Thursday, May 10, 2012
UGW met... Still a failure
Just a heads up, this might possibly be long. And scattered. And I honestly don't know where to begin. I have so many feelings, so many emotions, so many words, but don't know how to put it. So first things first... I reached my goal. I got on the scale this morning and it read 100 exact. Yay for determination! I finally did it. All that hard work, and I made it. So... why am I not as happy about it as I thought I would be? Well for a couple different reasons. First thing is, T took me clothes shopping as my mothers day present. Well that turned out to be detrimental for everyone involved. The first couple pairs of shorts I grabbed off the rack were a size 3 because I was a 5 last time. Too big... So I grabbed a couple pairs of 0/1... Too big. I grabbed 5 shirts in a size small. Too big! By the time we left Ross I was so beyond frustrated. So then we went to Arc, and absolutely nothing fit either. T finally suggested that I look in the girls section. Not the juniors because that's what I was wearing, but the actual little girls. Talk about a walking freak show. Sure enough...they fit... But screw that. I am almost 23 years old. I should not be buying little girls jeans. So we came home and I was so beyond frustrated. The other reason why I'm not happy is; here I am, at my ultimate goal weight. My 100lbs I have been working so hard for, and guess what? I still feel disgusting. But on a whole 'nother level. There are some things that still need to go away. Like my jiggly thighs. It would be wonderful if those would just tone up already. The other thing is my pouch at the bottom of my stomach. But in other aspects, I am sickly skinny. I know none of this probably makes sense to anyone. Here is my ultimate issue: I NEVER thought that I actually would make it to 100. So that's why I kept fighting so hard for it. I NEVER thought I would see 120, or 110. So a friend asked me today, "You wanted to be 100, right? So what did you expect?" I never expected to get here. And then I made it here, and I am STILL NOT HAPPY!!! What the hell is wrong with me?!?! This is what I wanted. And a small part of me felt accomplished to see that number this morning. But all this hard work and my self image and self hatred hasn't changed. It's all so overwhelming. So yesterday I vowed that I would make a step forward. I was going to go a whole day without purging. So yesterday morning I ate 2 egg whites, a very small kiwi and my coffee with cream and sugar for breakfast. Total=98cals. Then dinner I had a couple pieces of roast beef. Total=70cals. So my total for the day was 168cals. But I walked a lot yesterday so my net ended up being -242. I was proud of myself because I had not purged and still ended up negative. Today's been a bit of a different story. T and I went out for breakfast. I had half of an egg white omelet(89), yogurt with granola(125) and 3/4ths of a whole grain pancake(79). Total=293cals. Then about an hour ago we went to McDonald's and I had half a small fry(115) and two bites of his sandwich(20cal) Total=135. So far today I have had an intake of 428cals. OMG I am freaking the hell out!!!! I have already cried about it twice. Mainly because it's only 4pm. There is still dinner. I have walked a couple miles today (-181cal). So my net for today SO FAR is 247cals... I can't believe I'm doing this. I am happy but on another level, I know that if I keep doing this, I am going to gain weight... I don't want to. I want to be better. But I want to stay at my current weight. See, none of this makes sense. Like I said, long and scattered. So for now, I'm ending this post. I don't know what I'm looking for in posting all of this. Encouragement for making a step forward? Or encouragement for sticking with ED, ANA, and MIA for so long and making it to my goal weight? Shit, I don't know anymore. Thanks for sticking with me through all of this. Much love.
XOXO
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I think the issue is that you are thin but there are parts you don't like. So, instead of focusing on the number you should focus on toning etc to fix those parts you don't like. Chances are losing weight won't change those parts but strength training etc will. As for as maintaining. If it's not realistic for you to actually eat and be 100 lbs that is a problem...because clearly you are gong to need to eat to live. It's important to try to find that balance between thin and healthy. Which clearly you are thin if you fit into kids clothes and if fitting into kids clothes frustrates you then maybe try to be okay with being a little bit heavier but then working on the toning to fix the body parts you don't like. All easier said then done I know. It's a mind thing. It really is and it's often not rational what we think we want. I sometimes don't like it but when someone objective outside of my situation makes a rational comment sometimes it helps me to see things clearly. Even if I disagree at least it brings in a new dialogue into my thought process.
ReplyDeletewell said miranda! i think what you wrote will be helpful to many of us here dealing with this problem. perspective and balance is a difficult concept at best.
ReplyDeletekatie, every thing you wrote makes perfect sense to those of us with ed's. it's such a viscous cycle that we all endure. if you can shift your focus away from purging and onto toning your body you may see that the nutrients from the food you eat are the ones your body needs and holds onto and may give you what you are looking for in your appearance. it may allow your weight to shift while still keeping the control.
Dear Katie and every girl reading this,
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful. Your weight has nothing to do with your value. You were made uniquely you just as you are. There is a God who deeply desires for each of you to see you the way He sees you. Each one of you is precious. You were made to be loved by Jesus not to be loved by this world. This world will suck the very life you were given right out of you.
I totally agree with Miranda and Shebeelu. I totally understand where you're coming from as well babe. And it is really difficult for us with EDs to rationalize our thoughts about why we feel the way we do and feel the way we feel about ourselves. Believe me babe I know how hard it is to give up purging when it's the only way that you know how to lose anything. But both of these ladies that posted before me I think are right and offer really good advice. Hang in there beautiful. Everything is going to be ok <3
ReplyDeleteHi there ^^ thanks for the follow <3 , I just wanna say I really agree with Miranda and Shebeelu too, their comments really made me think about my own situation , and I really hope it helps you ^^ Were all here giving you our support beautiful, and even though you dont feel completely happy with your acheavement, serious congratulations on making the 100 ^^ you diserve to feel happy in your body and youve come a long long way.
ReplyDeleteStay strong and good luck <3
Breathe~
Dear Katie, all this makes perfect sense to me. I believe everyone has experienced being torn between two completely different feelings. Sometimes it's hard to be happy when there are things bothering us.
ReplyDeleteI will support you no matter what, but let me say this. Saying no to purging is a great decision!
Love
~ Meg