Thursday, May 31, 2012
Curl up and hide
Yep, that's pretty much what I want to do. I took my oldest to the doctor today to have him evaluated for what I believe is Aspergers. This morning, I wrote down a long list of concerns that I have regarding him. Ones that I didn't think tied into his already diagnosed ADHD. So when I got to the doctors office, I hand the doctor my findings, and he hands me questioners to fill out. After I hand them back to him, and a very long ten minutes later he says to me, "Well Katie, not only do I believe he has Aspergers, I also believe he is Bipolar, and has Conduct Disorder." After explaining to me what Conduct Disorder was, seeing that is the only one I haven't heard of, I broke down and started crying. Here is a link that explains what it is. So here I was thinking that my son just had a form or Autism, but in reality, he is as screwed up in the head as I am. Maybe my mental illnesses of depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive behaviors is genetic and I messed him up. The doctor kept reassuring me that this is a nature thing, not nurture, and that I have done a perfect job at raising him all by myself. The doctor wrote me up a referral for a child psychiatrist because he believes he's way beyond a councilor. But of course, this is me just being me, but I can't help but wonder, where did I go wrong? Some of these things point to abuse, which scares me what goes on when he's at his dads. I've been trying to contact his dad for 3 days now with no such luck. What an asshole. So I took my oldest to the library and I checked out several books on Aspergers and Bipolar. There were none on Conduct Disorder, so I will do that research online. I have been crying on and off all day. This isn't fair to him. He is such a bright child. But does have a lot of issues. I'm just glad we discovered them now instead of later in life. On another note, I have had around 300 calories today. And I still haven't ate dinner. So I'm doing pretty well if I do say so myself. While at the library, I checked out some fiction books on eating disorders as well. I don't know which one I will read first seeing as researching stuff for my son comes first, but we will see. I also started writing my book yesterday. I got the prologue done. Yay. I am still at 96.4lbs. That's fine by me. I will see my therapist tomorrow, so we will see if I go up by then. Probably not. I do plan on going running tonight. I need some alone time without everyone surrounding me so I can think and get my head on straight. God has put too much on my plate, and now I have to figure out how to make it all work out at once. Much love.
XOXO Katie
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh Katie, my heart goes out to you right now, you have a lot to deal with and its easy to blame yourself, but darling - it is not your fault. You could not control this any more than you can control what gender your son was born. The doctor is right, you are a brilliant mother, and it is a good thing he has been diagnosed now rather than later, so you can support him and help him live a happy and full life. The ED makes it easier to blame ourselves, but I assure you this is not your fault, or your sons fault. You are a good mother so I pray that you stay strong, for your boys, I know you can get through this.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with everything,
thinking of you xx
I literally cried reading this. I know it was nothing you did wrong but it is just natural to wonder what happened. *hugs* you need that hug right now. Don't worry he has a chance at having a normal life. Especially since you guys caught it early. As for his biological dad ugh how dare he. Smh, not gonna waste my time on that.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great with slowly gaining. The way I eat I think it would be overwhelming my system and gain it all in just a few short weeks.
By the way I can't remember if I mentioned this on the last blog. I think 115lb is a good weight for you. Don't worry you are great mommy and everything is going to work out just fine.
I'm sorry hun :/
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad you've caught it now though. You're obviously a good parent. It seems you care for your children. You took your son to see a doctor and because you did you can now get him the help he needs. Don't feel bad because you haven't done anything wrong. My mom says this also. One of her kids died, one keeps trying to kill himself and refuses to do anything with his life and I somehow always end up on the suicidal/anxious/overwhelmed end of things. and I don't think of her as a failure of a mother. Even if we live in not the best of conditions with not much money. I know she worked hard as I was growing up, sure she wasn't there for everything but I don't blame her. The only thing I get mad at her for is for having me in the first place, but I don't like to say that out loud. Please don't blame yourself. By reading your posts I can tell that you're caring and you wouldn't do anything to hurt your children.
btw, You're intake is amazing(:
I'm hoping for you<3 XOXO Stay strong
It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders right now. But like the doctor said, it's not your fault--nature and not nurture. It sounds like you are an excellent mother, which will help your son immeasurably.
ReplyDelete<3
Oh my, that's hard one. So sorry to hear about your son, it's so hard when he's just a kid. But like you said, good to notice it at this point. It shows that you're really paying attention, caring and being aware of things which is good. I wish my mom would have been the same but no - she saw me crying, she saw my cuts and all she did was complain about the bed sheets I hadn't taken to the laundry and never saying a word about what she saw.
ReplyDeleteIt's not your fault and it might be the natures cruel way to give you a change to use your lessons with your ed. Things will be better <3
I'm so sorry Katie, that must have been such a shock for you and you are right, better find out now rather than later.You have so much to deal with right now so please don't blame yourself, this is something beyond your control.
ReplyDeleteFrom reading your blog you sound like an amazing mother and your boys are blessed to have as you are to have them. You are a tough cookie and I just know you will get through this.
I am here anytime,
Big virtual hug xxx
Sweetie... :/ I am so sorry this all is happening to you right now. What a terribly troubling thing to learn and deal with. But you're not alone, love. Remember that. Things will be okay for your son and you. And I really don't think it has anything to do with your parenting. You seem to always put your sons first, and that quality alone in a mother is outstanding.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever finish and publish your book I'd love reading it <3 ^_^
Please take care right now darling <3 Hang in there.
-Emma
I am so sorry I know the guilt that comes along with this. When my 8 year old was 9 months old he fell off my porch in his walker and got a skull fracture. The fracture did not require surgery or anything but just time for the huge blood clot and pressure to go away. As he has grown up you can tell a huge different between him and his twin sister, emotionally and socially. He is very smart academically just does not have the skills he needs to function calmly. I have been working with doctors and counselor and others for 4 years now to try and get him the help he need to become a wonder strong willed adult. He has taken many meds but for now he is on Paxil (yes my 8 year old is on Paxil)and Adderall. He is actually just finishing up his first month on addreall. Stay strong hun that is the best thing you can do for him. Help him and teach him that just because he has these issues he still needs to be a loving caring person that people are going to love in return. Email me is you ever need to vent trust me I realy do get this guilt feeling.
ReplyDeleteHow old is you son that the Dr thinks has bi-polar? That's quite the diagnosis if he's not past puberty. Most won't even go there until they have gone through all the emotional changes. Mental illness runs strong in my family and right now we are working with 4 of our kids on different mental health issues. It's heart breaking some time because it's so easy to blame myself. I know it comes from my side of the family so I tend to put it all on my like I cursed them somehow. Nomatter what they diagnosis him with he will be ok. He will still be a wonderful kid and grow into a great man. Try not to beat yourself up over it. I know hard but remember where you get your straigth. God will not let you down. I'm hear for you. Email me anytime.
ReplyDeleteHey Katie,
ReplyDeleteI was really sending out good vibes for you, in the hopes that things would get better... I'm so sad to hear of the diagnoses he has been given, but remember, doctors these days like to put labels on people rather quickly.. I agree with the above commenter about the bi-polar, how old is he? I am sending you much strength and love to help you get through this.. you sound like an amazing mother and he will get through this with you there by his side.
Take time out for yourself, read your books when you can, to give yourself a change of pace from all the facts that you're trying to absorb about these disorders.
Which books did you take out? I just got a library membership and checked out Looks (can't remember the author), which is kind of a young adult book, but I wanted something lighter and easy to absorb and Biting Anorexia, by Lucy Howard-Taylor, I think it is.
I truly wish you all the best and all the strength that you need to get through everything that you are going through. My heart goes out to you. My son was diagnosed with Marcus-Gunn syndrome today, which I guess pales in comparison, but at the end of the day, they're our children and we just want them to be completely healthy and happy and free from *any* diagnoses. I know it's hard *virtual hugs coming your way* xxx
Oh dear, you might don't know me personally but i want to say that i admire your resiliency. As much as your son needs medication you should never neglect yourself too. Just in case that your situation escalates just go to any bulimia rehab.
ReplyDelete