I spent the whole day with my mom yesterday. I didn't worry about what I ate (ok that's a lie) but I didn't dwell on it. We shopped off everything we ate anyway. Retail therapy will do wonders. I felt good yesterday. Refreshed. Thinking that recovery is possible. I worked out last night, but not that much because my stomach was killing me (probably too much food for one day.) By the end of the night, I was 250cal positive. T was happy with it. He has been watching me so much lately. Woke up this morning in an off mood. I thought maybe it was the weather, or the nightmares I was having last night. Stripped down, got on the scale and that horrid thing read 99lbs exact. 1 and half pounds in a day?!?! Two and a half pounds in 2 days?!?! WTF? This is happening too fast. I can't gain weight this fast. It scares me. It took so much work and so long to get down to 96lbs and now it's like it was all for nothing. I understand that I need to get better, but not like this. If I keep going at this rate, I will be back up to 140 in a month! This gaining weight shit needs to slow down. I had a million and one errands and appointments today, and despite me feeling like crap today, I have been going all day. I have been throwing up. I feel like maybe I'm coming down with the 24 hour flu or something. I've been drinking a lot of coffee today because I have been so tired. I don't know how I feel about recovery today. Yesterday it was possible, today it seems like something out of the question. I wonder if it's going to varry like this from day to day. That's ok. Yesterday was a start. Who knows about tomorrow. I'm doing what needs to be done to keep me from going inpatient, that's what matters. I know this doesn't sound like the right outlook on things today, but like I said, I'm off today. I bought a new book today called "Purge; Rehab diaries." I read a bit of it while at Barnes And Nobel. I'm pretty excited to read it. I don't know if I'm going to eat dinner tonight. I don't feel good. I just want to curl up with my book under a blankie and drink tea. That sounds amazing. Much love.
XOXO Katie
Hey hun, can I add you to MFP!?!
ReplyDeleteHey, sounds like yesterday was a good day, retail therapy always cheers me up too, it is scary putting it on at first, maybe it will get easier? I hope you feel better soon, much love xx
ReplyDeleteYou have my thoughts extactly. You worked so hard to get there. I sometimes wish the body was made to survive on no food. I am sure most of the weight is just water. It will only be bad when it comes to going past water weight. Then it will stick around.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing well but I am no doctor. That is why I am like why not let people take tiny steps. Can't do a hostel take over all at once.
I say continue to slowly increase your calories. Then on top t=of that it is probably best with the tiny tummy you have. Don't want you to hurt again.
I'm sorry today wasn't so good :/ Recovery is an everyday battle but you will make it and it will be worth it! All my support <3
ReplyDeletehey katie,
ReplyDeleteI've had this experience too, rapid weight gain. I think it is the body trying to hold on to as much calories as possible. It does even off though so don't worry. You are doing the right thing. I'm in a sort of limbo at the moment, not in recovery but kind of in recovery if that makes sense.
Keep going girl,
Lots of love xxx