I was finally able to cry today

All it takes is for it to be the 18th of the month and that got me crying. Today marks 9 months since my brother, Chris, was killed. The only brother who talked to me and loved me. Out of the four I have. It's not fair. I know this sounds fucked up, but why couldn't it have been the brother who molested me for 2 years? At least I wouldn't miss him. My mom would though. You know, I tried telling her once about Jeremy molesting me. She denied it. Told me there is no way he could do that. And that was the end of that. She refuses to hear about it now and probably still doesn't believe me. Just like when I told my dad about his brother raping me when I was 7. He denied that. Told me that I was making things up. And the 19 year old who raped me when I was 12. I went to the cops about him. They didn't believe me. Then I made one small comment about rather being dead then dealing with the memories. They locked me up in a mental facility for 2 weeks. When I was 12! My dad didn't visit me while I was there. He was ashamed of it. Ashamed of me. Kinda like how I feel everyone is now. I'm the daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, mother with an eating disorder. I was thinking today.... Why are eating disorders so taboo? It's obviously common enough for the world to acknowledge it as a whole. But when it comes to an individual having it, I'm looked down upon. I'm sick. I know this. I'm trying to get better. They don't see that. Like a girl said today, my body is craving to gain weight, but my mind is telling it no. ANA is telling it no. It's almost 7pm and I have had a half a cup of coffee this morning. That's it. I'm punishing myself for shoveling peanut butter down my throat last night when no one was watching. For going through an entire big bag of Doritos but not actually eating them, just enjoying the flavor of them. My therapist wants me to stop this. I can't. She wanted me to stop looking at food porn. I can't. My excuse for that is I find so many awesome recipes that I cook for the family on there. I walked quite a bit today. Ran a lot of errands. Picked up more Prozac. Ugh. I hate those things. My dad took my oldest and I to an Italian Deli for lunch, I didn't get anything. It all smelled so wonderful. I could have ate an entire freaking pizza. But nope, I sat there and watch them enjoy their food. It sucks. My best friend says to me today, "If I could just get to 110lbs, I would be happy." I said to her, "Would you? I said the same thing. Here I am at 98lbs, still not happy." I need to eat. I have been craving peanut butter fudge all freaking day. What is up with the peanut butter lately? Ugh. It's so high in calories. T tells me to just shut it all down and eat. God, I wish it was so simple. I wish I could just forget about the calories in food and just eat it. Enjoy a delicious juicy burger from Carl's Jr and be content. But no. That would send me spirling downward. I don't know if Chris would be disappointed in me for how I am. One of our last conversations we had in person the last time he was in state was he told me my ass looked fat. Told me that I needed to only take one serving of food. Little did he know that it didn't matter how much I ate, I was throwing it up later. So maybe he would tell me how good I look and acknowlege all the weight I have lost (even if it is not the "right" way.) Alright, that's enough of that. I miss him. I love him. And I want so bad to hug him again. We will see each other soon enough Chris. Until then, "Keep on truckin." Much love.
XOXO Katie