I purged again today. Only once. I tried to avoid the food all together. I skipped breakfast and skipped lunch, but come 1:15pm, I couldn't resist any longer. I went in the kitchen and dove into the Doritos. Why did I even buy them in the first place? I regretted it right after, and went and got rid of it all. Then I headed up to therapy. I got up there with 6 minutes to spare, so I went in the gas station near by and bought a huge coffee. It was amazing, despite the 81 degree weather we had today. I don't know if much got accomplished with today's session. I figured she was going to be mad at me when I told her about yesterday and this afternoon, but she didn't. She let me talk quite a bit and didn't chime in a whole lot. Although she told me that instead of looking at how many calories I can't consume, I should set a number for each day of the amount I can consume. She said, "If you set a goal for 700 calories a day, then you can decide how you spend that 700 calories." Oh my God, shoot me now! 700 freaking calories. That number freaks me out beyond belief. I was thinking like 200. But let's get real here. It's hard to eat like a normal person and only consume 200 calories a day. I told her that I just want to be able to eat a damn sandwich and not give a shit. I want to be able to wear shorts when it's 81 degrees out and not be consumed with fear of feeling so insecure in them. I want to wake up just one morning and not have my first thought be, "What am I going to weigh today?" Now begins my little "rant." I was thinking about one of the posts I read today about ProAna and all that. I don't believe my blog is ProAna, do you? I'm not telling girls to go starve themselves or throw up after eating. Actually, quite the opposite. DO NOT put yourself through this. DO NOT make yourself vomit after eating. DO NOT starve yourself to lose weight. But of course you won't listen to me, because I do all that and I've lost weight. Weight wise, yeah, I succeeded in my goal. But this disease consumes me. I do not enjoy having ANA, MIA, and ED in my life all day, everyday. It's tiring and exhausting. I can't ever get them to shut up. Not even while I'm sleeping. I dream about this. How messed up is that? In my dreams I can't even eat normal. Today I had a total of 105 calories in food. I worked off 543 calories with exercise. That puts my net at -438. You don't want this. Girls think they can just do it for a week just to lose those "last few pounds." Well once you're consumed with all of this, there is never "those last few pounds." Because no number will be low enough. Your body will never be good enough. I wish I could do it the healthy way. So before you think that you can just do this temporarily so you can lose a little bit of weight, think again. You don't want this. You don't want to be controlled by it. Because that's what it does. It consumes your whole life. Not just a small aspect of it. No, your whole life. Alright, that's the end of that. On a final note, I did change the name on my blog to Katie Elizabeth. It's better that way. Much love.
XOXO Katie
hi honey. Recently started following your blog.
ReplyDeleteYeah I agree when you say that nobody should go through this. This is not...sane.
Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth it. I reckon it's not.
I have always wished I was skinny since I was...well 6 or 7 I guess. Remember that the first time I cried in front of a mirror I was nearly 8.
Food and fat have always obsessed me. I got my reasons I guess.
Yeah it's not a matter of a few pounds, maybe not even to look like those pictures.
When I started losing weight (13 years old) at first it was coming pretty natural to me. Can't even remember how I started. I remember feeling extremely excited after throwing food in the rubbish and eating just one apple at dinner. This was in february. My life has always been pretty empty, pretty vain. On June food was the only thing I could think about. I lost almost 20 Kg. Ended up being between 39 and 40 Kg(88/89 lbs) but still wasn't alright. My problems just increased. I was, if possible, even more lonely. And I didn't look at all like any of those pictures. Like any of my skinny friends. I was...consumed. I started eating again cause my parents were going crazy and wanted to recover me. That's when MIA went into my life. I've often thought that my choice was to pick between being fat and miserable and being skinny and very miserable. I suppose that being skinny at least I won't freak other people out like I do now, being so fat.
I always get concerned when other people eat less/starve themselves though. My boyfriend was anorexic and I'm helping him eating well (he's actually improved a lot. he's still skinny now, but in a healthier way). I can see the irony in that.
Maybe if I dissapear slowly (very slowly, considering that I'm apparently able just to put on weight) people will get used to stay without me and won't miss me that much when I'll be faded away (not that I think they'll miss me anyway, maybe I'm just procastinating).
Love xxxx
Dear Katie Elisabeth, i love the warning your giving here, people dont hear it enough. Its not something to be taken lightly and some foolish people believe its not really a big deal.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to me like a very clever person and Im sure everything will turn out ok for you, your a great woman katie, Stay Strong <3
Breathe ~
I agree, I wouldn't consider your blog pro ana. I don't think mine is either, at least I hope not. You are just telling it the way it is. I think I do the same.
ReplyDeletePurging is just plain horrible, I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom but the cycle is so hard to break.
Hope you are well sweetie.
xxx
LOL! I'm sorry but I died of laughter when you said you want to be able to eat a sandwich and not give a damn. It just hit me funny :)
ReplyDeleteBut I know the feeling... I can't eat a raspberry without wondering if it'll affect anything. Yeah.
I don't know if I'd say "pro-ana" for your blog. Because like you said, you're NOT encouraging this or giving any real tips to new girls, you're simply here for the girls who have already fallen down the rabbit hole.
Please take care love <3
-Emma
I'm fighting the urge so instead I've put myself on a 1200 calorie a day restriction that is a pretty norm number obese ppl use with exercise to lose... I've thought about it and decided what I needed and you might to is to be able to quiet the voices before you can work on getting better so if your therspist is just for ed you may want to find one who works with mpd...once we get them under our thumb it should be easier to get better xoxo
ReplyDeleteSorry about the purging :/ but at least it was only once :) I see what your therapist was saying with the 700, but haha that would freak me out too! Like I binge and go way over that when I'm down, but I could never actually plan on eating that much :P
ReplyDeleteI'd say it is pro ana in the sense that your blog talks about the disorder and doesn't condemn people with it, but not in the sence that you encourage it, because you don't. I think all our blogs are more like support blogs really :) its only people that dont understand what we go through that read them and think differently! I wish I could have eaten chips with my friends yesterday, but I felt guilty for eating a nakd bar :/
Thanks for commenting on my blog so regularly! I feel bad for not doing the same for you, but I do try to read - its just that I've been a bit all over the place recently!
Lottie x
I don't think you are pro ana at all. You have an eating disorder and this is you telling about it. Even if you do just start at thinking you CAN eat 200 it's a start.
ReplyDeleteYour totally right, once you lose a few pounds, you then want to lose more..and more, it never ends! Well done for only purging once today :) Your body will appreciate that :) xx
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else, you have a real eating disorder that you do not encourage on other people. Having said that, there's so many definitions of pro-anorexia that it depends which definition you perceive it to be xx
ReplyDelete