Sunday, May 27, 2012
Another pound down and ER visit
I ended up in the ER last night. I have been having this recurring pain in my right rib cage. After an xray and talking to the doctor, she ruled it as a chest strain? Like a pulled muscle or something. She didn't seem at all concerned about my weight. Which makes me wonder just how well they pay attention to their patients. I'm not sure if this visit is at all related to my eating disorder, but the doctor most definitely didn't seem to think so. I didn't eat anything yesterday. I tried eating soup after I got home late last night from the hospital, but with the Vicoden they gave me, I couldn't do it. It tasted nasty. My stomach was angry at me for not feeding it, but I just couldn't eat. Woke up this morning still in a great amount of pain. Stripped down to take a shower. I just stared at myself in the mirror. I am so disgusting. I have no boobs anymore. My eyes are so dark. I hate myself just as much, if not more, than I did almost 50lbs ago. I hate the way I look. I hate what I'm putting everyone through. I need to beat this shit because it's killing every aspect of my life. But guess what, ANA is winning this fight today. Or is it MIA? Probably both. I ate egg whites and a kiwi, and I'm fighting this urge to purge. Why does this have to be so difficult? I am going to a graduation party this afternoon, and there's going to be food there. A lot of food. Everyone there knows about my problem. People watch me. I weighed in at 94.4lbs this morning. This shit needs to stop. I have no boobs. You can count each on of my ribs. You can see my pelvis and my hip bones are very noticable. My arms are just skin on top of bone. But guess what? I still think my stomach and legs are disgusting and fat. I can't win. I can't do this. Today I feel defeated. And it's only 11:30am. My car is still stuck at the hospital. I'm relying on my dad for a ride to go get it. I don't know why I rely on him for anything. I called him 2 hours ago and he told me he would call me right back. I feel like I have no fight in me today. I can't pick my youngest up because of this pain on my right side. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and tell him about my pain. I ate an Oreo. Fat, fat, fat!!! UGH! I am throwing in the towel today.
XOXO
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
hun, I feel for you so much, it must be horrible to have people watching you - try to ignore them the best you can, you are beautiful - this disorder tells us we are disgusting, you are not. I bet your partner loves you, at 50lbs heavier or 50lbs lighter. I hope you feel better, the pain sounds worrying do see your doctor, it could be a hernia.. I hope you feel better soon, lots of love xxx
ReplyDeletehey Katie,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you had to go to the ER and am glad it wasn't too serious.
I know the feeling of hating your appearance, I think I hated my own equally at my highest and lowest weight.
I really hope things get better for you and I have no doubt they will,
Hang in there x
I can't even begin to tell you how much it irritates me if doctors don't immediately associate my problems with my ED. I went to the doctor the other day about a contraceptive implant and she said it could be a problem if my arms were too skinny, so she asked to see mine. And then she was like yup, that's fine. OOO lord, let me tell you, I have always thought my arms to be decently skinny, but FUCK her. I hope you feel better baby. Always here if you need me. Katie - look after yourself. Because no one else will. Xo
ReplyDeleteThe pain in your rib is from continually vomiting I know been there & your close to the end honey I'm scared for your life I've been there soon very soon your body will begin to shut down. I love you to pieces but I really shake the shit out of you & get you to wake up...get help NOW before you pay the ultimitate price with your life......i was within 24hrs of dying so yes I can say this from exp...god plz protect her
ReplyDeleteOh honey, try and be careful. You don't need any more stress on top of the inpatient/kids post. I hope the pain goes away soon and that it was nothing <3 xxx
ReplyDeletefuck I feel for you so much... It makes me feel terribly guilty for slipping out of recovery... but, I'm too far in to get out, I can't stand myself any more... But, I have also been within hours of death.. 48 and I was so dazed and out of it, that it didn't register, I don't remember any fear.. but your family will remember it and I know you already feel so bad for their pain, so I'm not going to say any more on that, we destroy ourselves enough with the guilt of other peoples pain. Please reach out and fight. I'm thinking of you <3
ReplyDeletewhat's your height at hun?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry honey! You are so kind, and it just breaks my heart to read this post! You are not fat; not at all. I know it doesn't matter what I say though. I just want you to be happy and healthy. Stay strong sweetie! I know you can fight this negative body image. Just one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteAll my support,
<3 A Fragile Heart
I know it's easier said than done, but please get help. You've already talked about knowing you need help but it's up to you to make that first step. It sounds like your body is doing everything it can to wake you up to get help. You know all that is coming if you don't so I'm not going to preach at you :-) just know that I care and am praying for you during this dark time of your life. Love ya girl. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteWow they didn't seem to take that your weight into consideration. What kind of doctors are they??? How are feeling today though? Has the pain stopped? I hope so.
ReplyDeleteYou hadn't purged yet at the time of the post and that's good. I would totally give you some of my boobs if I could. I know this is hard for you. Hmmmm I hate how sometimes you lose weight and yet certain body parts are still fat. Mine tends to be my upper body.
I hope everything went well at the party. I got out going to a party tonight due to the fact I do not have a car. Lucky me.
Sorry, having those days are the killers. Doctors doesn't ask too many questions but at that weight it might be related to your body failing you. Please, get little better... you can beat this. You can lose a fight but you can win a war. You just need to find a way to do it, it sucks though... no one should have to find a way how to live. But you know you're not fat, you know you'd look much better after few pounds up, you know you'd be able to look after your kids. You know this all. It just a question of remembering it, distracting Ana and Mia and getting it. Words, that have different kind of power in different circumstances. Please, get better. I'd hate to see your name in the list of those who lost the fight.
ReplyDelete<3<3
Sweet sweet Katie. Life sometimes seems to be something extraneous. Something that we can't control, something we don't have power on. Maybe we just expect to completely rule it, and when we realize we can't, everything falls on our shoulders and crushes us on the floor.
ReplyDeleteAnd when this happens, we should need a bit of time for ourselves and a change of perspective. Talked to my history and philosophy teacher today for like one hour. He made me think about something I hadn't really considered, which is that sometimes we expect too much by ourselves. We forget that we are fragile, although we desperately try to look so strong and invincible. And that sometimes, to pursue our aims we don't have to think about them. Even if it seems paradoxal, sometimes it seems so true that the more we want to do something, the more difficult it gets to achieve it, cause we simply put too much effort in it, and forget about the care we should take of our selves.
I'm so sorry things are going so bad. But I guess that stressing is not helping. Thinking too much about it, about the pain, about how bad are people around you feeling, just makes you feel more miserable (when you are an absolutely delightful person) and it all turns into a vicious circle.
Maybe you're still not getting better cause you are devastating too much for this. Try to approach the situation differently. Breathe deep. Don't hate yourself for what you look like. People love you not only for the way you look like, but for what you are. The old Katie is not just a Katie with a healthy weight. Is the person you think you don't deserve to be. Don't feel guilty because your loved ones are worried and feel bad for what is happening. You can't avoid love, you can't stop it. And think about getting better for yourself. Because you can. You can take that control again. Mia and Ana don't exist. I think that giving life to a disease, as if it was something that lives in us and has a a power on our life is the worst thing you can do when you want to get better. I know that you are used to see your situation in this way. But try not to. Make a list of things you'd like to do. Not about food. Not lists like "want to gain weight-get my boobs back-etc". Things you can do with your family. Going in that certain place. Have a talk with an old friend. Find something you've procastinated, so you'll feel better once you got it. talk to people. to T. Get more relaxed and keep your mind busy in other things. And never feel bad for not getting better all of a sudden. Would you feel a shit if you caught the flu? Everyone has a time to get better. And the more little the steps you take, the less the stress and the wish of just forgetting and leaving all behind your back, the better you will overcome this.
You are a strong and amazing girl. I know it, loads of girls here know it, your husband, your kids, your loved ones know it. Resume that part of yourself who knows it as well.
Love (so much!)xxxxxxx
(sorry for the huge post. Summarizing is not one of my virtues =P )
Thats really fucked up. When you start once you can't stop, at least it's not easy. I've been very thin, that everyone was concerned about me and now I'm very fat but at none of these poits I felt happy with myself always wanting something else.
ReplyDelete