Meet ANA. She's a bitchWednesday, May 16, 2012
2lbs
Yeah... Damn it... I can't believe I let myself do this. I can't believe how bad I'm failing at recovery. I'm failing the love of my life, I'm failing my friends, I'm failing my boys. I don't ever want them to know the disease that consumes my life. These meds are making me so tired that I almost fell asleep on my drive back from Denver. They are not making me better. I still am obsessive compulsive over food, calories, numbers. I still have anxiety about food, calories, numbers. So much so that this morning I bought a grande skinny mocha from Starbucks (140cal), took two sips out of it, freaked out and dumped it all out. I cry, but when no one is around. It's easier that way so they don't ask questions. Oh by the way, that's not a 2lb gain, that's a 2lb loss. Yeah... I am down to 98.6lbs. I suck at this recovery shit. I'm disappointed. I'm not getting better. It was over a month ago that I decided that I needed to get better. But instead, I'm losing. One month ago today I was 106.6lbs. Exactly 8lbs in a month. Oh my God I am a sick monster. I still have fat days. I know that sounds impossible, but it happens. It happened last night. I wore my hoodie all night because I felt like a whale. Despite all the working out I did yesterday. I haven't worked out yet today. I spent all day in Denver at Children's Hospital meeting the neurologist for my youngest. She believes he has periodic paralysis, but has never seen it in a patient so young. She did blood work, did an EKG and we have his EEG at the end of this month. This has been such a stress. Maybe that's why the purging picked up again. Because I've got so much going on that I just need to get rid of all the nasty stuff I eat when I'm stressed. Or maybe it's just because I suck at this. That I'm failing at getting better. Ironic much? I hate myself. I am 98lbs and still think I am fat. I still can't wear shorts. I still pull at the different parts of my body wishing them away. Alright, that's enough bitching. Thank you all for the wonderful comments on my last blog. It's good to know that I'm supported through all of this. Much love.
Meet ANA. She's a bitch
XOXO
Meet ANA. She's a bitch
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<3
ReplyDeleteI know you are trying to recover, but I still wish i was your weight! You are not fat at all and I wish you could see that! You dot suck at recovering, you are just struggling a bit at the moment, but keep trying and I'm sure you will manage to get better :)
ReplyDeleteLottie x
Give it time, hun. It is a long dark winding road, and it takes years sometimes. Just don't give up on yourself. I would give anything to be 98 pounds again, so you're definitely not fat. There's just no way. And I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that one day you will be able to see that. Until then, I'm here to read and listen. xo
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean...I can never have anyone find out bout this as well. I couldn't image what they would say. But don't worry just get though your stressful time and worry about recovery then. Hope your little one gets better soon! <33
ReplyDeleteYou don't suck at recovering, slips and relapse are all part of recovery. Please don't despair, you will get to where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your sons illness, hope he's ok and you are too.
Lots of lovexxx
If you dont do something drastic your gonna be just like I was babe, your body is gonna stop working you'll end up in the hosp & possibly lose your life & your kids. Not trying to be mean trying to shake you to wake you up! I've been there, done that lost my son for five yrs plz I beg don't make same mistakes I did. You can't do this alone & probably will need inpatient treatment at first as I did....your to great person to let this happen...i dont want the boys growing up without their mom....love you
ReplyDeleteI wish you could see that you are nothing of the meaning fat <3 xx
ReplyDeleteYou don't suck on recovery honey you just want things to happen now. Allow yourself to take the time you need I am sure you are going to make it
ReplyDeleteRecovery is hard, even when you want it. Its so hard to drag yourself away from what you know, and silence that little voice inside... You gotta give it as much dedication as you can. And of course it takes time, that doesnt mean your bad at it. Same way as you would occasionally slip when trying to reach your goal weight,you will ocasionally slip on your way to recovery. You just gotta pick yourself up and know its what you want <3
ReplyDeleteStay strong beautiful <3 Were here for you always
Breathe~