Rolling backwards

I screwed up today. I purged... 3 times.... Damn it. I was doing so well. I am disappointed in myself. I thought I was ready. I was bracing myself for when that number went up on the scale, but I wasn't ready for when it actually happened. I didn't go up much, and I probably way overreacted. Only 4 ounces! Four! What the hell is wrong with me? I let it all slip away over 4 ounces. ANA was telling me all day what a screw up I am. I ate a spoonful of peanut butter last night, and immediately regretted afterwards. I snacked on jelly beans throughout the day yesterday. Probably only a total of 15 but still. Yesterday was too much. And when I saw that stupid 4 ounce gain on the scale this morning, I freaked. I still ate my egg whites and kiwi, but like 15 minutes afterward I ended up purging. Then my mom and I went to the movies and I purged right when we got there. Leftover lunch... Sigh... And then about halfway into the movie I did it again because I ate candy. I knew I shouldn't have brought the damn candy. I ate half a can of Progresso soup tonight for dinner, with no bread (even though that would have been amazing.) That was 70cal. I didn't purge that. I burned that off with my crunches, sit-ups and leg lifts. I'm sitting here hating myself. For so many reasons. My intake today is -87. I see my therapist tomorrow. Not looking forward to that at all actually. She would probably want to lock me away if she knew. ANA is telling me to cut. I want to tell her to shut up, but she never listens. So enough about what a failure I am. Onto my son. Yesterday morning when he woke up, he was acting, well not himself. He was screaming his head off, crying, but couldn't move his arms, legs or head. His whole body was limp. I had to hold his head like a new born (he is 15months.) He was like this for about 10 minutes, then gained strength back in his head. I tried to hand him a cracker to help calm him down and he couldn't grab it. His fingers didn't work. This happened once afterwards as well; the fingers grasp thing. I called the on call doctor later in the afternoon who asked me a series of questions, told me that if it happened again at all yesterday to take him into the ER, otherwise take him to see his pediatrician first thing this morning. Well luckily it didn't happen again. Took him into his doctor and he didn't know what to do. He seemed very confused. Set us up with an appointment with a neurologist on Wednesday morning down in Denver. They think possibly seizures. This did happen once before at his dads a couple weeks ago, but I didn't think much of it since I didn't actually witness it. I'm terrified. I don't want my baby to go through this his whole life. But at least we have appointments set up and we will figure out what's wrong. I want to go work out, but instead I'm going to indulge in food porn. And to Emily who asked T is; he is the love of my life. The sweetest boyfriend a girl could ask for =) Much love

XOXO Katie