103 exact

Normally I would be happy about this. Normally I would be jumping up and down with joy. Guess that's one thing about me lately; nothing I do is normal. Nothing I feel is normal. All these thoughts, all the obsessing over numbers, the way I feel about myself, none of it's normal. I went for a follow up doctors appointment yesterday. He finally decided to start me on Prozac and then another medication strictly just for anxiety, but he told me to only take that one when I have no responsibilities or there is someone around to help with the kids because it's going to make me sleepy and confused. Hmm. Don't know how I feel about that one. He told me that people with an eating disorder usually take the full 60mg of Prozac, but he wants me to be on 40mg for a month before he decides to move me up. So fantastic, I'm on crazy pills. Pills that will most likely make me feel like a zombie and probably make me gain weight. If I gain weight on these stupid things, I'm going to freak. Last night, I had a total anxiety attack. I was so hungry, but it was around 11pm and that was just a bad combination. So like the fat pig I am, I grabbed a jar of peanut butter and just dove in with my damn fingers. Ugh, disgusting, I know. But then I freaked. Because I know that I can't purge peanut butter very easily. So at midnight I decided to make me Ramen Noodles. I know that was probably a horrible idea. I ate a whole bowl full, then went to purge. Ugh, the peanut butter was so unpleasant. After I got out of the restroom, it lead to a huge discussion with T. Which ultimately ended in an argument. Fuck, I wish those would just stop already. His dad emailed us some links with some videos he took last week of all of us, and wow, do I look freaking unhappy. When T and I first got together, his dad took a video of all of us, and I was so full of light, so happy, and full of a smiles. These videos we watched last night, well I look depressed. I'm barely smiling. You can tell the smiles I do have are forced. Why is that? What do I have to be unhappy about? Besides the fact that I can't stand my body. I can't stand myself as a person. But everyone around me loves me. It's frustrating because I know that I could possibly lose T because of this and nothing is changing. I want so badly to be happy and full of light again. I want our relationship to be healthy. I want to love myself. But instead, here I sit, 103lbs and still not satisfied. I was looking at my stats yesterday and the first recorded one I have on here was 120lbs at the beginning of February. I know that I started out the year at 125lbs. So in 5 months, I have lost 22lbs. Why is this not good enough? Why does ED and Ana keep telling me to keep going? I'm so freaking overwhelmed. I have been doing everything for everyone else all week this week. I can't say no to anyone. That is a big problem of mine. One day. For myself. To do everything for myself. That's what I need. A restart, refresh day; for myself. Yep. Alright, sorry for this post being so long. I will update tomorrow. Much love.

Ever feel like jumping?

XOXO