I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I am going to lose everyone and everything in my life because ANA wants to stick around. Last night I got in an argument with a friend, which put me in a depression. I cried on the floor for 45 minutes. I looked T in the eyes and asked him to help me. He doesn't know how, I don't know how. I want to be healthy but not gain weight. Unfortunately I can't have both. I told T this morning that if we went out to breakfast that I would eat. We went to Village Inn. I ordered 2 scrambled egg whites, 2 multi grain pancakes, 1 sausage patty, and applesause. Well the applesauce was for my youngest, then I gave him 1 pancake, 1 of the eggs, and the sausage patty. I ate 1 egg white(17cal) and a multi grain pancake (50cal.) Total=67 ugly calories. We went shopping afterwards. I walked and walked. Burned of breakfast, took me negative. Came home, burned some more calories (wink wink) and then I wanted to go for a walk. It was so hot. But I wanted to get the boys out of the house. Well by now I was far into the negatives. We went for an hour walk and I burned 219 more calories. I can't stop this madness. After we got home, I ate jelly beans. Had a freak out and did 200 crunches and sit ups. T is upset with me. I'm going to lose him if I don't get better. I cooked one of those Healthy Choice meals which are 230 calories. I only ate the veggies in it (23cal.) So here I am past 9pm and I am -326 calories. Why doesn't ANA want me to be in the positive numbers? I don't understand why it would be so bad if I gained some weight. I see my therapist tomorrow. She is going to freak out on me because as of right now, I've lost 4lbs since I saw her last week. I saw my friend, R, tonight. I miss her so much. It's so nice having a friend around me that has the same problems as I do. At first I was worried that we would fall back into our old habbits and I would feel like I'm comparing myself to her all the time. Right now, we are both sick of this. I want her to get better for her boys as well. I should eat something. Why am I so afraid of eating? It's a normal part of the human race. To eat. Why can't I just go in the kitchen, cook a hot pocket and eat it? Oh because they have 300 calories in just one. My mom made me cry today. She says to me, "I just want the old Katie back. The one who would have fun going to Starbucks and getting a pedi with her mom." Sigh... I miss the old Katie too. I am going to lose my boys, I'm going to lose T, I'm going to lose my mom if I don't get better. Last night I begged God to take me out of this world. That made T mad. But in reality, if I wasn't here, then my mom, my boys, my friends, and T wouldn't have to live with the roller coaster of emotions I am going through. I don't know. I'm just so tired and over this shit. I AM GOING TO GET BETTER DAMN IT!!
XOXO Katie
They wouldnt be better off if without you, I promise you. Ana makes us think that we are the problem. Ana is the only thing making things worse. not you. Ana is a destructive disease, but you are human, and you are strong. The fact that you want to get better is proof of this. You have to try, for your boys, they need you. Theyre world would be incomplete without you, and I am sure you would be truly lost without them. So please try to keep faith and try to stay strong.. It is easy to let Ana get the better of us, make us believe that we are nothing. But dont listen to Ana, listen to that voice that says you can do this, that piece of hope that says you can find yourself again, that you can have a happy life, with the people you love.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you xx
I'm sorry to hear your having such a hard time. Its a never ending cycle and people just don't understand that you can't just snap outta it and be "normal" again. Don't let ana control your life, you don't deserve that. <33
ReplyDeleteI really do hope you get better. recovery is hard, but with the right motives, is possible. keep your head up! xx
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. You can do it. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSweetie... :/
ReplyDeleteYou will get better. I'm so proud that you kept to your word and ate breakfast. If you truly want to heal from this and move forward than you will. I believe in you <3 And I'm here for you <3
-Emma
My therapist wants me to see a nutritionist, and the nutritionist insists on me tracking my intake for a week before seeing her so she can see exactly what/when/how I eat, which is my biggest fear. If it's written down then I think it's all too much and go into major restriction mode. So Julien recommended something which might work better, rather than tracking items of food or calories, how about just tracking the number of times you eat in a day, just to start, and making sure you eat six times each day. Don't pay attention to the calories - you could have one apple (approx 80 very healthy calories) six times a day if you wanted, but it's just to get your mind used to the idea that eating regular meals is OK. To be honest I haven't tried it yet, but to me it sounds less threatening than having to meet 1200 calories a day or something, you know?
ReplyDeleteanyway, try to stay strong KAtie, for your kids. And keep fighting, ok? Here for you! xoxo
You are 5'2. I wish I was that short. I know it is weird but I find that short females are always the cutest.
ReplyDeleteI think you did good. I mean at least you are eating which is feeding the body, mind and muscle. I know the exercise did not help but at least you only did twice instead of after every single time you ate. This is going to take time. Ana is hard to fight from what I hear so for me to read that you are eating is good enough for me.
I hope the therapist wont be mad at you. I know you are trying really hard. If she does get mad I hope she can at least provide some helpful information besides " eat more and exercise less " I hear you but trying to do it is a completely different story.
I hope everything goes okay today. You just made me want eggs :-)
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and things aren't working out for you at the moment :/ I'm sure you can beat this, for T and your boys! Just keep trying and you will get there, don't worry :) just make the most of everyone trying to help you and really give it your all! I'm sure your friends support will help a lot too :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Lottie x
I think you are doing so well! Your such a strong woman, you really are, i wish you could see that, we all relapse a little sometimes, this is going to be a hard battle, but you can over come this, we are all here to support you, always <3
ReplyDeleteHey hun. Sorry if I haven't come around for quite a time. Have felt too much of a shit to talk to anybody. Sorry that you're going through this. I remember going through this shit. I can't remember how I managed to start eating again. I just know that 5 months after I was eating all the possible crap and vomiting costantly even without forcing me to do it. And now when I try to restrict my mind goes crazy. I think that you don't easily forget these things. So my advice is to take your time. Don't expect to do huge steps all of a sudden. Start going for the little ones. And try not to think about it. I know it's hard, this is why you can't expect you to do it costantly and maybe not even everyday. But try to cheat your mind. Like eating a piece of something before going out of the door for a walk. Of while you are talking at the phone. Little things, just to start. Even one more bite is a little achievement =)
ReplyDeleteHope you'll feel better soon. I and all the other people who love you support you so much! <3
You are doing an amazing job!
ReplyDeleteI am sure every follower and every friend who notices your change is damn proud of you honey <3
You started your way and now we are all cheering for you to get better.
Love