Maintaing

So I decided I am not going to title this blog with words of how upset I am about not losing anymore weight. Even though I am beyond frustrated with it, it's OK. I think... T took me to Red Lobster last night. I purged it 3 times, then we went to the bar. Whenever I drink, I need to eat something and usually that is the only time I keep food down. Not last night. I had onion rings and purged those. Along with alcohol, it wasn't very pleasant. I have been obsessing so much about every bit of my calorie intake. It's getting tiring. I went to a Women of Faith Seminar today. It was very inspiring. But during out lunch break, I was having such an anxiety attack about what to eat that I almost started crying in the gas station. I walked out with a small bag of chili cheese Frito's and an egg salad sandwich. I ate half the bag and most of the sandwich (which was nasty soggy.) I purged it until the point there was no more. But write now, as I am writing this. I'm having an episode. I am starving. I have a long list of stuff in my kitchen right now that I just want to purge; Ham and Cheese Hot Pocket Subs, Puffy Cheetos, Eggs, Sushi, Pizza, Cookies, Pancakes. All of this stuff is yelling at me to come eat it. The only thing that I don't have here that I have been wanting so bad lately is a big juicy cheeseburger from Carl's Jr. It seems this last week I have been having an overwhelming urge to binge. I haven't binged in so long that it feels so wrong to want to. I can't give in. I wish my youngest could just go to bed already so I could go take a bath or something. I want to work out. I want to read. I want to do anything but walk into the kitchen and grab something to eat. Damn it, now I'm crying. Like seriously? WTF?!?! This shit is way out of control. I don't know how to handle it anymore. I should not have this unhealthy of a relationship with food. Why can't I just wake up and be happy with myself? Not constantly be worrying about how many calories certain foods have. It's becoming overwhelming, exhausting and above all, stressful. I can't be happy. And until I get a grip on all of this, I won't be happy. I'm over being miserable. Just shoot me now.