Making changes (kinda)

I'm sorry it's been a few days. I saw my therapist on Tuesday. It wasn't a good session. She was extremely upset with the fact I had lost 4lbs since seeing her last. Most of our conversation revolved at where she was going to send me inpatient due to the fact she doesn't believe I want to get better. Only 4 facilities in the US accept my insurance, so it would be out of state. I wouldn't see the boys. I wouldn't see T or my family. In all honestly, I felt upset and pissed at her. I know she is trying to help, but damn it. So that night we went to Golden Coral for dinner. I had 3 anxiety attacks that day before we even made it there, and a couple afterwards. I managed to eat almost 200 calories but I was still negative due to the fact I worked out all day planning for that night. But I ate. And I didn't purge, and I didn't work out after the fact. Yesterday was a very active day. I was already 200 negative calories before noon. I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon. He wants to keep me on the 40mg of the Prozac for a little while longer. But then the whole conversation turned on me. After him talking to my therapist and T, he told me in a very blunt voice, "Katie, either you gain weight or your only option will be to go inpatient. You can't take care of your kids in the state that you are currently in, how do you expect to if you lose anymore weight?" Thank you captain obvious. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm seeing a therapist. That's why I'm attempting to eat more. I know all these obsessive compulsive behaviors need to stop. I get this! So needless to say, I left in tears. Last night T's dad took us to Chilli's for dinner. Instead of ordering something healthy, I ordered something fattening and chalked full of calories. I ate 2 chicken crisper's, some of my salad, and chips and salsa. 600 calories. T told me that if I could eat a good amount of calories at dinner then he gave me permission to workout for a bit last night. But after my workout, I ended up negative calories again. We got into a fight. I told him that I bet I had gained regardless of how negative I was. When you have a problem like me, you can tell when you gain weight. You can feel the fat bubbling around your tummy and your thighs. And despite my workout, I felt that. I knew in my mind that I had gained. We went to bed upset at each other. One thing I hate doing. I got on the scale this morning, and guess what?!?! I gained. 1 whole pound. I am now 97.8lbs. I didn't cry. I didn't completely freak out. My heart rate accelerated, but I talked myself out of it. This is what needs to happen so I don't go inpatient and so I don't die. I just need time. All of this isn't going to happen over night. Everyone wants me at 115lbs. I don't know how I feel about that just yet, but we will see. Again, sorry for it being so long in between posts. Much love.
XOXO Katie