As I lay in bed this morning after waking, ANA told me that I had lost a lot of weight. "It will be a good thing," she said. It's not a good thing. Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up with the same "clean" attitude I do every morning. "I need to gain. I will eat more today and not exercise as much." I tell myself this every morning, but when it comes down to that moment of eating or not, I choose not to. I forced myself to eat 1 cup of multi grain cheerios (110cal) and 1/4 cup of almond milk (10cal.) That put me in a major freak out mode. 120 calories for breakfast!?!?! I never do that. So of course I worked out for 45 minutes, burned it all off and took myself negative. I stayed busy all day. Trying not to sit down for a long period of time. I didn't even feel like blogging. While out running errands, I stopped at McDonald's to get T and my oldest son some lunch. I didn't order anything for myself. I ate a couple fries and has a couple bites of his sandwich. Which in return made me hate myself. Then I stopped at Starbucks and ordered a Skinny Tall Mocha (110cal.) I drank about 1/3 of that. When we got home, I worked out more. I had chicken in the crock pot all day for chicken enchiladas for dinner. It smelled so amazing. Big family dinner last night. My boys, T's son, T, and his dad. Everyone ate and made themselves full on the wonderful food I made. I didn't eat. As a matter of fact, I didn't eat anything after that Starbucks I had in the early afternoon. I went and talked for an hour and a half with a dear friend of mine because she's going through a great deal of stress and I wanted to be there for her. But the conversation turned to me and my eating disorder. She cried and told me that she doesn't even know me anymore. I don't even know myself anymore, I told her. Sad isn't? My weight was 96.8lbs this morning. I told T that I wish he didn't have to go to work. It's easier for me to eat when he's around (kinda.) When he's not home, I just feel it more convenient not to stuff my fat face with food. T tells me last night that if I went on a full fledged binge that it wouldn't hurt me and probably would do me good. I KNOW that I need to gain weight. I am scared to. I can't force myself to eat. I can't stop myself from exercising when I know I've had too much food. I will work out right after I eat just so the calories don't stick. This cycle has to stop. It has to come to end if I want to be better. I'm embarrassed to go see my therapist this upcoming week. I am going to go eat now (I hope.) Do some laundry. Clean the bathroom. Go for a walk. Think about dinner plans. I probably will update later due to it being so early. This is an ugly number. It has to go away. Much love.
XOXO Katie
Aww honey, im sorry your feeling like this. I hope that you find peace with yourself and this battle ends for you soon, you dont diserve it beautiful, you are a lovely person <3
ReplyDeleteStay strong always honey <3
Breathe~
I'm so sorry that you are finding it so hard :/ at least you want to get better though and that's half the battle :) can't you try to focus all the self control it took to first starve and focus it on eating now? Like try to change your mindset - to be able to eat shows strength against your disorder?
ReplyDeleteI hope tomorrow goes better for you!
And my email address is dreaming-skinny@hotmail.com if you want to email me so I can add you on Facebook? :)
Lottie x
Katie my dear, you worry me because reading your blog I see so much of myself in you. You have so much to get well for most of all yourself.
ReplyDeleteI know myself wanting recovery and actually doing it are two different things. All I can say is take baby steps. Baby steps allowing yourself a little more to eat, a little less working out and that will all add up. Weight gain is so scary I know but the lower you go the harder it is to come back. I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching, I just want you to know that you can and will get well.
I am here anytime.
Mind you x
It is hard for me to even comment because I know that no matter what I say I will still wish to be your weight. But I know that the number never seems good enough once you hit it. I found that out once I got to my goal of 110 last year and couldn't stop. I truly admire your bravery for wanting to recover! I hope you succeed and stay strong. There are a lot of people who love you and we all support you honey :) Take care because you can do this!
ReplyDeleteAll my support,
<3 A Fragile heart
Oh sweety
ReplyDeleteyou really need to open your eyes and see how gorgeous and lovely you are. you take care of everyone close to you in such a lovely way!
i hope you had dinner and i hope T will stay in bed with you the next time you ask.
and please don't hate yourself for the fries you had they are just fries.
Stay strong hun! Its good that you are trying to recovery and hey thats better than nothing right? Start fresh tomorrow its a Monday the perfect day to do so. <33
ReplyDeleteWish you all the best! Maybe you should have some advisory? Or start eating more but healthy things - it is better than having McDonalds and won't have bad influence on your health.
ReplyDeleteYour trying to get better, and this is the start to a new and better life, the road will be hard, and upsetting, but you have to stay strong and keep going!! You're such a beautiful, intelligent woman, you CAN do this! xx
ReplyDeleteI hope that you find comfort in that so many of us hold you in our thoughts, hearts and prayers. I hope you can keep faith that things will get better, dont lose heart you have everything to keep trying for.
ReplyDeleteMuch love xx
I've been there before - I've never actually got to a low weight, but I've suffered through days of trying to get better, trying to eat, but I look at the food and just want to cry. I know how you feel and I wish you luck *HUGZ* I hope you can do this! Congrats on at least trying, <3 You'll be ok.
ReplyDelete