Maintaining

That about sums it up. My weight is staying the same. I'm OK with that. I'm not ready to gain weight. Here is how I feel about all of this. MIA jumped in the back seat and now ANA is driving. I haven't purged since Tuesday. Last night was my first big urge to. I ate half of a bratwurst (100cal) and 3 cups of salad (30cal.) I felt huge. And I had this image of just sliding my fingers down my throat and getting rid of it all. But I didn't. Yay for self control I guess. I should feel proud of myself. Everyone else is. But it's hard. All of this has happened so fast. And I'm afraid with rushing it that I am going to relapse and start back in the purging cycle. So instead of purging, the counting, restricting and exercising have taken over. Yesterday looked like this: My food intake was 552cal. My exercise was 568cal. So my net was -16cal. At lunch I took my oldest to McDonald's to spoil him to a Happy Meal. I wanted nothing more than a McDouble but resisted it. Instead I bought myself a pack of apple slice (15cal.) I did good. I saw my therapist yesterday morning. She upset me. Here I am telling her how I haven't purged since Tuesday and that I am eating a little bit at a time. And what does she say? She tells me that I'm almost to the point where she would feel the need to report my safety to someone else because I'm "out of control." Really? WTF?!?! I was so pissed. She is my therapist and I thought I was aloud to tell her my feelings, but I honestly feel like I need to keep things from her. I can tell T more than I can tell her. It was extremely frustrating. But I still scheduled another appointment with her for next week. I haven't ate yet this morning. And it's past 10am. So I might a little bit of a bigger breakfast (never exceeding 100cal though.) That way I don't have to eat lunch. I am going to a memorial service for my dad's friend and I KNOW there will be food there. I have to resist it. I can not eat it. I hate eating anywhere else but home because I can't control what gets made or what's put into that food. I bought a new shirt the other day that I plan on wearing. I wanted to work out before leaving for the service, but now I have to get ready. Maybe I will work out tonight after my youngest goes to bed. T and I are doing better because I have put restrictions on when we talk about my ED. That way it's not a topic of conversation constantly. That makes me feel much better. Tomorrow is Mother's Day... Sigh... But we won't get into that. So off to make something to eat I guess. Much love.
XOXO Katie