two beautiful, healthy boys. A loving, supportive family. A roof over my head. But if I keep up this self destructive behavior, I will lose it all. I came to the realization that maybe all my friendships and past relationships have failed because of me. Who wants to be around a fat person who is consumed by self pity? "You're going to end up alone. Everyone hates you." I'm over this shit. I've never been this low. I've been low before, but this, well this is rock bottom. I just need to slap a smile on and be happy for everyone else, so I don't lose the few people who still love me. Tomorrow... Yes... I will be down tomorrow.... If not... Then I am going to do something about it... That scale will read lower numbers tomorrow.... "Keep dreaming Katie." My dreams aren't even safe from my eating disorder anymore. I dream about it. I dream that I lose T because he can't handle me anymore. I am NO LONGER in control. And frankly, I'm scared of that.