Sunday, May 13, 2012

Hello again, ANA

So just as I suspected, today isn't what it's all hyped up to be. I woke up to the house completely trashed by my puppy. Toilet paper, my TWO favorite pairs of shoes; completely destroyed and in pieces all over the house. My youngest woke up with something very weird going on with him (but I'm not going to write about it until I take him to the doc tomorrow.) I woke T up with coffee and breakfast. He told me that he wanted to make me breakfast since it's mother's day. That was sweet to offer, but I beat him to the punch and made his lol. While he ate, I went and jumped in the shower. I did my morning ritual by stripping down and got on the scale. Still read 100lbs. I can't tell if I'm finally over this number and want to lose, or I just can't understand why I haven't lost. It's not that I really want to lose anymore. But with how much ANA has been around, you would think it would make a difference. She has been yelling at me all day. Telling me how horrible those jeans looked on me, that my arm fat is disgusting, that I should wear a hoodie all day so everyone doesn't have to see how gross I look. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Instead of enjoying my day and feeling wonderful and beautiful, I feel repulsing. My intake for the day so far is -80cal. It's almost 4pm. I'm starving. That's OK. I can't imagine putting anything into me so close to dinner. After T gets home from the movies, I am making chicken alfredo for dinner. Not for myself of course. Nope. I will have 1.5 cups of salad with a few pieces of chicken in it. No dressing. Too many calories. ANA is telling me to not put the chicken in it. And to do 1 cup instead. That's only 10cal. A 10cal dinner? No, that's not right. I can at least put the chicken in it. This is how it's been all day. That's why I have only had my egg whites and kiwi at 8am this morning. I'm empty. I'm trying not to think about the burrito that T bought me a couple days. My favorite breakfast burrito ever. No. Just stop thinking about it now. I plan on working out tonight. Make my calories even more negative. I can't get fat. I need to. I will one day. Just not now. Or anytime soon. I'm going to go lay down instead. Maybe I can fall asleep for an hour and that will take away my hunger. I will stop thinking about food. I will not get on Pinterest and look at food porn. Well maybe just for a few minutes. No one else is around. It won't hurt anyone. Just like it wouldn't matter to anyone if I went in the kitchen and ate the chocolate fudge pudding, or a chocolate chip cookie, or 5. Alright, that's enough rambling. Thank you to my new followers. Much love.
XOXO Katie


  1. I can identify a lot with what you said about ana shouting in your ear. She is ever present in my head. Always there to put me down or tell me I'm not good enough or thin enough. I constantly have the t.v or the radio on in an attempt to drown her out.

    Love your blog,

    Lots of lovexxx

  2. i try not to get too hyped about mother's day. it's one of those days that never lives up to the expectations. i just look like it as anything positive that happens is a bonus that way it's all good!
    good that you ate the egg whites for the protein. i'm hoping you did put even just a bit of the chicken in your salad to add to your protein for the day...your brain needs it to function clearly. hope your son is feeling better today too!

  3. Hi there, I hope your little one is ok and its nothing serious!
    Stay strong beautiful <3


  4. I always wanted to ask this. Who is T?

  5. It sounds like your doing really fantastic :) 100lbs is what i weigh, lets get back down to the 90's!! xx

  6. Pintrest as food porn, I do that sometimes too or just looking at all the yummy desserts I want to devour. So much better than acutally eating food. Stay strong! <3