Who am I anyway?

Last night I was doodling. Everything that came out on that piece of paper was written in third person. "You're ugly. You're fat. You're a failure. You're chunky." Am I even myself anymore? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but I just don't know. It's Ana's voice. But it sounds like mine. Am I failing everyone? Because I'm not skinny enough? Or am I failing everyone because they are getting sick of hearing all this shit? I purged my dinner last night (ramen noodles.) But I felt like it didn't all come up. So at 10:30pm, I was working out just so I didn't keep those calories in me. T was looking at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I've gone over the edge and I just don't care anymore? I'm so lost. 100 = Perfection. Not 104. That's an ugly number to me. 104 is NOT good enough. Question is, will 100 be good enough? Will I ever even see that number? It seems so far out of reach even though it's only 4lbs. I've been doing 400 crunches a day. Why isn't my stomach getting flatter? I am trying so hard, and for what? For that number to be 100? Even if I did get there, it's not going to be enough. Never enough. Always pushing myself to be better. Skinnier. Prettier. I am going to try doing a project. I'm going to start a binder. Completely dedicated to my ED. Everything from thinspo, to writings. Anything and everything that describes my life with ED. For a couple reasons. The first being so maybe T can get a little better insight to what goes on in my head. The next reason being, if I do ever get better, I want to have this as a reminder of what used to be. And how I, just like many others, could possibly get past this. It's just an idea. I think it's a good one. Also, I found a red band today. Nothing fancy, just a rubberband. I don't plan on taking it off. Thank you Lottie for some insight. Yesterday was 7 months for T and I. But both of us spaced it out and remembered it today. So he wants to take me out to dinner tonight. The only thing I have ate today was a banana (purged) and the inside of a hot pocket (purged.) I know that sounds weird, but I only wanted the ham and cheese from the inside. Not all the carbs and calories of the bread. So now I'm sitting here. Feeling pretty blah. I think I'm going to go do 200 crunches before the little one wakes up from his nap. Thank you all for your comments. Much love.

XOXO Katie