Yesterday and Thursday, I thought I was managing my mood swings and depression well. Now I'm discouraged and am back to feeling like a failure. T's dad and I went gambling. I told myself I was only going to spend 25 dollars. I spent 70 and freaking lost it all. I had a 20 minute anxiety attack in the bathroom of the casino. I couldn't get myself to calm down. I was crying hysterically. People probably thought I was crazy. But between losing all my money and the 110cal Special K chips that my body refused to purge, I was in complete panic mode. I got on the scale this morning and I am down almost a whole pound from yesterday. I weighed in at 102.2. Great, right? Well I'm pretty sure that went out the window today. I am in a full on depression at the moment. I was so mad at myself for losing all that money and the snacks I had, that when I got home, I worked out for 2 hours in the 90 degree garage to punish myself for being such a failure. I don't care if I worked off the calories that I racked up today, I still feel disgusting. While I was working out, I kept telling myself how fat and jiggly my thighs were and that if I didn't work harder, nothing was going to change. Good motivation I suppose. Now it's almost 7pm, I haven't even started dinner. Mainly because T still isn't home from work, but also because I'm negative 379cal right now and I don't want to mess that up. I did manage to purge a couple times when I got home. I forced myself to eat something that would be easy. Damn it. I thought I was doing better. Nope, still a failure. I wanted to cut. That's how depressed I got. I haven't cut in SOOO long that it felt silly for the thought to even cross my mind. Oh well I suppose. Sorry for such a depressing post. Much love.
I'm sorry you had such a bad day :( but I hope things look up! Don't think of yourself as a failure, you simply had an off day. We all have those! And I'm really glad you didn't cut. Sending happy vibes your way! xoxo
ReplyDeleteHang in there love, I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now. You know my email address if you ever need to vent or talk <3
ReplyDeleteYou're not a failure... A mistake here and there is bound to happen, and look! You fixed the snacking by kicking butt working out. Don't get too down, love <3
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry about the commenting on my blog, I'll see if I can rearrange the settings again.
Please take care and don't beat yourself up too much <3
-Emma
Your not a failure at all! Your so strong, we all get like this sometimes, i'm in one of those moods now....i'm just sorry i can't be of moree help, just know your not alone in any of this xx
ReplyDeleteI did the same thing a while ago; I had quit cutting and such, then one stupid moment and bam, lost it :(
ReplyDeleteAnd you aren't a failure! Think about what you DO, I mean, none of my freinds, nor myself, could workout for 2hrs! You are amazing, and this is a hard lifestyle to live, but you'll get through, you'll get smaller, you'll be ok. xx
Stay strong, think thin <3